I’m still here. Still simply putting one foot in front of the other. Doing my daily routine because it’s that - simply a routine, a habit. It’s what I do.
I only spent 3 full days in bed last week or the week before. Whenever that pure melt down began. Compared to how I’m feeling… That’s a miracle. I’d still like to just be in bed all day, sobbing. That isn’t a choice though. Eventually someone would notice I wasn’t working. So now I work. Then I return to bed. Return to wondering why exactly I have to keep living this life. Why I can’t just get a damn break. Find someone who truly loves me and wants me to be there forever. If only.
It’s been nearly two weeks since that meltdown began. Episode. Breaking point. Whatever you want to call it. I’m still nowhere near fixed. I’m still so lonely. So depressed. Struggling so badly to do life every day. I just want to stay home, lay in bed, cry & then be numb until it’s finally different.
I’ve been doing so much therapy. Up to 3 times a week. I’m therapy I kind of understand. Understand this numbness is my body’s way to protect me. Understand Nick’s words & behaviors opened up a giant childhood wound. It brought back the feelings of abandonment and rejection strongly. The feeling that there is something wrong with me. The pain, hurt and anger. Now I don’t know when that wound will close again. I don’t know how hard it’ll be to work through this time. Currently - pretty hard to be honest.
I don’t know what I’ll do with next weekend off. It’s going to be pretty brutal. So much time to think. Not cool.
My biggest issue is the loneliness. I hate not having someone to take care of or hang out with. I miss having a house full of kids and revolving my life around them. I want the routine of a bustling family life. Not this living alone thing with the dogs & bird to talk to. It kills me.
I’m really planning that the baby will fix a lot of this when she arrives. She’ll give me a purpose. Someone to care for and love and hang out with. I’ll have things to do when I’m not working. Is this the healthiest way to handle this? Nah. Will I be even more broken when she leaves? Heck yes. It’ll be worth it though. That sweet little girl will get the best chance possible at a good start to life. I’ll make damn sure of that.
B is 36 weeks today. She called tonight for a few minutes & said she’s having a lot of pressure and Braxton hicks or regular contractions. So, she thinks it’ll be sooner than 4 weeks from now. She has another doctor’s appointment sometime this week so maybe we’ll learn more. She sounded like she was doing okay. Focused on getting her per capita check so she could find a way to cash it from prison as her mom needs her money. Seriously. Why does her mom need her money? For alcohol I’m sure. She has none of B’s kids, etc. No reason to have B give her money except the generational and historical trauma is real. Hearing this reminds me of why I’m taking this baby. Because SHE deserves more than this. She deserves the chance to maybe break this cycle and if nothing else have less exposure to the trauma. I can only pray the beginning with me is enough to help her overcome the barriers of her future.
I anticipate baby will be here around 2/16. That’s my guess but I realized I better get a bag ready and be prepped to go to the hospital if she comes earlier as it literally could be any day. This means I can’t just depressingly lay in bed and not do laundry as I’ll need clothes to wear and a clean house to bring the baby home to. So, I guess Miss E is getting me slightly out of my feelings. A little. Already.
I’m fully prepared for E. Mostly. Diapers. Clothes. Wipes. Car seat. I just need to pack the diaper bag when it arrives & grab a can of formula to have until she gets on WIC.
I can’t believe in 4 weeks or less I’ll be snuggling a baby right now. I’ll have someone to love and hold and rock in the middle of the night when the darkness creeps in. Someone to put all my effort and energy into. A tiny soul mold into a little human while she’s with me. I’m so ready. She’s helping me as much as I’m helping her.
I kind of think that after B gets E back. I might think about going back into Foster Care fully. I thought I wanted freedom and to be kid free. Now though - I don’t think so. I thought after losing my daughter I was okay with never having more kids and just being an empty nester. I shut down that world and tried to move on. I’m not tho. I’m meant for kids & all that comes with them. I’m meant to give someone my love. And maybe it’s not meant for a man. Maybe this whole time my purpose has been simply to love the other children that feel like my inner child. That feels lost and alone. The children that just want someone to love them. To give someone else the love I always dreams of. I’ve always felt a calling towards kids. But Baby E has reminded me how much I love loving an innocent child that desperately needs it.
My birthday was last week. It was uneventful. I worked out of town for a few days. So, just the Facebook wishes, some flowers and coffee from Nick (yeah a whole nother story), that was it. I’m 42 years old and I still spent the whole day wondering if my mother would text me or call or acknowledge me. 42 years and I still crave my mom’s love that I’ve never had & know I won’t get. Finally, at 9:30 pm she sends a simple happy birthday and basically I’m sure your day sucked as you probably worked. That’s it. Not have a great day. Not a I’ve been thinking about you all day. Nah, just a generic shitty message when she knew you’d already be in bed. Bizarre. How do you treat your child like that? Like an afterthought? I can’t even imagine. Hell, I call kids that aren’t biologically mine to wish them the best birthday and remind them they are special and matter. And she can’t do that much for her own biological kid? Yeah. This would be why rejection kills me so much.
Now… I get to go to sleep another night alone. Wishing someone cared enough to tell me good night. Or maybe check in on me. I’m sad.
I can’t wait for Miss E to love and focus on for awhile. Maybe we should start a countdown… 28 days or less and we’ll be snuggling away.
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