I’ve been wanting to write an update but I always feel like I don’t have much to say.
Tomorrow will be one month since breaking up with K. How do I feel?
Not much at all. They say women leave relationships emotionally before they leave them physically. That is true in my situation.
I think back on the last two years and I know there have been moments where I felt happy but they were just moments. When they passed I was back to questioning our relationship, why I was with him and if life and love was always going to feel so empty.
I think about other peoples lives and relationships, is it just the default to be with someone you feel empty with? Is that what the standard for love becomes at a certain point in life.
I realize there are people with genuinely loving and stimulating relationships. I know it’s a possibility. I guess what I wondered was if it was really rare for that to occur or if I was just unlucky.
I believe I already talked about this in another post, or maybe not. But our relationship (third time together btw) this time around didn’t start positively. It started out of obligation and fear. He’d been harassing me for months for dating someone else. Threatening suicide and constantly telling me I was ruining his life and my own, that we were meant to be together.
Eventually I caved and let him pressure me into this fantasy. I remember realizing in the beginning I didn’t love him or even like him romantically, I was simply with him because I felt like I didn’t have any other choice. I told myself that my feelings will develop with time, I was just resentful after months of harassment. Afterall, if he wasn’t the one then why did he try so hard to make us work again?
The feelings never really came. My resentment lessened but I never really felt myself love him. It was like two years of platonic friendship, just floating along in life waiting for something to finally click in my brain. My life felt so meaningless and directionless.
Stuck with someone I can’t imagine a future with.
Stuck with someone I don’t want to imagine a future with.
Stuck with someone I don’t love and doesn’t make me feel loved.
Stuck.
I don’t know why it took me two years to build the courage to finally make a move. I guess I was waiting for the right time, the moment where it felt like he was also giving up and it was safe to leave.
In the beginning I tried to make things work. I wanted to believe that if this was my destined future it had to be worth something. As time passed it just became harder and harder. I felt more that we didn’t align romantically, neither of our needs were being met.
Is that what marriage is?
By the end I told myself I would rather be alone, jerking myself off into the sunset than build a life with him.
Is that what love is?
After the break up I only felt sad for about 2-3 days and then it was just happiness. I felt so relieved. I still feel so relieved and happy to be finished with that part of my life.
Even though it’s only been a month I have already moved on.
I know, I know. How awful of me. How dare I.
Maybe in another post I dive into this new relationship and explain how it came to be and whatever else. But for now, I just want to admit to myself and the void.
I actually really like Isa and I feel so much happier than I ever had been with K in all all of our failed relationships (3 relationships in the span of 2021-2025).
It is crazy how much I can feel for someone and yearn for them after years of feeling empty and numb.
I used to wonder if loving someone was possible for me again and now I feel like it is.
I’m so down bad for Isa. The lover girl in me is ready to do the full married with kids fantasy with him ASAP.
I gotta stop myself from being impulsive like that.
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