8:51 am
1/8/26
I saw Joker today by the water cooler. I told her that I was happy for her… I won’t lie, it kinda hurt seeing her post a photo of herself with a guy her age in some photo booth. You know, the kind that prints off those tiny photo strips.
Not that it would have worked. It was just sex. But still, a part of me wanted more. But I also knew that it wouldn’t be more.
It’s a hollow pain I can’t explain. I just feel like shit. I’m not sad, sad, but I’m also not happy. I’m happy that she’s happy, but I’m not happy. That makes sense.
How would you or I feel if you’re 18 year old daughter came up and said hey, I’m with a 45 year old? Someone would die.
I need to hit the gym. I’m just depressed. I ate three packets of ramen and bacon just now.
I’m lonely. It’s a weird lonely. Like. I don’t know how to explain it!! I just get mad! And every damn fucking day is the same. I’m numb!! I’m just here! I just DO. Then I come home and I might forget it all, but it always comes back. I’ll run into an old crush. I’ll see someone I liked with someone else and they’re happy.
I joined a singles group and it’s full of sad old men. Like me.
I saw one post that he wants to be loved, but he was ugly.
Another asked why is it so hard. Love is hard to get. Sex is not. Getting into a situational ship is easy. Or maybe I should risk the dad’s trying to kill me. No thanks. I have cats to live for. But what if? What if by some weird chance that was my chance? I mean, it wouldn’t have lasted since I fucked her and her friend at the same time. But let us pretend that I didn’t. Would it have worked?
I always see people my age complaining about guys dating younger. There isn’t drama. I mean I bet I ruined something or, maybe not. Why do younger girls like older guys? I was a lot less fat and now I’m even more fat.
Fuck. I’m going to be stuck on this thought for a while.
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