Dear God,
I don’t remember what time I went to sleep—it’s a bit of a blur. I remember yesterday, though. I was enjoying my day, then decided to get ready for the studio. I spent $1 on cigars, $3 on 5 grams of weed(Ten hooked me up), $55 on drinks at a restaurant, $11 on gas, and $50 on studio time. That’s over $100 for just a few hours of living. Still, I believe it was worth every penny. I had a good time.
I went to a very fancy restaurant—the kind where all the women have plastic surgery and designer clothes, and all the men wear tight pants with loafers. My drinks were about $20 each. I had two and left a $10 tip. Everyone stared at me in the restroom. I threw up privately in the bathroom stall-just a little—not because I was drunk, but to avoid getting drunk. When I walked out, you could hear a pin drop.
The second time I went to the restroom(before leaving), I wanted to wash my face before heading to the studio. My skin looks great right now, so I don’t feel the need to wear makeup lately. An African woman asked me if I was okay because I was washing my face.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Yes, I’m fine. I just want a clean face,” I said. “I guess it’s odd to wash your face here, huh?”
I wanted to be rude and say, If something were wrong, what exactly were you planning to do to help me? It didn’t feel like kindness—it felt like judgment. No one was waiting behind me for the sink, so I didn’t understand her concern. Maybe I’m overthinking it.
My waitress was a white girl who was very snooty toward a Mexican man. I asked for hot water, and she ordered him to get it for her. He looked back at me, and I gestured with shrugged shoulders and my palms up. He smiled and came back with a pitcher of hot water. He was so kind to me.
After that, I went to the studio. My producer and I worked on my mixtape. I can’t believe I have almost 30 completed songs. I still need to go back and finish a few things so I can begin packaging the mixtape for resale. I want to give it to labels and pursue a record deal. I don’t think I want to be independent—I want a full-blown machine supporting my career. I pray this happens for me, if it’s Your will.
Now I’m in bed. I’m not naked—just wearing baggy clothes—and I just finished a McGriddle meal. I know I said I wouldn’t use Shervy’s card, but I did for breakfast. After spending my own money yesterday, I realized I can’t shrink my lifestyle for him. If Shervy wants me as his woman, he has to be able to afford me. If he can’t keep up, that’s his issue. Still, I plan to pay him back every dime one day.
One of my favorite shows, Entourage, is about to come on. Today my goals are to pay for my DC trip, take care of my inspection tag, and do laundry. I want to save money by washing clothes at my parents’ house and drying them at the laundromat. That seems like the most frugal option.
By the way, I smoked yesterday, and honestly, I didn’t enjoy it. Maybe it didn’t taste good, but it wasn’t for me. I don’t mind, though. I want my lips to look more pink anyway. Today I’m also going to focus on beauty—washing and drying my hair. I guess I have a full day: hair, laundry, inspection, paying for the DC trip. I also need to cash a $200 check, which I could use for laundry if I decide not to go to my parents’ house. I have options. I even want to work out. The world really is my oyster today.
I love being off work for Christmas break. I feel calm and at ease. I also like that I’m not smoking every day—it feels different. I want more for myself. I don’t want anything that makes me feel enslaved.
I’m going to try to take a nap. I barely slept last night. I swear I’m my own biggest fan—I kept checking my email to see if Dino sent the link to all my music. Even after working for two hours in the studio with Dino, I still forgot to include three songs for the mixtape. I have so many songs. It’s obvious that music is my calling. I will never quit songwriting, recording, creating visuals, performing, and eventually touring the world.
The only problem is: no one knows me yet.
I recently went live on TikTok and literally had one viewer. One. On Snapchat, I might get about 100 views. On Instagram, maybe 40 people see my post, and only five interact. I know this will change once I start paying for advertising. I know You’re keeping me buried until it’s time to bloom. I trust that this is protection, and I’m learning patience with Your timing.
I’m not sad or upset. I’m confident because I know I’m talented. Yes, there are billions of talented people, but my vision and desire are top-tier. I see myself being able to afford anything—yet never wasting money on Hermès bags or Chanel trousers. If they gift them to me, I’ll accept. If Hermès asks me to be an ambassador, I won’t say no. But I won’t spend that kind of money when it can help the less fortunate. I will always give to causes like St. Jude or World Vision.
Juarez just texted me—his little attitude came through my phone. “Like I said, I’ll deliver it tonight,” he said. It’s okay. One day I’ll have him sign an NDA and move on when I find the right videographer. The footage he sent was disappointing—you could tell he put little effort into it. That’s his issue, not mine. People should treat everyone like they matter. He sometimes acts like he’s doing me favors, and that’s fine. He’s just revealing his character, and I’m taking note.
Father, thank You for Your blessings. I’m blessed to have a dad who answers the phone when I call. I’m blessed to have this bed and this TV. I’m blessed to have a man like Shervy who lets me use his card sometimes. I’m blessed to enjoy a McGriddle meal and coffee. I’m blessed with a working car, clear skin, great teeth, a nice shape, beautiful hair, and a sharp mind. I’m blessed with the ability to sing, write, act, and direct. I’m blessed with a personality that’s never dull. I’m blessed with my mom and nephew.
I’m so blessed—thank You.
I’m about to take my vitamins now as an act of gratitude for this body, this temple.
I pray for a blessed day. I pray that the maintenance workers didn’t steal my money, purse, or belt—and that they reappear. I pray that I learn my lessons without harm. I pray for grace in my manners—don’t let anyone pull me out of character. Let me remain humble and calm.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
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