Well considering I wanted to get back into my writing I really havent been doing much. Ive been really down actually. Its funny because I have the life I always wanted. Sure there are things that I dont have that I still want but things are good.
I have a great partner (well fiance actually) who I have been with for over 4 years and I love him very much. I am finally with someone that loves me for me and is willing to put up with all the baggage from my past. I have graduated from Uni against the odds. I volunteer at 2 agencies that mean a lot to me. I have even just got a job. Sure, its not the dream but I am willing to start at the bottom and this is a stepping stone for me. It doesnt really involve counselling but it is working in a refuge for women that have suffered domestic violence so it is something that is close to my heart.
I just want to get up in the morning and want to go to work and be doing something good. This ticks these boxes so it is a good thing. Its actually doing nights but it is only ever 2 nights a week so I wont be away too much. The other half isnt massively happy but we will adjust and this isnt going to be for long.
The thing that has made me write today is that I have been watching the show ‘Girls.’ It is excellent and Lena Dunham is a massive inspiration to me. I used to write a lot when I was younger for my friends and I have always loved the idea of writing articles and getting published and such and I am considering doing it. I dont know what I will write about but I am going to find some sites looking for articles and give it a bash.. I mean I have nothing to lose right?
I am loving Girls and it is making me think a lot about my friends. Now if you asked me a few years ago I would have said that I have tons of mates but the truth is I actually dont. I have a fuck ton of acquaintances but that is about it. I have good friends sure but the truth is I have never really been myself with them. I have always put on a mask and acted the way I thought they wanted and this is sad. I am myself with my fella but even with him I sometimes feel like I am holding back. I have always been someone that puts my needs behind others and right now this is pretty hard because I am having a bit of a bad patch.
I dont even know why. I just feel so down sometimes. I mean I know all about depression and such, I mean I am a counsellor and i know the truth is I probably do have mild depression but I dont know why… I have a good life, me and the fella are not really struggling for cash, I have just got a new job and things are ace. We are looking at getting married next year (money permitting) and we really are at the start of our lives. I am excited because I know that we are going to go on and do good things but right now it just feels like I am stuck. Girls centres around 4 girls that are all very different and is a lot about the dynamics of their relationships and the way they are and I cant help but to look at myself. I mean who do I want to be? What do I want to achieve?
I wanted to become a counsellor in part to heal myself and in part because I thought that if I do something that helps others I can make up for my past and the bad I feel I did but I dont know if it is ever going to be enough. I actually considered med school (for about 5 mins) and it was my counseller that asked me if I did, would that even be enough? I could be the leader of the free world, a global guitar playing sucess (yeah I harbour rock star dreams) but still when I sit down at night, if I dont feel good, then it is never going to be enough.
So this is what keeps me in therapy. I want to feel ok. I do to an extent but then some weeks I just feel like shit. I feel worse than everyone else, I feel like nothing I do is enough, I feel that I dont fit in, I feel different… Its exhausting!
Anyway, this is bringing me down so I am going to watch some more Girls :)
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