I really fucked up.
I was manipulative...
But it wasn't out of malice or control, it wasn't really conscious either. I wasn't trying to affect her independence... I was acting out of fear.
I'm so full of fear, fear of things unrelated to her and some things related to her. But really mostly other things and she is a spot that gives me peace ... So the thought of losing that also causes me fear., and I brought that into the conversation and blew up everything.
But what happens when you throw together somebody who has an anxious attachment style with somebody who has an avoidant one? Takes a lot of patience and time...
You're the one I want/ I'm not the one you want...
Let's talk about this/ I need space...
I want to fix this, she just wants to stop and we're both afraid that we're not enough... Or at least that's what we did think. But for different reasons
I really wish I was more well versed in how to communicate because I don't do it well unless it's on paper and there sometimes it can just feel like empty words. I would have done a lot of things differently months ago let alone weeks ago
Anyway, moral of the story...
I'm an idiot and push people away. This is not new.
But it will be okay..I think
She still makes my soul dance...I do not care
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