On my second week of living with a partner for the first time. I’ve been in many long term relationships but never committed fully to the living together part of it.
I mean, I’ve visited long distance partners for months at a time but I always knew the time together was limited and that I had my belongings and home some place else.
Now, everything I own is in this house with everything he owns. Crazy to think I’m doing this with someone I’ve only been dating for 3 months, but, I have known him for a few years now too at least.
I don’t regret my decision and don’t expect that I will. Living and being together feels very easy and natural. In past relationships it always felt like I was putting on a mask or playing a part, never really myself but instead someone they could potentially like more.
With him it feels like I can exist as me and life will still continue.
Though, I still have an insecure and overactive brain so recently I’ve been thinking too much about things that don’t matter like his exes or past experiences. I know in my mind that I don’t truly care about these things and everyone has a past, that’s life, but I unfortunately can’t stop the feelings of retroactive jealousy.
I worry that I’ll continue to think about these things… continue to occasionally snoop in drawers and find things that sting.
It’s not a lack of trust, more of a morbid curiosity. Wanting to understand him more by also understanding what types of things he keeps around for sentimental value.
Or maybe he just forgot they exist.
Add it to my list of recent guilts:
1. Feeling guilty my ex asked me to move back to America to live with him and I told him I wouldn’t just to do it for another man 3 months later.
2. Looking through items and clutter to find things that might hurt my feelers.
Rationalizing it by saying it could be worse doesn’t mean it isn’t questionable or wrong.
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