of excitement.
It’s taken me a while. Maybe I’m dense.
I saw several memories as visions as well as imagined futures, and ones that could have been.
I recognized the feeling quality which governed each one.
There was pure excitement.
And, there was pure shame.
As I look back , I feel altogether foolish that I had not either identified these feelings nor their significance. These 2 feelings interact and dance together like skilled improv actors, each moving to its own music but somehow always crossing one another’s path at just the right moment.
I am struck like lightning with this insight.
All my life. Every choice I ever had was to believe one of these stories. Every single possible reality hinged on my choice of which way to go at every fork in the road. I was wandering helter skelter, or so I thought. The randomness seemed to me to be the character of the world. When in fact, it is only the character of one of these choices.
I had faced each choice in trepidation and fear; and so my choice had already been made. I was all too aware of the terrifying, the monstrous, the bad, ugly and hurtful. I was all too willing to believe it when my mother blamed me. Even for her own damnation. I believed her, and I chose shame.
And now I know. That needn’t be the case. Even then, it needn’t be the case. Even now, I choose excitement and feel it rise in my body like an indomitable spirit; there will be a path towards recapitulation of all this shame. It will be through my excitement.
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