For anyone who reads this on a regular basis, this should be the last time I carry on about this in any long-form fashion, but I need to see this laid out in front of me to get any kind of closure to put it behind me..
Anyway..
I woke up this morning feeling great. I could not wait to talk to B. As per her request the day before, I had picked a topic for us to debate throughout the day. It was her way of trying to connect and I appreciated it even though I kind of fumbled it yesterday. The conversation was great and when we were pretty much done, I was so energized by it I wish she had been there so we could make out
We texted about random stuff and she mentioned that she had her weekly meeting which is typically followed by what's called a womentum meeting later in the day. It's a committee that she heads that promotes female leadership in the workplace , if I understand it correctly. It was one of the first things I learned about her and I find it incredibly sexy that she's involved in it . I'm really proud of her for the work that she does in it and it became really important for me to be updated about things that happened in that committee . So I asked about it quite frequently .
Anyway , I asked her when that was and she said they're never happening again. And that the national office is taking them over.
" That's crazy. When did this happen?"
" When I was on vacation"
"You were on vacation a month ago.. You didn't say anything"
" No I didn't"
I lost my goddamn mind. I was furious. I was so fucking mad and I felt like it was the last line in a long list of lines where I've been left outside of her life. And it's okay for her not to tell me things but she expected me to keep her in the loop of all things that I did. She would get bent out of shape if I didn't tell her I was going to take a nap. And look, that might sound crazy to some people but I fucking loved it. But I also expected the same back.
That's small potatoes though. Her losing the committee is a big deal. It happened about a month ago And she's been having issues for I would wager about a month.. depressed and withdrawn. Which is another thing. A few weeks ago I was telling her how I was having suicidal thoughts and seeking a therapist and she never mentioned her mental health issues until just a couple days ago. Which is too bad because it could have been something we could have shared. How to deal with it. I suspect right now we're feeling a very similar way about life but it's been so hard to talk to her that I have no idea. Anyway I'm not saying her losing the committee and her mental health issues are connected but they could be. I wish she had told me. I'm sad for her. She was proud of the work she did for it and I was proud of her for putting herself out there. It's not something she does naturally...So when it ended a MONTH ago and we talk every day for MULTIPLE hours a day...how does something so important not come up?
I was SO fucking mad. I'm still livid...So the next thing out of my mouth was " I can't do this anymore, I can't keep giving and getting nothing back" or something similar to that
"Ok"
"Nothing to say? I don't know what I ever did to you for you to be such an asshole to me"
"No I have nothing"
See and here's where I said something I regret
" Well fuck you too then"
And I left it... At least for a couple hours
Because I'm a glutton for punishment and this woman I do not want to lose and I think it's because of how much I invested and how much I feel I gave to her. But also, it's the way that she talks to me, when she talks to me,... It makes me feel normal.. like I'm not a freak, and she accepted me for who I am with very little effort. And her? When she decides to show you who she is without any of her masks on, it is glorious. She is warm, she is intelligent, she is funny, she is sexy, And it with very little effort she makes every room she's in so much better. She can't ever see that herself and I thought I was going to be able to get an opportunity to help her get there but I fucked it all up.
But because I'm a glutton for punishment, I couldn't just leave it at that. I felt bad and so I sent her a message apologizing for swearing at her. If today is really the last time we're going to talk, I didn't want that to be my last message to her. She didn't deserve that regardless of how I felt. So I apologized. And well, she was not having it.... And now she is done. Which I guess is progress. But I mean, this last month has been really difficult but I still stood by her when she was going through a difficult time. I was there for her. And when she was distant and cold instead of calling her out, I asked her what I could do better... I don't understand why I don't deserve forgiveness, why I don't deserve second chances. B has fucked up and forgiving her was never a question for me... We would always just choose each other
And yeah I would bring up breaking up. I would ask her if she wanted to, I would ask her if she wanted me to leave but I thought that's because I kept asking her what she wanted from me and from the relationship and she could never articulate words. Even today she couldn't.
So I'm just left scratching my head... Why didn't she tell me about the committee, why didn't she care when I told her I couldn't do this anymore, why didn't she say hey I'm sorry for not telling you but let's just talk about it... I know you can't make a person say what you want them to
Yet in all the times where I felt like she wanted to leave this relationship, she never once said she wanted to. But when I would ask her what she wanted from it, she never had an answer for that either.
So I'm always going to be wondering how her view of me changed so drastically in such a short time. It would have been really good if she just said I don't love you anymore, I don't want this anymore, But she couldn't, so she used my emotions And my feelings for her, for her benefit when she wanted to cuz they made her feel good. Of course they did. I kept her company when she was at work and when she was at home in the evening. We would watch TV together over the phone and she must have gotten something from me out of that But I don't know what. She never wanted to see me and I gave up asking. And when I brought up my needs, there was always something she was dealing with that made it impossible to have a real conversation about it or I was trying to beat a dead horse
I know she used to read these here but I don't think she does anymore which I guess is for the best. I'm mad at her, I'm mad at myself...
I love this woman but this last month has sucked. I tried everything... And I wasn't good enough
Loading comments...