of something we already know, or something new coming into the awareness?
It’s both, of course… depending on which level of consciousness one focuses on.
Last night I dreamt about balance and integration. Balancing, integrating, the center, the center, the center.
The light and the dark.
So many encourage us to run screaming from the dark. And, I can understand why from a divisive and controlling perspective.
“You only have to feel it once.” This one sentence, or even sentence fragment, stuck in my mind. Especially after talking to coaches that day and the day before. “I can see there is a lot going on behind your eyes” “You’re soooo contained.” and “there’s a lot more under there.”
I close my eyes to hide my impatience-and also somewhat my amusement. These remarks have followed me as closing remarks to coaching for at least the last 3 months.
I wonder if it has occurred to anyone that some personality types simply give an impression that is naturally enigmatic? Secretive? Deep? Like calm water belying the fact that strong currents can carry one into the deep.
At the close of the last session, I experienced something somewhat different. I perceived this strange overlay of conflicting experiences. One saying to the other that it could not exist because it exists! Light saying to the dark that it cannot exist because darkness exists.
I imagine now, as I have for some time but failed to expound upon, Goethean color theory in my mind. The periphery of light and dark creates the phenomena of color. The periphery of light and dark is different for every human being and so, the colors which appear both inside and outside their respective unique individual forms are entirely unique. What’s more-
Human beings are entirely unique in that we are created like any other creature but that we may strive for and reach the Freedom of self-creation. There is a balance to be struck here, as always.
I am impressed upon also by the transformation of John the Baptist through Raphael’s maturity. He appears initially as enraptured in glory-but not out of freedom. John experiences no choice in his utter devotion and worship upon beholding the Christ. And as Raphael matures, John appears as someone far more grounded, rugged in his appearance and so confident that he points to the Christ without looking at Him; instead he looks out at us. I feel no uncertain recognition of this latter position. A confident gesture, without having to look at it myself.
The “you only have to feel it once” statement reverberates. I do not need to steep in Shame, Sadness, Grief, Guilt, etc. Why go back to re-experience it again and again? Why feel it more than it needs to be felt? Is not a willingness and an openness to feel these things enough to in reality, dispel them?
Ah. And there is where the conflicting realities start to emerge, seeming to overlap even. The coaches believe that I am repressing emotions because they can’t see them. Even incidentally, that’s not true. The coaches keep pointing out the occasions that they do see the emotions surface. They insist that to be fully feminine and vulnerable, I need to express them in the way that I might privately; tearing up the walls and thrashing myself violently while I wail in horror and pain. Except, as I sit in the quiet stillness of myself and witness what the coaches say, even in the moment, I feel as if torn asunder by these 2 conflicting realities.
And I think, that is actually my personality. LOL
Weird as it is-I actually think that this conflict is precisely described in the Square of my Sun to my Ascendant, as well my poor Libra Moon. She splits herself in two in every situation. It’s as if I walk in two completely different but parallel worlds. I am like a bridge between two parallel realities. As the bridge, neither the left, nor the right can be favored. If either side is favored, the bridge fails its entire purpose and function.
I am also confronted by this old old urge to fake it- to cry performatively. To act in anguish even if I don’t feel any pain. And along with it comes that old old despicable resentment of that idea. The loss of all integrity and self respect necessarily being sacrificed in service of such an urge. And I feel confidence, again, that I indeed, need only feel it once.
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