It leaves me stunned how some people just stick with me. Some losses or endings hurt more than others. Once in awhile you meet a person you simply can’t forget.
That’s Joe. Completely and utterly Joe. I’ve thought of him every day since I met him in February. It started like such a whirlwind romance. The craziness. The fast pace. How he always held my hand or reassured me in public. The way he always made me feel important.
Until the day he didn’t make me feel important anymore.
Why was he so special? I’ve realized over the last few months post-Joe. I wasn’t in love with him. No, I was in love with the idea of him. In love with the future I’d created in my brain. Not the real him, but the fantasy of what he could be to me.
Joe taught me so much in those 6 months. I learned I deserved better than I’d ever given myself credit for and good men do exist. I learned I’d be okay with moving away for the right person with the right intentions. I learned I was more amazing than I ever realized. I learned it felt incredible to be treated right. Really, I learned a lot.
I also learned the hard lessons. I learned I should be more than an option or fallback plan. I learned the person I’m with should wholeheartedly want me to be theirs. I learned sometimes the person that seems perfect simply isn’t perfect for you, regardless of the chemistry and butterflies. I learned for the right person I’ll never be too much.
I simply wasn’t what he wanted in life. Somedays I’m still coming to terms with that. Maybe Joe can simply be great with anyone. Maybe it’s all a facade. He didn’t want me though and only me and that’s all there is to it. So, I moved on.
His last text still haunts me… You’re amazing. Blah blah blah. However, I’m just not ready and I still want to pursue other options… Happy 6 months of a situationship and wasted time. That was it. That was the end. It clicked in my head no matter how he great he treated me when we were together I deserved to be more than an option. I read that text. I reread that text. Then I deleted it. Deleted him.
He didn’t deserve a response. He didn’t deserve my words. I’m not an option. I’m not one of a selection to choose from. No thanks. In that case I just don’t want to participate. I’m good. I’d already begun dating others having given up on him wanting exclusive and being over being faithful to a situationship. Yet, there was still that small part of me that had hoped he’d choose me.
Yesterday… yesterday a girl tagged him in Facebook as “in a relationship”. Of course I had to look. Why are we even still Facebook friends? Because Joe wasn’t a bad guy, quite the opposite. He just wasn’t happily ever after material for me I guess. The girl… why her? Why? Why is he suddenly in a relationship with her? I was filled with so many questions. So many thoughts. I haven’t uttered a word to Joe since that last text 4+ months ago. Yet, I’m assuming she was one of the other options he was pursuing. Conveniently he hadn’t wanted goats then got them in June or July. Yeah, I’m assuming he’d met her around then. So while he was still trying to pretend I was maybe a forever “option”.
I skimmed her profile like a stalker. I looked at her pictures. I’m prettier than her. Without a doubt. I don’t want to be that girl but I guess I am. I was trying to find fault. Understand why. Yet, she’s a decade younger than me. Maybe he wanted someone way younger than him. But really… She’s “country”. She raises goats. Makes goat soaps. I was never country enough and I knew that was an issue. Yet, I was willing to learn. I was always willing to help. I jumped into ranch life those first few months like I’d always been there. Doing whatever. Checking cows at 5 am. Feeding chickens. Checking fence. Making meals for those that worked outside all day while I worked inside. It didn’t matter though.
It didn’t matter at all. At the end of the day, I was still just a girl that simply wasn’t country enough. This girl - she’s perfectly country. She’s perfectly what he wanted to find. In my heart, I know this. I just wasn’t it. And I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t think I’m enough for them.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting. It does. A little. It probably always stings when you realize you just aren’t enough for someone. I just keep reminding myself it wasn’t Joe I wanted forever with, no it was the fantasy of forever I created.
In the end, I’m thankful I met him when I did. I’m thankful he got me out of the rut I was in and taught me to value me and what it felt like to be treated amazing by someone. I’m glad he made me realize I had to quit settling. I’m sad in a way it isn’t me, I really wanted that fantasy ranch life. Yet, I’m also thankful it wasn’t. I’m thankful he didn’t “settle on me” as I’d of just never been enough and I don’t want to spend my life not feeling like enough ever again.
Without Joe, I’d of never met Nick. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. We’d just had another situationship talk right before I met Nick. I’d just finally accepted the newest saying - “Don’t let your situationship keep you from meeting your husband.” I had just decided, thanks to Joe, I needed to be open to dating someone that truly wanted me for me and also wanted what I wanted which was exclusivity and forever. I had to be open to ending things with Joe and accepting it for what it was.
Without Joe, I wouldn’t have realized what I was looking for. At least not when I did I guess. Who knows when I’d of realized I deserved more. I wouldn’t have realized how happy I was with a simple, “boring” life. He really opened my eyes.
I do feel everything with him led me to Nick. Led me to being ready for Nick and all he has to offer. Made me want more in my life and to finally have the confidence to get it.
It all worked out the way it should.
Yeah. It hurts a little still. Seeing that post. Not being chosen. Not “winning”. Yet, this time I’m thanking God for unanswered prayers because they led me straight to where I’m supposed to be. They led me to an amazing man who actually likes me for me and who I am enough for.
For once in my life I’m truly excited to see where my life goes and truly hope this may be forever based on who he is and not just based on a fairy tale I’ve created in my head. It’s going to be great. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared though… But I’m working on that. Trying. Doing things different. So far, so good. One day at a time. And I guess if he doesn’t pick me… it just means my person is still out there somewhere. He’s picking me today though and that’s what matters.
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