Today is my birthday. I turn 29.
Today is my birthday. I am 29.
Today is my birthday.
Today.
Today has been hell. Emotionally I am drained. I keep hoping for every birthday to be different. Last year, I cooked, and poured myself in my cooking. Made this stunning porkbelly and coleslaw (I may have lots of issues but I know my cooking is worth it.) Invited two friends over. They spent over 15 minutes making passive remarks and judgements in regards to things, such as me wanting to get up and making a cocktail. Clearly judgmental behavior, that then delved into quasi racist comments, vying for “just friendly jabbing.” They were kicked off my apartment.
We then promised to do better. This year was going to be different. So I had to work. I worked. I worked late yesterday, from 8 am to 19:00 EST; Making sure that I got everything done so I could have a half day today. Then I get ready, get excited, get ready to leave. My CEO messages me to “Keep an eye on things.” So I go back to it. Doesn’t matter that I worked late. Doesn’t matter its my birthday .Doesnt matter I had already messaged everytone saying i was out.
An hour later he says “Oh sorry didnt need to do that.” But who cares? Its already gone. Theres already a wrench in my plans. To me, that ruins my day.
15:30 we recoup and go eat korean fried chicken.
Everything is okay.
Then on the way home, the loneliness hits again. Ive moved from my core group of friends around 4 years ago; I moved states. I have been alone. Lonely for those 4 years. My girlfriend tries hard, and it matters to her and she does her best. I love her for trying. But she cant fill the hole of emptiness of no friends around. It’s a me problem - It appears to a certain degree i still need that level of understanding “I matter”. Not having anyone to celebrate, hurts. I do not do well with solitude, I turn into some gollum-like creature.
It is now 18:00, and There is a new year rave im going to that starts at 9pm, or 21:00. I dont want to go. IM too empty.
No one prepared me for the loneliness of adulthood. The lack of friends. The lack of mattering. Every year I get more alone. People forget my birthday. I have already wished for never being born around 8 times. As a child, I understood being unable to have parties and celebrate - people had their own parties to go to. But now? Shit, friends of 10 years haven’t called, or even sent a fucking text.
My family? Maybe a 5 minute facetime. And even then, last year for my celebration I was told how I was getting fat (lets be real, I am that I agree with.) and I didnt need another slice of cake. So how can I make the best of a ruined day already? Its already 18:03. Tick, tick, tick tick. The clock swindles, spins and furls, next thing you know the day is over. Birthday past. I try to treat it like another day. Like another fucking mundane day to exist by. But when I allow myself a modicum of hope- A desire, a want, it is crushed. Let down.
Ramblings, ramblings, scattered broken mind yields no positive results. I thought maybe by writing it would be like a form of catharsis where it would help me heal this wound that clearly is far too deep for me to realize, that’s why I’ve been in a mental spiral for the entirety of today, and it deteriorates hard. I need medication again to treat my BPD but by gods its cheaper to die in the United States.
Maybe one day things will be different. Today is not that day.
Maybe tomorrow. Maybe I should accept that hope is the child inside of me yearning for the golden days I always believed i’d have, and simply go to sleep.
Awake an adult, devoid of hopes, devoid of dreams- And face the reality that sometimes, you work, your life is shit, and then you die.
Every day I wake up, and I die a little bit inside. How much more, am I going to pay for living?
When does “Living” actually begin?
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