What is "it"? in A Childhood Lost

I definitely never thought of my mom as a failure.
but what was it that she didn’t fail at?

Certainly, she never raised me. She never endeavored to care about or for me. She never made it her goal to raise children.

So she never failed.

My relationship to her was as a reluctant tow-along in her life. Not just a non-priority, but it was a priority that children should not effect her. In that, she was a total success.

I used to envy my mom’s ability to go out and get anything she wanted. I guess my envy was in truth closer to righteous jealousy. For, as God lay claim to man’s worship, a child has intrinsic right to the mother’s regard. My mom chose to have a baby for some vain purpose, and she chose to keep it, and she chose to disregard it’s needs.