Feelings of an almost human nature. in Abyss

You've been away for a long time, away but not even that far. You would say you were always reachable. 

Reachable is a strange term because you were, and you absolutely were not all the same time. 

Things at home changed,  we have a new live to look after and cherish. My puppy, finally after all that waiting I got him. Happy birthday to me!

And so you came back. Not for me though, after months of knowing that I wanted you to make the changes needed so you could be here with me, you came back for a dog. 

How am I suffocating with you here, wishing you would go again? I coped better when you weren't here, I was alone then but I KNEW it. Sure I could call you if I needed something but I didn't. Call or need. I coped. 

I still don't need anything but because you're here, I feel like I can talk to you, rely on you a little. You said you would be at home to help me but as far as I'm concerned you're further away now than ever. You do the bare minimum, you do the easy shit and then act as if I'm asking too much. I'm not asking for anything more than you professed you were going to do. I'm working so hard on training, and playtimes and the potty stuff. I'm making sure that feed times are on a schedule. You're spending the days on the sofa next to a sleeping puppy, then acting like I'm unreasonable when he wakes up and I tell you that he needs to go out. There's always an excuse, you aren't dressed to go outside, you don't have your boots on, you haven't had your meds yet, you need a fucking shit. Something, there's always something. 

I am so sick of repeating everything I say to you. Sick of you responding and acting like you're present only to disregard everything we've talked about. Then you act like you're surprised when I'm frustrated because of it. Without you here I had a schedule, I got everything done because I had to, now you're here saying you'll do your share, and then you simple....don't. 

The puppy isn't exhausting, but you are. 

I feel like I'm talking to myself all the time, and you're making me feel like I'm somehow expecting too much even though I know that I'm not. Is this gaslighting? IS this an abusive marriage? Has it always been, have I been really fucking naive for over two decades? 
 
I talk to my friends on the phone, those people who were my only company in your prolonged absence and you grill me, or act like I'm the one who's creating distance between us. Those friends have stuff going on in their lives and I'm just trying to be there for them the way they've been for me. 

And now I'm writing about it, on the internet to no one, not even knowing if this site will let me post my ramblings and rambling anyway in confusion, anger, frustration. Pointlessness. 

That's sad.

I'm sad.

Something needs to change.