I saw you yesterday and you didn’t even know it was me. I was leaving Wal-Mart…My skirts swishing around my legs like the rinse cycle, as I am navigating my way to the door, pushing my cart. It is your albino friend, Joe, I see first. Of course, he catches my eye. White hair on white skin, like a picture in a brand new coloring book. Then I see the figure behind him. Skeletal in junkie thinness, but still, damn, that fucking swagger. Immediately your head swings around towards me-like a violent magnet pull you can’t explain. Like the same pull we felt the first time we met. Our eyes lock. Those beautiful green eyes full of ghosts. The hollow coves of your sunken cheeks. Aged. I stop, frozen, as we stare…but your reaction is dulled, no sign of recognition in those haunted house eyes. Joe is talking & you return your attention to him. You turn around once more, realizing I am staring at you…I am waiting for you to know who I am, but you never recognize me. Me….the girl who laid next to you for 6 years in agony & ecstasy, the girl you called Bunny, the only girl to ever be called your wife…and then, husband, you are gone.
I try to keep it together till I get in the old white rustbucket…and then, I am a Tinman rusted to paralysis with grief, too. My chest aches. Will I ever forget how much I loved you? How much you broke my heart?
After I weep in my car, I turn it all off & drive home to ready myself for a date with J. It is the first time I’ve seen him since his numerous, ham-fisted blunders and I feel a slight slip of anxiety and doubt over what I am doing. As I shower & pack, he texts me the hotel address. Gives me the room number. He leaves his shoe in the door for me, so I can get in while he finishes freshening up in the bathroom. I collapse into fetal position on the bed. He comes out and flops down on his belly next to me, grinning at me under his baseball cap. I realize just how happy I am to see his face. A feeling I realize I have just had regarding you, Alex, but just a few hours earlier.
He takes me out for a drink where we first met, Nail Creek. He asks me what drink I want…per usual, gin & tonic. He asks them for their most expensive gin & orders a double for me. He orders a Manhattan with top shelf bourbon. An alcoholic dangling carrot for surviving our stressful past few weeks. We float on pheromones to our usual table in the corner…as the night proceeds, we order more drinks and our bodies fall into a continental drift towards each other… Despite our recent interactions, things are easy between us….there is still attraction. Finally, we loosely slink out of our booth and head towards the hotel.
Once we get there, we get ready for bed. I do my usual pretense of a quick change into pj’s that are only going to end up on the floor.
We turn out the lights & merge.
J. is on top of me, kissing me, trying to undress me. Still anxious, I stay atmospheric in the periphery of his hands. Finally, he says, “I’m trying to undress you.” And the clothes come off, a pile of my inhibitions by the side of the bed.
J. is on fire, my body alight with his want.
He grabs my hands, holding me down, plunging into me roughly over and over. I whine and grind back into him. I love the way we fit, he whispers…All I can do is pant in his ear and whisper, ohmygod. He laughs and fucks me harder, deeper…then commands me to turn over, rutting into me from behind. He knocks the air out of me with each thrust. I feel completely breathless and disjointed with pleasure by the time he flips me back over. He pushes my legs over his shoulders and his hands explore between my legs. He tells me that he wants to take my ass really badly. I tell him I brought lube if that’s what he wants. I am surprised when, instead, he disengages from the penetrative exchange and tells me to pleasure him. I eagerly comply, the taste of me on him…filling my mouth. I suck him down deep into my throat, his hands caressing my hair. He tells me to go even slower. My throat full of him, I bottom out and slowly peel back off of him with my lips sucking lightly as I do. He likes how I take all his length in. I like that he likes it. Finally, he pulls me off of him and tells me to guide him back into my warm, soft folds. I love being inside of you, he says. Once he’s enveloped back in my rose garden where it feels so good, he bites and sucks my breasts, till my back is an arch bridge. He asks if I like it, his bites…. yes, I want to say, but I’m completely gone. I wrap my legs around him tighter and make little noises in my throat. He seals my mouth off with his, kissing me hard, and then fucks me ruthlessly and relentlessly. At times, all I can do is put the palms of my hands on the headboard behind me and push back. Finally, after over an hour of colliding into each other, he explodes inside my limp, exhausted body & then sleep rolls in like a London fog for him.
But me? Me, I toss and turn. Eventually, bony hands pull me back through the floorboards to my past per usual. I dream about my uncle hurting me. He tells me I like it. He is choking me. My fingers splay. I feel like I am dying. I struggle to get out from under his body weight, like it’s the metal bar of the mousetrap…I am trapped beneath him like his body is the rollercoaster lap-bar locking me down into a ride I don’t want to go on. I am startled by a sudden pain. I moan. Then again, a kick that forces me upright and gasping. I realize I am not back there. I also realize J. has kicked me to awaken me. I am so grateful to be plucked from my dream that I’m not even mad about the feeling of his heels drumming on my body.
This morning, we wake up at 5:30 am because I have to get home to get B ready and onto the bus. J. apologizes for kicking me. “I was half asleep and couldn’t figure out how to wake you up from one of your dreams. I’m sorry. I feel horrible. I was just trying to stop it.” One of my dreams. Like I somehow own that acreage of trauma. He is already moving on to crab at the news on the tv, though…skating away from his apology. Oh well, I am just trying to re-animate my limbs to functional. Our activities from the previous night have rendered my joints locked into a tender Tetris of painfulness. After stretching and rolling and cracking all my joints, I gently kiss J. goodbye…
But, Alex, it is your lovely lost eyes I see when I close my eyes & plant my lips on his. Your green eyes, the color of a world I know I can no longer live in, but despite it all, still desperately wish to call home…
Song Choice: Devastating by Woodpigeon
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