Dear God,
Yesterday was a beautiful day because I was doing what I love—music. I worked with the same producers Beyoncé has worked with. There were two of them—partners. One creates the beats, and the other runs the engineering board. They’re also great singers, so they were able to show me, through example, exactly what they wanted to do with my voice.
I was with my friend Scott, who’s in love with me. Many of my friends are men who secretly or openly love me. I have girlfriends too, but I enjoy spending time with men because they open doors, carry heavy things, and can protect me if I’m out at night—hopefully.
Right now, I’m lying in bed feeling blessed. My nephew came to help me with my apartment, and my dad did too. Somewhere in here, there’s a mouse. Feces everywhere—but no mouse to be found. We moved things around, searched everywhere, and only found the rat poison already eaten and lots of droppings.
As I swept it all up, I kept saying to You over and over, Lord, please don’t let me live like this any longer. But the truth is, I don’t feel like moving. The apartment definitely needs a deep clean, but I’m only paying $860 in rent plus utilities. Last year, my rent was $825, and with utilities it came close to $1,000. So I guess I’ll be paying around $1,050 a month now, which is still pretty good.
I’ve decided to stay. It is what it is. You wouldn’t have allowed me to sign this lease or get my tub resurfaced if I wasn’t meant to stay another year. I know You would never let a mouse harm me. I believe I’m meant to be here another year so I can save money. And next year, I will move into a beautiful place—two bedrooms, no matter what. I pray that this comes true.
Right now, I’m watching SNL. Earlier I had another show on—just trying to relax before Scott arrives. When he gets here, I’ll start unpacking. I also need to go over my song for the studio tomorrow and do everything I can to get my apartment back in order. I’m really upset about the mouse, though. I pray that You will provide me with a clean, safe, and peaceful place to live—very soon.
In the meantime, I’m going to keep working on my music and acting. I’ll go to dance class, exercise, eat well, take my vitamins, pray, go to church, write songs, and upload new content as often as possible. I will not stop.
I think today might be my fourth day without weed. I’m not counting anymore this time. I’m never going back. Even when I think I need a break or an escape, it always traps me. I’ve never—not once—smoked for just a few days and stopped. When I start, it turns into three or four months every time. I’m quitting now—before fame.
The truth is, weed was how I connected with people. But there are other ways to spend time together, like sharing a meal. And as much as I’d love a glass of wine, I’m going to abstain from that too. When I feel like I need to escape or feel “high,” I’ll have to find another way. I need to learn how to be okay in this state of mind and mood—for the rest of my life.
By the time my headshots are taken, I’ll be looking beautiful. My lips will be smooth, my hair shiny, my skin glowing, and my body strong and healthy. It won’t take long—I always bounce back quickly. Maybe it’s because I always ask You to give me beauty for ashes.
Well, Scott just arrived, so I’ll end this here.
I love You.
Amen.
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