Another day. How exciting.
I’ve been trying to convince myself to reframe my mind lately and find the positive in things. It just feels like everyday is a repeat - Work, Clean, Sleep. Over and over. I’m just rushing each day to get back to the sleeping part as working all day is seriously NOT fun. Jessie asked if I was finding any joy in life lately. Wtf is joy! I’m literally working 70 hours a week and have been for 4 1/2 years lately. No, joy isn’t frequent. I’m really just burned out and exhausted with it all.
I’m off this weekend and Nick has the girls so I’ll just be sitting at home. This is probably the first time I’ve stayed home for a weekend - alone - since May. I’m partially dreading it as I still hate long periods alone. Being left with just my thoughts is far too much generally. However, I’m trying to find the positive.
Basically I’m deep cleaning & finding tasks that need to be done & I’ve avoided or not made it a priority. I’ve tore apart my bathroom. Just the vanity drawers and the large bathroom cupboard. They were all so packed with stuff. So far I’m on my 3rd huge garbage bag of stuff I’m getting rid of. Soaps I don’t or won’t use, almost gone shampoo bottles, make up, expired medications, curling irons and hair accessories I’ll never use. It’s insane the amount of stuff I’ve amassed since my divorce. Generally, I throw stuff away like a crazy person. However, there are a few things I seem to hoard and one of them is bathroom stuff it appears. I did this with the kitchen a few months ago and also threw away a ton. I’d really like to get rid of all the extra stuff and just live in a minimalist house that doesn’t have clutter shoved in closets or drawers. It’s amazing how much shit one can collect. I just work so much shoving is easier than organizing or I think I might need that some day and won’t be able to afford a new one… Nope, I very rarely ever wish I’d of saved something I threw. So, after the bathroom I think I’ll shoot for the two hallway closets. Maybe accomplish all of that by the end of the weekend. Maybe.
Thanksgiving was uneventful. Jaylissa said she’d cook so I just went over there. Her food was phenomenal. Then Kyler wanted to come home with me so we ended up having a slumber party. He was amazingly well behaved, especially since he’s generally the naughty one. I was dreading going though as I didn’t want to deal with my mom. I realized afterwards - I don’t think my mother said an actual word to me. She was playing on her phone when I arrived. She was actually fairly quiet through dinner and as soon as she was done eating she returned to playing on her phone. It’s just strange to me. When I see my kids I can’t wait to hear about their lives and quiz them. She doesn’t say a word. I shouldn’t be surprised and should just be thankful. I’m well aware I ruin her perfect self-image by not talking to her or participating in her shenanigans she then posts on Facebook. Going no-contact and then eventually low-contact for the kids sake is the best thing I’ve ever done. This is probably the first holiday I’ve even saw her in 3 1/2 years. So, it wasn’t as bad as I was anticipating. I just will always wish I had a normal mom that wasn’t a narcissistic asshole, had normal boundaries & truly loved me.
I volunteered to work today as I had no plans and somebody needed to be around for the supervisory team. I’m really wishing I hadn’t as I’m tired of stupid questions and it’s only 11 a.m. My boss sent me a random email - totally random - and told me what we could do on a case from October. October. She’s missed the memo October is over & it’s fairly irrelevant. My real question tho - it took her longer to email me than if she’d done it herself. It’s not even really mine to do but one of my case managers. Now do I waste even more time clarifying what she wants done and then passing it along to the case manager? Or just shutting up and doing it myself? It’s easier to just do it. Sometimes it’s the concept though. People trying to constantly pass off work to the next person drives me mad. I just do work as it’s faster. Not email XYZ to tell them what old work they can do. I can’t wait for the weekend off. Then the busy part of the month will resume and I’ll work far too many hours for a couple weeks.
It’s snowing and started sometime in the night. It’s super cold and not nice out. That makes me glad I’m not driving anywhere. We’re to get somewhere around 7” of snow. I’m not sure on the exact amount as one report said 5-7 and one said 7-9. So, I’m just saying 7. I need to get the snowblower out from under the deck but don’t want to go freeze and do that. I so should have already done it. Ugh.
I found yarn onsale today and bought a bunch to make Grace the blanket she wanted. I’m hoping I can pull it off and have it done by her birthday which is 1/19. I just need something to do to keep myself busy besides working or cleaning. So a blanket it is. She had really wanted one last year so hopefully she’ll still be excited this year. I feel for the kid as her dad is so… I don’t even know the word I want. He loves his kids. He works hard to pay the bills. Yet, he’s an alcoholic who doesn’t make the kids a priority. Poor Grace got nothing for Christmas or her birthday last year except from me. I’ve asked what he’s going to get her this year and he doesn’t know. I fear he’ll end up getting her nothing again. I won’t be around for Christmas but can steal her for her birthday. So, I’ve already told her that and she’s got grand plans… Tattoos for her 16th birthday. I’m not sure about that but the one she picked is simple and would be good to cover up the crappy cross she got at a party last year. We talked about Grace in therapy last week - Jessie pointed out the impact I made on her life as she still reaches out and still wants to spend time and the holidays with me. I just feel for her. I know what having crappy parents is like. I do suspect there’s a good chance I’ll end up with her here come January when she turns 16 as then she isn’t required to be in school and won’t be missing days being at my house. There will be massive rules if that happens which will include getting her HiSet. Nobody makes her go to school currently. So she doesn’t go. I have structure which I feel like she secretly craves. She gives me a hard time some days for ruining her life when rules come into play, but then she’s over it and back for more. We will see what January brings. Between Grace and the potential February baby it may be quite hectic come March.
I still haven’t made a concrete decision on the baby. I’ve already said CPS will have to ask. I qualify as kinship and can renew my license if needed. I don’t want to just take the baby without them involved though as it’ll mean mom can come back for the baby when she’s out of prison. In this case, mom is NOT best and never will be. She simply cannot and will not stay clean. Her other kids are 7 & 9 and she hasn’t managed to stay clean for the last 7 years of their life & has regularly committed so many petty crimes. Mom has no plan though of what she’s going to do when the baby is born. She’s mentioned to her other kids mom that she needs to find someone to take her. Yet, nobody in her family will qualify. Generational trauma is so real in this family. The baby’s father is in jail for felony abuse/strangulation charges against the mom so he obviously isn’t an option. (Though mom thinks maybe he’ll be good by then. Yeah. Right.) I have no idea what his family is like. I’m assuming they are similar to hers. Mom of her other 2 kids is deadset she can’t say yes as she can’t keep taking her babies. We’ve talked about it and I said I’d consider saying yes on the condition I’m not keeping the baby forever and it would go to ideally the other kids uncle who would need to do a home study first but would be an excellent family for this baby girl & would honor an open adoption & raise baby with frequent sibling contact. I’ve fostered before. I know I can take the baby and give her up when it’s time. It hurts, but that’s the point. Loving a sweet soul until their forever home is ready. So, with all that I’d probably say yes if CPS called but no if mom just wants to do it informally. I wouldn’t be able to give a baby back to those conditions and she’s got 2 years left to sit anyways. We will see what happens. I’m trying to stay very neutral on it and just praying I make the best decision when it’s time.
That’s about it. Just patiently waiting for it to be 5 p.m. to be off work and then I’ll resume patiently waiting for it to be bedtime while I clean something and wait.
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