Giving up in Book 1

I know what it looks like when someone in my situation gives up.. I've seen it.

The pressure sores, edema, staying in the chair for 24 hours, not bathing for weeks, infection.. it's how my friend died..

I'm not there yet but I'm closer than I've ever been... I don't want to do this anymore. It's taking forever to get some health things sorted out and I don't know how much longer I can put up with it 

And then just living as I need to live... It's getting harder. It's getting harder to find the support I need, even the fucking simple tools that I need is becoming impossible to find...

I'm just finding it hard to care.. hard to keep going, hard to look forward to the next day... And that's not really like me. I always look forward to the next day. I don't anymore

I just want to go to sleep...