As I feared I slept awful last night. Even worse than the night before. Now I’m basically running on a night of no sleep and a night of very little sleep. I feel like I’m on drugs and just vibrating and so damn tired yet so awake. Like when you get so tired you just can’t relax and sleep. Eventually I’m going to crash. Hardcore. I hope anyways.
I knew learning of Jody’s death in the evening was going to kill my sleep. I just couldn’t shut off my mind. Even aimlessly watching tv at 1 a.m. wasn’t a distraction. I’m just so sad for her, her husband, her son. So sad she’ll never see her son graduate, go to college, get married. That she literally went to work expecting a normal day and died in a freak accident. I’m sad her son won’t have a mom to do all the mom things and how badly he must be hurting inside while not showing it. I’m sad her husband has to navigate this world as a widow. None of it is fair. Bad stuff shouldn’t happen to good people.
I know another issue with my sleep is I’ve been weaning down the Klonopin. I went down another half a pill at the beginning of this month. To begin I couldn’t sleep. Then it got better. Now the insomnia has returned. I’ve made it down three doses now. I survived the last two. I’ll survive this one. Though, sometimes I just want to give up and take the full doses. I was just so sick of the overall numbing and fatigue and benzo hangover in the morning from such a high dose. I have way more energy now. I just… can’t sleep. I’m going to keep trying though. Will I ever get down to nothing as that’s the next dose drop? Today I’m not hopeful. But I wasn’t hopeful when I started weaning down either. I cannot even believe I was functioning when I was taking that fully and the migraine med that was for seizures. How did I ever get up? Those days are definitely blurs.
Someday I’d like to be off all medication & not self medicating either. Someday. I’m taking it super slow and steady. One day at a time. Literally. I’ll eventually learn healthy coping skills and sleep habits and be fine though. Eventually.
Work was… well, work. Still going in circles on hiring. Today my recruiter wanted to know why I turned down the last two interviews. Ummm, they aren’t a good fit? I’ve been hiring for this position for 18 months and have learned what works and doesn’t? I wrote him a 4 paragraph novel which he thanked me for and said it made more sense now and he understood. I think he’s used to managers that hire based on experience and that’s it. I literally hire based on the interview, all work history, gaps in employment, references, knowledge of the position and the skillset the applicant exhibits. I prefer no experience as there are no bad habits and oftentimes those applicants work twice as hard trying to prove themselves. I can’t say it enough - my best employees had no experience. I’ve worked damn hard to get this far. I’m not backsliding with a warm body that can’t do the job to my level of expectations. (Which is really basic - just follow policies.)
Got my lashes done tonight & learned all about my lash techs latest crazy life. I feel for her. She’s so desperate to be loved she just throws herself at every guy. She was telling me about one of her latest dates and it was awful. She deserved more. She still slept with him though. I finally had to tell her it was okay to say no. She doesn’t have to sleep with them all. Especially when they suck. She agreed and took it fine. Yet, I know in 3 weeks it’ll just be new names but the same scenarios.
I’m so thankful I climbed out of that boat and have begun to find my self worth. I’m not perfect. I have a long ways to go. I definitely sell myself short too. Just not to that level anymore. I’m slowly embracing I’m better off alone than being used. That I deserve to be a priority and number one - not an option or when it’s convenient. It’s been a long year to get this far. (And boy the choices I was making a year ago - yeah, I feel for that girl too. I deserved so much more and couldn’t see it.)
That’s about all I’ve got for today. Tomorrow begins my 14 hour work days for a couple days. Yay me. Hoping for good tips. Not holding my breath. I need to make Vegas money tho. For sure.
Now to go try and sleep. Gosh, I hope it comes tonight. I’m doing all the healthy things. They WILL work.
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