Struggling today. Maybe it’s the quiet of the morning, which is different fro work days. Too much time to thing and feel....or maybe that’s what’s needed? Crying randomly because I feel lost, like a burden, and like things aren’t getting better. Just don’t make it worse-but yet I seem to do so.
Is this thyroid problems getting worse (Am I no longer “subclinical”?) or perimenopause…or depression…or something else or all the above? Day 29 with no period. I can’t decide if I’m disappointed or relieved about the negative pregnancy test. 119.1 which is high....and SI thoughts are sneaking back in. After two cancelled PCP appointments, I hope I finally can get tested and understand what is going on.
About the new medication, Caplyta, I can expect to feel fatigued with malaise and nausea at the last for 1-3 weeks. Do I really want to do that to myself? The tarot showed three of swords and the magician. How do I even read that? Then my watch was stuck on 911 for my step count and wouldn’t budge for at least 10 minutes no matter what. To me, that’s a flashing red stop sign to NOT pick it up today. But Vraylar took away all sensation and that’s hurtful to a BDSM relationship. He’s understanding and says to do what’s best for me…but what if what’s best for me is what’s best for us? Is that my codependent thinking or just me trying to be a good partner? I like the med-I do…but thought it was delaying my period…but then again....maybe it was the best option and I should have just stayed on it rather than put my health at risk again trying this new med. I don’t know. Universe, if this is an absolute no per your recommendation, please give me one more clear additional sign and I’ll know.
Where is Mandy? Sara? Emily? And all the others? I miss them. This birthday changed everything. Cannot say that enough.
At least…
I’m in a loving and supportive relationship. It feels partial at times, but I think that’s my fault. As much as I think he deserves better…a younger girl perhaps…he’s still here.
My taxes are done.
Hershey is healthy.
My car is running.
I can see my family today.
I worked out, got in the shower, and got ready despite feeling this way.
I still have a job-as stressful as it is-it’s stable I think.
I have the ability to cry again.
I guess I’m still here too…have to remember why…but I am.
Praying for some hope, some answers, some relief, some direction that is effective. Praying I don’t screw more things up. Just want to feel better.
love
Loading comments...