July 2025 in 2020s

7/1/25

I am horribly depressed right now and wish I could just get some deadly disease or drop dead from a heart attack. I was so fatigued I could barely get out of bed – it was horrible and it still is. My sleep has also been messed up because of the stress. It’s fragmented, and today was cut short, partly because I just lay around so much the day before, and was stressed about Tom.

I’m also really down because, although it’s not a surprise at this point, Tinkerbella’s tumor is growing, and she’s losing weight. With my experience with rats, I put it at some time in August that well…that’s all I’ll say about that. I’m miserable enough right now.

Tom’s surgery went well and he’s recovering fine, but his 15-minute procedure ended up taking hours because his fucking wife had to end up with a driving phobia and though he’s always sworn he doesn’t mind.

First, the driver parked at Toni’s place. Then, as soon as Tom got into his car, even though he would never want me to drive and I’m at the point where I couldn’t anyway, given all this fatigue and brain fog, he immediately wished I were with him. The driver didn’t speak English! Why people choose to work in a country where they don’t speak the language is beyond me. Sure, it’s better than them mooching off of welfare, but if you’re going to come to the U.S., please learn the language first.

Tom wasn’t driven straight to the appointment. They had to pick up other people first, and there were all sorts of communication problems, though he did arrive on time. Then he had to wait forever, and the surgery that was scheduled for 8:30 didn’t happen until 11:00.

He said I was right about how the stuff they gave him would affect him. Whatever they gave him via IV caused him to have gaps in his memory, and his sense of time was distorted as well. I’m guessing they gave him Triazolam. He can remember some of it, just like I could remember some of the dental work I had done on me.

He said that after they hooked him to the IV, they put in several different eye drops. Then they strapped his head, and it was pretty tight. He was told not to move his hands because that would scare the doctor. He said he remembers his head shaking or something like that. He was also told that he needed to focus on a certain light and that the doctor may call out to him to do so if he started to drift.

After the procedure, he was given a couple of Oreo cookies and a soda. He dropped some crumbs on the floor and bent down to pick them up, but the nurses scolded him for that, lol. Same with when he went to leave a whole hour and a half later when they finally came to pick him up, saying that he needed to be escorted out. He said it was funny because the woman was kind of old and frail, and he felt like he was supporting her more than she was supporting him.

So this time he got a driver who spoke English. They had to drop off an old lady who seemed really out of it, who was with her caretaker, before coming home.

His eyes look funny with one pupil so much larger than the other. He’s not in any pain but has to resist the urge to scratch his eye because he feels sort of like he has an eyelash caught in it or something. They gave him a rounded piece of plastic to tape over his eye when he’s sleeping.

He took a long nap after he got home and ate, then he was up for a while, and I cried on his shoulder after he told me about his day. And now he’s asleep again. Because of the long nap, he doesn’t expect to sleep more than a few hours. This way, I can take my first dose of Doxepin at bedtime with him up and alert, although I’m at the point where I would do it even if he weren’t here or was asleep because I just don’t care anymore.

Research suggests that CoQ10 can help with chronic fatigue, but when I asked Rhonda about it, she said she’s not aware of that helping, so I said fuck it. Just like with the anxiety, nothing I do is going to help. I’m left with no choice but to be forced to suffer through it.

Tom thinks I’m really tired today because I was on the vibe platform the other day, and that’s just too much for me to take on with this disease.

Whatever the case may be, I feel picked on, singled out, helpless, and hopeless. I’m looking at a very rough road for the rest of my life, however long that is, and all I can say is that, at this point, the shorter the better. I’m so, SO tired of dealing with health issues year after year!

7/2/25

I guess I’d better do some updating before I get any more behind. I had quite a reaction to the Doxepin. Nothing dangerous or anything like that, but oh my God, let me start at the beginning!

Last night I had lots of mouth farts. Even with the mouth tape, air would accumulate in my mouth and I have no idea why because I slept untaped the previous two nights without leaks. I guess it’s just whatever likes to curse my sleep.

The mowers woke me up on Tuesday, and then my mask decided to whistle me a little tune when I accidentally lay on the pinholes, which are there for exhalation ventilation as well as to keep you from suffocating if the machine stops in your sleep.

Anyway, it was almost 48 hours ago that I took the first Doxepin, and believe me, it was the last! I swear to God I’m never going to take another medication again other than my thyroid pills, even if they told me it was a matter of life or death. I’ll gladly take death because I am just so sensitive to medication.

So I took it at 3:30 in the morning two nights ago, crashed an hour or two later, and ended up sleeping for like 9½ hours. I woke up groggy as hell. Just totally out of it, and my brain wouldn’t work right. It was a shitty feeling. I couldn’t do much but lie in bed, and ended up napping not just once, but twice. Each time was for about an hour and a half. So now I’m up to a total of 12½ hours of sleep.

So when bedtime came around the next night, I figured I wouldn’t sleep long since I slept so much the night before, but I did. I slept 9 hours last time around and even had one nap.

It’s just so fucking frustrating because it’s like no matter what I do to try to help myself, it just seems to make things worse. All I do is suffer, and if something up there is trying to drive me to the end, it’s slowly but surely working. Knowing my CF is incurable has been pure hell on me emotionally as well as physically. Knowing it’s pointless to try to help myself, I’ve said fuck it. I’ll just give up on myself till it’s time to throw the towel in for good.

The CPAP has stopped me from having noticeable breathing issues, but it’s not going to restore my energy. The machine is no match for CF. I have a sore throat that’s common with CF right now, too. Besides, I may not have as many events as I used to but I’m going to have almost as many leaks to make up for them, so I’m going to sleep shitty no matter what I do. The CF alone means shitty sleep quality anyway. No matter what I do or how I sleep, I’m almost always going to wake up not feeling refreshed.

I literally broke down and tears, realizing that my life is basically over. The CF is a definite life sentence. Especially when it’s gotten as bad as mine has gotten. No more trips. No more going out for walks or bike rides or even to the beach. Just going to the store and appointments has become a struggle. The rest of my life will be spent sitting around doing next to nothing. They call it pacing. I call it what it is… being forced to be lazy and miss out on life. There’s absolutely no treatment or cure for it, so I’m basically just forced to spend the rest of my life being tired half the time which really sucks.

7/3/25

Oh great, I have to sit and listen to the fucking fireworks for the next few nights.

I don’t know why the hell I can sometimes sleep with a mask without leaks, and other times it leaks. I do know that I’m never going to reap the possible benefits from consistent CPAP use if I continue having leaks, so we lowered the pressure from 4–20 to 4–9. Most people go to 10 and I usually go to 11. I don’t know that this is enough to make a difference, though. We’ll just have to watch my AHI scores and see how I sleep.

We talked about picking out another pulmonologist and getting on the waiting list for an out-of-home sleep study so I can switch to a mouth guard, but I am just so, so tired of hopelessly fighting for what truly seems like a lost cause and something that isn’t meant to be. I think it’s time I just give up on myself. You can’t make something be that just isn’t meant to be. I have no idea why, but I’m just meant to be exhausted. I’m trying to get used to it and learn to adapt and live with it. But. It’s been really hard so far. I try to remind myself that if I had energy all the time, I would just end up getting bored and not knowing what to do with it all.

We also increased the exhalation relief setting, which was on 2 and goes as high as 3. I don’t think that’s an issue, though. Tom did read, however, that if the pressure is too high, it can leave you tired the next day. Well, if there’s a 1% chance I don’t have chronic fatigue and it’s all in my device/settings, I’m not going to find that out as long as I keep having problems.

Ordered a liner for the hybrid to see if that helps give it a better seal, although that too is doubtful. I can still use it to make the cradle more comfortable, though.

Also ordered a new set of sports bras and cotton panties. I’ll keep the silkies and the G-strings for sleeping.

7/5/25

I am so horribly exhausted that I wonder when I’m going to collapse. I slept plenty long enough and didn’t wake up a million times, yet the fatigue from chronic fatigue really is real. Plus, I could still have long COVID fatigue if I really did ever have COVID. Unfortunately, there’s no way to test for either.

I’ve got a 100 mg of CoQ10 capsules coming tomorrow, and hopefully I’ll notice a difference within 2 to 4 weeks. It could take up to 8 weeks, though, and I might have to increase the dose as long as I’m not having side effects, and add NADH and carnitine. AI says it helps the majority of those with chronic fatigue obtain moderate energy, but I don’t feel very hopeful. I just don’t get problems I can fix or even greatly alleviate. Yet it’s hard to resist the urge to try whatever I can think of when you’re suffering that much and therefore desperate enough.

I woke up a few times for no apparent reason, and then once I’m pretty sure was due to thunder, and another time thanks to our little attention getters that have to make a scene with the fireworks.

We had a tropical storm blow through and it took the power out for a little while, right along with the internet. I was a little worried that it would cause a voltage spike and damage the AC like last time because of the way it was flickering on and off before it went out completely but it’s fine.

The storm delayed the obnoxious fireworks, but it didn’t stop them. They were going well after midnight. I bitched about it on Facebook and Mrs. Twenties said it was like a war zone where she is. I remember it being bad there. The thing is that I’m in a rural area with mostly old people, so I thought things would be a lot more tame here, but apparently not. Oh, to have land again! How I miss our land and house in Arizona! But no matter what our finances are, I will never again be healthy enough to move. This, along with the stress and shitty sleep, had me wake up depressed and frustrated with the knowledge that I’ll almost certainly never get better. Besides the basic CF, it feels like that one pill really screwed me up. I just checked, and I’m not going crazy after all, for feeling like it’s still affecting me, because that one pill can take up to 7 days to completely clear my system.

As miserable as I felt, a big smile broke out on my face when I made my rounds checking for notes, messages, and emails in various places and opened Melanie’s message on Messenger. She wants to gift me a haunted doll she got from a thrift shop in her hometown of Cleveland! She believes it’s a Jewish woman who died in her 30s or 40s who spent her life in Cleveland. She didn’t realize when she got it that it was haunted, but she’s been able to determine with her pendulum that even though it’s a male doll, a woman haunts it. She shared a few pictures of it. It’s not exactly aesthetically pleasing, but I’ve seen a lot worse. It says on the base that the doll is affixed to that it was made in Israel. It’s a small doll that I’d say is less than a foot tall. Anyway, that was so kind of Melanie to offer and it really made my day! Or night in this case, since I’m on nights now. It was a delightful surprise mixed in with the fatigue and chaos and sense of hopelessness I’ve been feeling. I plan to surprise her eventually with a diamond painting.

There’s been a new weapon against my sleep, and that’s hip pain. I have that at times anyway, but it seems to be a little more frequent, and I’m guessing it’s mostly because I’m not sleeping on my stomach as much as I used to. Next time around, if it isn’t that or another storm, I’m sure it will be leftover fireworks to fuck with my sleep.

No leaks last time around, but the weird thing is that even though he went into the clinical settings and set it to max at 9.0, it says it went up to 10.9. He also found settings we didn’t realize were there. It wasn’t set for her—this is one of those “for her” CPAPs. It’s supposed to use the algorithms differently, so I don’t know if that will help and make a difference or not.

I still fear that I’m cursed and never going to get better. The anxiety I had was the worst feeling in the world, but the fatigue is more debilitating. It’s become very hard to function and do even the most simple, everyday things like changing the bed or cooking a meal. It won’t be as healthy, but I’m going to go back to somewhat of a processed diet because food preparation and cooking drains the shit out of me—that’s how bad I’ve gotten. I’ll just have to be careful because it will drive my weight and blood pressure up if I get just anything.

I still see myself ending it more and more. I don’t have to let myself continue to suffer like this year after year and eventually decade after decade. I would have preferred to be healthy and live as long as he does, but that’s obviously not meant to be. I just don’t see myself getting better, though. If anything up there is tearing down my health in hopes of driving me to suicide within the next handful of months or so, it’s working. I am totally losing my will to survive and my patience as far as trying to figure things out and help myself.

So when the CoQ10 is a bust and I still have leaks half or more of the time, I’m done. It would take way too long to get a mouthguard, and like I said, the fatigue and sleep disturbances are really taking their toll on me. It’s gotten to the point where I almost feel like I wouldn’t have to kill myself to end it because it’s going to end it for me by pushing me into a stroke or a heart attack.

Yupp is turning out to be quite a scam because they won’t let me cash out to PayPal. Maybe I’ll eventually get the few bucks I have via debit card, or at least try to.

Matey is having a birthday bash, and now you get more sparks rather than fewer gems. It runs for a month. I thought to myself, how much you want to bet the daily task is going to be a roleplay game more often to make you really work for those sparks—and sure enough, this is the second day in a row where roleplay is the task for that. Roleplay is the most work and I gave up on playing those stupid games because it often tells me I failed to say the right thing and I just end up losing coins needlessly.

7/6/25

I did an image search of the doll Melanie says she’s sending, and it appears to be that of a Hasidic Jew.

Also ordered a silver ankle bracelet with my points from my health insurance plan. They gave me points for getting my A1C tested but not yet for my physical. I miss toe rings and polish! But toe rings are hard to clean around, and polish will only lead to fungus. I used to have such colorful, fancy feet, lol.

Anyway, yesterday was an absolutely horrible day. I felt so miserable I just wished I could cease to exist! My sleep was fragmented to hell thanks to storms and leaks and whatnot, and was broken up into sections, and I just can’t handle that shit as an older person with CF. Even with my mouth taped and no leaks coming out of my mouth, my cheeks sometimes balloon with trapped air.

Tom did more research and tweaked the clinical settings on my CPAP, insisting that what he did will help, but I still say the CPAP is all wrong for me, and half the time it’s going to be a problem. So I got the ball rolling for the near year it’s going to take to hopefully get a mouth guard. I don’t see why I wouldn’t qualify or why that wouldn’t help more. So we picked out one nearby that’s in-network, and I messaged Rhonda requesting a referral.

I will tell her about the Doxepin nightmare when we have our virtual meeting at the end of next month. If all continues to go well, I will keep taking the Levo consistently and hit the lab around the 1st.

So like I said, I was utterly over the top and off-the-charts batshit exhausted yesterday that I spent 90-something percent of the day having to lie around in bed. I feel like I accomplished very little. I felt a little better when Tom got up and I had him to vent to. Last time around was the opposite, and I slept amazingly well. Sadly, part of the reason is that I took a full Clonazepam. I haven’t taken any in several days, and when I do, I usually only take half. But I needed to get some real sleep so bad that I took a full one and was lucky enough not to have any major leaks. The cradle shifted slightly at one point and blew extra air toward the side, but there were no storms to wake me up and I didn’t have to get up and pee. No waking up for no reason over and over, or any nightmares either. Of course I’m still tired, though, because the Clonazepam is still in my system and I can never sleep well enough long enough to fully pay off my sleep debt. Plus, I do still have chronic fatigue on top of it all. My schedule is now so that I can get some morning sunlight. The Clonazepam should start wearing off in a few hours, so between that and when the sun comes up, I should perk up a little more.

I found my HRV on Fitbit was zero so many times, but Tom thinks it just didn’t register. I don’t know about that, though, because everything else registers just fine. It’s very rare but possible to have an HRV of zero, and I have a bad habit of doing rare really well. It’s my specialty. Whether it’s real or not, my HRV is always lower than normal.

7/8/25

Joined Togetherall, a community support group for those who struggle with physical and emotional conditions. It’s totally anonymous. You’re not supposed to state your name or location, and you can’t even pick your own username or avatar. They randomly assign you a username, and the avatars are typically random colors with shapes/designs.

I was exhausted most of the day yesterday, but perked up the further into my day I went. So much so that I took melatonin so I wouldn’t be up too long. It caused me to have a nightmare. Air got trapped in my mouth a few times too, not surprisingly. I disagree with Tom, who says we can eventually adjust the settings to stop this from happening. I think I need a mouth guard. The only negative to a mouth guard that I can think of is that I’ll have to go back to using nose strips. The one thing the CPAP does without fail is open my nose beautifully. The cradle and the original nasal pillow do a great job of that.

I weighed the pros and cons of both harnesses and nasal pillows and decided that while my original harness is the most comfortable, that particular nasal pillow with the prongs that sit just inside the nostrils gets too hard to seat properly. The other harness isn’t quite as comfortable, but the quick release on top makes it easier to get in and out of, and the cradle is more comfortable and stable. It does sometimes shift a bit to the side, which causes a bit of a hissing sound that can wake me up, but air getting trapped in my mouth is a bigger issue.

So thanks to Rhonda, a referral to my chosen pulmonologist is on the way. Really wish I could go to the second one I saw, but he’s not covered under my current plan.

Last night my sleep was a little more fragmented, but I’m not quite as tired. I still am pretty damn fatigued, don’t get me wrong, but I think I’ll be able to make it to Publix later on, which we plan to go to. We’ve both been craving variety.

Took my third dose of CoQ10 earlier, and I haven’t had any side effects yet. I really, really hope it helps with energy, but it will take time if it’s going to help me. They’re soft gel capsules, but they’re huge. So I pour a dab of olive oil on a spoon and then take a toothpick, pierce the bottom of the capsule, and squeeze it out onto the spoon. It’s kind of nasty tasting, so I chase it right down with food or drink. I just hate swallowing big pills.

Tom believes that just like with the anxiety, which I now only get occasionally instead of nearly every day, the same thing will eventually happen with the fatigue, and that it will slowly fizzle out and become an occasional occurrence, even if I’m never going to have the kind of energy I had in my 20s and 30s. I’ll settle for my 40s energy! Even the early days of Citrus Heights would be wonderful. I’d settle for my late 40s to early 50s energy. I still have to see it to believe it, though. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a die-hard pessimist. But he feels certain that it’s a matter of finding what works for me.

He still believes that we’ll eventually move. That’s the thing—my vibes and logic completely disagree with each other, just like at the last place. My logic says I’m never going to be healthy enough to move, and even if I were, we’re never going to have the money. But my vibes say otherwise. I just don’t feel like this is our forever home, even though I certainly would think it is. I still have an awful lot of moving dreams, and I can’t believe they’re all a reflection of my thoughts, because trust me, it’s not on my mind like the fatigue is.

Also, while this place may not be perfect with all the planes, and the honker can get annoying, and the storms put stress on me and can disrupt my sleep, it’s not like we’re anywhere near remotely desperate to get out of here. This park is still a million times quieter than the last one. In the middle of a weekday, it’s usually dead quiet here, whereas the old place was noisy even in the middle of the night. The house was bigger and the health care system was better, but I hated it there otherwise.

While I’m on the subject of vibes, as I was unwinding for bed yesterday, I had a strong and sudden sense that the next president will also be a Refucklican. I suppose this shouldn’t be too surprising with all the “red” people in this country that only seem to multiply with time. I wouldn’t be surprised if I only saw one or two more Democrats elected in my lifetime. But yeah, I don’t know who the hell they are or what gender they are, but I strongly sense another Republifucker on the horizon.

So I got an achievement email from LiveJournal. Today, my journal there is 17 years old. Old, but not as old as my entire journal, which will be 40 years old in a couple of years.

Most of the dreams I’ve had lately are just bits and pieces of senseless stuff, but last night’s nightmare consisted of Tom and me being trapped in a room in some building. We were hiding from a homicidal maniac running around with a machete and a gun. I don’t know if we knew the guy, but since we didn’t get shot at, I guess I don’t have to worry about anything particularly bad happening to us in real life.

The weirdest dream I remember was taking off on a plane from England to another country (India?). The plane was just rows of chairs on a platform where everyone sat side by side. It wasn’t enclosed at all. There were also no fields surrounding the runway. It almost looked like we were taking off down a city street, as there were numerous buildings close by.

7/9/25

The Quest 3S is now on its way, and when I get new glasses, I’ll take his Q3! It was $50 off due to Prime Day, so we couldn’t pass it up. It will be better than the Q2 until I get the glasses. Then we’ll have one of each, and the Q2 will become a backup.

Good thing my new undies fit well and are comfortable because I accidentally ordered bikini briefs and not boy shorts.

Another thing we have on the way is an area rug for the living room. We’ll eventually put one in the bedroom, but not until we switch out the waterbed’s tubes for the bladder and get the wall tiles to finish the walls in there. This rug has different hues of light to medium purple.

Probably going to be giving up on Togetherall because the site is pretty dead. That’s OK. I have plenty of other people, including this journal, to vent to.

Yesterday it took me 13 hours before I finally perked up, and today I perked up about 8 hours after I got up, so I’m doing a little better. Things have still been worse in general, and it’s been way harder for me to do the simplest of things at times. Going to Publix yesterday was a bit of a task.

Since there are usually more than one culprit to things, again I’m wondering if absorption issues, along with the antibodies trying to kill the damn gland, are having a hand in my fatigue. It’s definitely something to ask Rhonda about. Meanwhile, I’m sticking with the CoQ10, and I’m waiting closer to an hour rather than 30 minutes before I eat or drink after taking the Levo. I also looked up more foods I should avoid during the first 4 hours. I need to make a better point of avoiding calcium, iron, and magnesium during those hours. I learned that coffee, even if it’s decaffeinated, can interfere with absorption at any time of day. So I’m going to try dandelion root tea, which is said to taste like coffee. Plus, alcohol depletes CoQ10, so I need to back off on that again.

Last night my sleep was very fragmented. I woke up several times for no apparent reason, and then because my mouth started filling with air, although not as much as usual. We’re gonna give it one more night before we tweak settings again.

7/10/25

Woke up with the usual heavy fatigue and feeling like I only slept an hour. It has been so much worse lately. I don’t even have so-so days anymore. I did perk up in the middle of my day yesterday, but even when I perk up, it’s still not normal. Tom is still sure that I’m going to get my energy back eventually, but that it will be a gradual thing with no quick fix. I’m asking myself the same questions I asked with the anxiety. What are all the culprits, and what could possibly fix it? Technically, I never did fix the anxiety. It just fizzled out on its own as my hormones settled. The problem is that this is chronic fatigue and not about changing hormones. Chronic fatigue has a less than 10% chance of going away. So if he ends up right, then he’s more psychic than I am because I feel incredibly hopeless right now, and I wonder how many more years I can live this way. It’s absolutely horrible to have this constant, all-encompassing, crushing fatigue and brain fog. I’m never given problems in life that I can fix. They may not last forever, but they sure do last a long time, and as I said, I fear that this one is forever.

No leaks, but I did have my sleep broken up. Part of that might be my fault because I didn’t move the phone. I was up for a little while but not too long. I don’t think it was even for an hour. Then my sleep was disrupted again a couple of hours later when I had a horribly sad dream and was up for over an hour. It was just so incredibly sad because in the dream, Tom and I were younger—like perhaps in our forties—and had only been together 10 years when he decided to dump me. A split second later, I was back out west but somewhere in Nevada. Over the phone, I arranged for free room and board in a mini hotel if I helped out with cleaning and in the diner on the main floor. The place was owned by a couple around 80 years old. As I rode through the neighborhood to the hotel, I passed by many large and luxurious homes and envied their owners.

Upon entering the diner, you stepped into a guinea pig’s pen that was two or three feet deep and walled off by wire mesh, lol. Then you had to step over that, and then you were in a hamster’s cage, which was of similar size. After you stepped over the second wire mesh wall, you were in the diner.

I had just one suitcase with me, which was all I could take, and as I wheeled around, I found the woman who owned the place and introduced myself. Her husband or someone else working there took my suitcase to what would be my room, and then I was to join her, her husband, and other family members at a large table for breakfast or lunch.

Her granddaughter was present, who appeared to be around 10, and the woman said, “This kid is special. Mess with her and you get dead.” I smiled with understanding, knowing she was referring to anyone in general who may consider harming the child and not me personally.

Then I had the ridiculous hope that she and her husband would somehow grow fond enough of me to take me under their wing and leave me some of their inheritance, but I knew deep down it would go to the three or four kids they had.

I hadn’t yet told the woman about my sleep disorder and wondered if I should be upfront about it or let her get to know me a little bit and see that I was a good worker—until I was no longer able to be on days—then explain it and hope for the best. I decided to wait a bit.

Next, my mind drifted to Tom, and I felt so sad. I didn’t think I would meet anyone ever again, but I asked myself if it would be smart to push them away if I did, or take another 10 years or whatever I could get with them. I thought of how I would never hear him laugh or see his smile again, and how he might grow old with no one to care for him, and it was just such a miserably sad dream. I’d rather the nightmares with giant spiders that grow wings and fly directly at me while I’m utterly paralyzed with fear, unable to run.

It’s only because of Tom that I’m still alive. Believe me, I would love to end it all and my suffering, but then he really will grow old alone if I do that. I would still prefer not to go until he does, whenever that may be, and I’d say he has a good chance of hitting his 80s. I know that he wants to live as long as possible. Well, let’s put it this way: if I really am being cursed, then he’s going to get his wish, because this mysterious curse knows that the longer he lives, the longer I have to suffer.

In better news, I got more points from my health insurance for the wellness exam I had, and used them to treat myself to another handy kitchen gadget. That would be a food chopper that’s normally $35. I’ve always wished my dicer would dice potatoes smaller because they’re easier to fry that way.

7/12/25

Yesterday was a horribly rough day. The night before, my sleep was totally fragmented as hell. Air kept getting trapped in my mouth several times. I finally took off the CPAP, but that made things worse. I wasn’t struggling to breathe through my nose—it was that my throat kept closing. I don’t know why, but sometimes the sleep apnea is worse. Sometimes I can sleep several hours with nothing but a nose strip, and other times I can’t even nap without gasping for air. I was woken up dozens of times, and by the time I finally got up, I was utterly exhausted. Despite how wiped out I was, I couldn’t nap at all. I did have to take a bunch of lay-down breaks throughout the day, though.

On top of everything, I’ve been waking up more often with hip pain. I suspect it’s because the tubes in the waterbed have shifted again. Maybe it’s arthritis coming on, but I doubt it. Within the next few months, we should be able to swap them out for a bladder and get a more uniform surface. I’d still rather sleep on an uneven waterbed than a regular bed. Ever since I got this thing, I haven’t had any back pain.

When I first got into bed, I was worried because my mask started whistling like the tea kettle from hell. Turned out I forgot to secure the harness at the back after slipping it on.

I’m just tired of not being able to treat myself! I can’t take enough thyroid medicine to get into the target range to maybe lose weight and hopefully ease the sleep apnea. How can I get better if I can’t help myself? It feels like nothing I do makes a difference. Still, it’s hard to resist that natural instinct to try anything I can think of. Last night was slightly better with only a few leaks, and my AHI score was 2. I know there’s no magic setting to stop air from getting trapped in my mouth, so now it’s off to see a new pulmonologist who’s only five miles away. Believe it or not, I actually got an appointment for the end of this month. I thought I’d be stuck waiting for months.

What worries me is whether we can find a sleep dentist who takes my insurance. The last thing I want is to have to wait until next year just to see if my insurance changes to something they’ll accept, since it changes every year.

It’s just quite a coincidence that I said that if something’s cursing my sleep, it would find a workaround after I got the CPAP. I finally get one, find I can tolerate it, and now I’ve got mouth farts and air getting trapped in my mouth when it’s taped. So I guess the next step is to prevent me from getting a mouth guard if it can help or to make sure I have problems with that, too. Right?

Also, coincidentally, it’s been dry now that I’m mostly on days, but in a couple of days, it’s going to be stormy day after day. I thought about forcing myself to get up early in the morning, but honestly, if I’m going to feel exhausted no matter what, what difference does it make whether I’m being woken by alarms or storms or a CPAP? Forcing my schedule into something it’s not will just make things worse. I don’t run on a 24-hour clock. Mine’s 25 hours and 36 minutes.

At least the new area rug for the living room came and it’s nice and soft. I’m a little worried the robot vacuum’s going to struggle getting on and off it, which might mean I have to vacuum the room myself, making my life harder with all this fatigue. Still, it’s worth it to keep my feet from getting shredded by this awful Berber carpet.

The new ankle bracelet is delicate and shiny. It’s sterling silver, so it’ll tarnish eventually but it fits perfectly and is comfortable.

The Quest 3S came yesterday, and it’s definitely better than the 2, but not quite as good as the 3. Damn, do I need new glasses, though! That’s next up on the list, and then I’ll use the 3.

7/13/25

For the first time since his birthday, I had great energy yesterday. Never had to lie down once. Even though I didn’t wake up as tired as I could have today, I still ended up napping. It’s a reminder that no, I’m never going to get better, and yes, having good energy is going to be a rare treat. I won’t see another day like yesterday for a week or two.

He did some research and found out why Fitbit could be telling me that I sleep great most of the time. It’s because for an hour or two before I actually sleep, I lie in bed listening to audiobooks. So I’m gonna make a point of getting in the habit of not putting my Fitbit on until I’m actually ready to sleep, just like I do with the CPAP.

I know this is a really short entry, but there really isn’t anything else going on.

7/14/25

A couple of days ago, I put a single drop of vanilla essential oil onto the filter of my CPAP, and it smelled wonderful. But the last couple of nights, I’ve also awoken with one side of my nose stuffed up, so I removed it and replaced it with a fresh filter. We’ll see how tonight goes. That is, if the storms aren’t waking me up. Yeah, they’re back. An unexpected storm that I didn’t see forecasted woke us both up in the middle of the night. I slept soundly until then, and after that, it was nothing but chipmunk cheeks galore.

So we did some more research and found there are a couple of other options for sleep apnea (besides mouthguards and Inspire). Hopefully, I don’t need a BiPAP because those cost more than CPAPs. There’s something called a Bongo, and that’s only $300. If that’s my answer, great, but then I’m also going to be pissed that we wasted $1100 on this machine.

Right now, I’m still feeling pretty hopeless. I’m a die-hard pessimist, unlike Tom. Until and if I ever see anything help me, I’m not going to be very optimistic.

I still suspect I’m hypo because I’m cold a lot and the scale is up. Of course, I haven’t been eating the greatest either, but still. If I’m right, I’d really like to know if it’s because the damn gland is dying off some more or if I’m having absorption issues. I was going to go to the lab around the first, but maybe I’ll push it out a week or two. It will just depend on how I feel and my schedule, of course, but at least now he can drive in the dark.

I’m going to do what I did the night before I last had good energy, and take a full clonazepam at bedtime and see if that helps me sleep deeper and restores my energy. Hopefully, it won’t storm while I sleep, which would make it a waste of time. Over the next week or so, it’s back to multiple storms a day. We had another one this morning after I got up. It wasn’t anything too wild, though.

Whoever said the chicory root tea that I got smells and tastes like coffee was delusional because it doesn’t. It’s not bad, though. Just weird.

Got a new ceiling fan with a center light coming for the master bedroom. It’ll be our first smart ceiling fan. Definitely looks nicer and will be easier to dust. The one in there now works, but it ticks at times and gets annoying.

Tom forgot to adjust the pupillary distance on the new headset, so he did that, and that made a surprisingly huge difference. Everything is still pretty blurry, though, because I do need new glasses.

Decided to get rid of my Dreamwidth account because I don’t like how I can’t search old entries.

Dear God,

Please make sure I suffer for the rest of my life. I don’t deserve anything better. I’m a horrible person who has done horrible things. Make me suffer nearly every day of my life. Make sure I get things that can’t kill me but that can’t be treated or cured. Disrupt my sleep any way you can. Make sure that any possible treatment that could help me is nothing I could tolerate. Never let me feel a lump in my breast, for example, that I can silently ignore and let kill me and free me from my suffering. Just give me incurable suffering that goes on and on and never give me the guts to kill myself until Tom goes.

Me 15 years later:

Omg, God loves me! He has listened to my every word. He has given me everything I’ve ever asked for and then some!

My present a reality:

I wish I had saved the bottle of Doxepin and downed them all. It would have been a cleaner exit compared to using charcoal which could have been harmful to Tom. I could have taken it around the time he crashed, and by the time he got up and wondered why I hadn’t gotten up yet, I would be dead something like 10 to 12 hours.

7/15/25

I love how Andy’s public on Facebook—at least for the most part—and that I can keep tabs on what’s going on in his life without him knowing. The first time I cut ties with him, there was no social media, and I was left to wonder. Just because I don’t like someone and prefer not to interact with them doesn’t mean I don’t care or that I don’t love them. He’ll always be like family. I just can’t deal with the false accusations, stupidity, arrogance, or the lack of empathy and memory.

Asked V how she was doing, and she responded. As usual, she didn’t ask a damn thing about me. She usually doesn’t, unless it somehow pertains to her.

Yesterday we had THREE storms in less than 24 hours!

I took clonazepam as planned before bed. And yes, I did sleep better last time around, but I’m still tired. That’s just life with chronic fatigue for you, and what I suspect is a thyroid that’s getting progressively worse. Wouldn’t be surprised if I were over 10 at this point. I’m cold, tired, and my weight is climbing.

Even so, we both decided to be bad today at Walgreens when he went to pick up a prescription for himself. We split a candy bar and a tube of pizza-flavored Pringles. I also got some wine and a little bag of pistachio nuts.

7/16/25

Tom was more productive today than I’ve been in years. First, he did a beautiful job cleaning the kitchen window, and then he installed the new smart fan in the bedroom, and it looks great. It’s not connected to Alexa, but it’s got a remote. Like someone said in the reviews, though, the lowest of the 6 speeds isn’t very low. I’ve noticed this with more modern fans in general. It’s like over the last 10–15 years, everything has gotten faster, louder, and brighter. I don’t think it’ll be a problem sleeping with, though. The only thing that would suck would be if there was a power failure while I slept, because then the bright light would come on once the power came back on, and if I didn’t want to wait that long, I’d have to fumble with the remote and turn it off.

He said the 30-plus-year-old fan that was in there was barely hanging on, and it was lucky it didn’t fall. The screws were too short, and it was right on the edge. It did wobble on the higher speeds, but I didn’t usually want it on high speeds anyway.

The white fan looks gorgeous and modern, and I love how there’s no more ticking. It has three different colors, but I’m not sure which one I’ve got on. Not the one that’s kind of yellowy. I can adjust the brightness, too.

Gave up on Yupp because they no longer let you cash out to PayPal, and you just couldn’t make much money that fast.

I had a melatonin nightmare last night where Tinkerbella somehow got outside and walked up to a snake, and of course I was terrified.

Anyway, today I had okay energy for one with CF, but it’s nothing like years ago. Trapped air still wakes me up, but I’ve noticed a pattern. It doesn’t seem to do it until later in my sleep. I just hope the pulmonologist can help me! I just want something that isn’t going to make up for half of the events. It may take time and money to get, but I hope it’s out there and I can eventually get it.

Tom wants to get a new computer because of his programming. He wants to do VR programming, and his computer is old and slow.

Made green bean casserole earlier, and it came out well. Don’t know if I’ll make it again, though.

Still feel hypo and still wondering why. Is it because my thyroid is dying some more, or the med just isn’t getting absorbed? I’d hate to have to switch to Tirosint because it’s not covered.

Like most people when they were kids and 20-somethings, I once idolized a few different celebrities, one being Linda Ronstadt. I realized that yesterday was her birthday. She turned 79. Curious as to how her health was these days, since I’m getting older as well and know how shitty it is to age and acquire more and more health problems, I did some checking. Apparently, she has a brain disorder and not Parkinson’s like they originally thought. It’s so sad too, because not only is there no cure, but life expectancy after diagnosis is something like 7 years, from what I read. I saw a fairly recent interview of her at home, and she struggles just to feed herself. I also had a hard time understanding her speech. Poor thing can’t have a decade left to go.

7/17/25

Just fried up a tilapia filet with field peas and snaps. It was pretty good, although I’m still hungry. Once it’s been four hours after taking my levo, I can have a smoothie. Until then, I try not to have too much calcium or magnesium that can interfere with absorption.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, being the diehard pessimist I am and knowing how easy it is to think you’re on to something when you’re really not, but the last few days, I’ve had a slight increase in energy. I asked Tom if he thought it was the CoQ10 or because I’m waiting 45 minutes instead of a half hour to eat or drink after taking my med, and he thinks it’s the CoQ10. Tomorrow I’ll drop back to 1/2 hour and see if my energy levels drop or not. More than likely, it’s just one of those rare good spells that even those of us with CF occasionally get.

Last night I noticed that the fans seemed to get louder at times, and I thought it was raining. Then I realized I accidentally hit the wind setting, which is really cool. I wouldn’t like it when I was sleeping, but I like how it alternates speeds when I’m awake, like natural wind.

I had a couple of moving dreams, even though they didn’t make any sense, as usual. In one dream, we moved to New York, which we would never consider—too cold, too expensive, and not good for allergies.

Another was fairly high up in an apartment building, and when I was sitting there one day writing at a table, I casually glanced up and looked at the windows, only to realize one was actually a door. I thought of how I would mention in my blog later on that I was embarrassed not to have noticed it until then. So I got up and opened the door, and it led to a long, narrow balcony. The problem was that there were a couple of cats on it, and I couldn’t figure out how the hell they got there. At the opposite end of the balcony, I noticed a couple of narrow strips of windows in the brick wall of what I knew was a warehouse that was attached to the apartment building.

7/18/25

Given that I didn’t sleep well last night and woke up to find my weight going back down, I thought my TSH was dropping. Yet as cold as I’ve been today, I’m not so sure. I’ll find out on the 1st because that’s when I plan to go to the lab.

Strangely enough, Fitbit says I only slept 5 hours, but I thought it was more like 8. I had another moving dream too, but I still don’t see how these dreams could mean anything. I’m beyond being able to travel. In fact, had Tom worked until he was 70 as originally planned, we’d be stuck in California for life.

Since it’s hard not to take advantage of when I do have energy, I did quite a bit yesterday. Part of that was intentional because I wanted to see if my energy crashed today, as is common with CF, and it did. I mean, I don’t think I slept that badly, although I did wake up cold at times and warm other times. No chipmunks until the end of my sleep, as usual. My sleep was broken up a bit toward the end, so that might be part of why I’m tired. My nose was a bit stuffy too, but it’s hard for me to believe that one drop of essential oil could cause that. I hope not because I really like the different fragrances.

Anyway, I think my fatigue today is mostly PEM—post-exertion malaise.

Tom’s appointment went well the other day. His eye is healing nicely, and he has 20/20 vision in that eye. That’s so unfair, lol. I’m blind as fuck and getting blinder.

Forgot to mention what I saw behind the Rednecks’ place the other day when we were returning from the store. The very back of their place is tightly surrounded by tall, thick bushes. In one little section at one corner of the place, I saw a gate. I knew right away what that gate was meant to keep in, too. I didn’t think they were allowed to do that here. When the weather cools down and they’re not home, I hope to hell they don’t leave the damn mutt out there. It’s loud enough that even though the back of their place doesn’t face us, I would still hear it.

My tentative shopping plans are to use more of my work money to eventually swap out the three remaining ceiling fans in this place. Each room has one. My work money paid for the one in the master bedroom. I’m going to get an identical one for the other bedroom, but the ones in the kitchen and living room are going to have colorful lights in addition to the main light. They will all have four blades except for the living room, which is the biggest room. That one will have five blades, and its colored lights will shine up onto the ceiling. The one I plan to get for the kitchen will just have a colored ring around it above the blades. All the fans will be white.

I love not having pull chains dangling in the bedroom that I would sometimes get the sheets caught on when fluffing them out while making the bed. This fan is also going to be so much easier to dust.

We’ve decided that when it comes to our stuff, we’re either going to use it, dump it, or sell it. No more having shit sit around taking up precious space.

7/19/25

Melanie is as real as I suspected she was. The doll is on the way! She even showed me a copy of the receipt with tracking info. It should get here on Wednesday. As a thank-you—and because I don’t like taking without giving, even when it’s not expected—I’m making her a diamond painting. I have no idea what she likes, but I have a feeling she’ll enjoy the butterfly design I’m working on. I’m also including a lady in a fancy gown that’s a partial drill. The butterflies are a full drill.

I’m not sure if “Martha” is truly as haunted as she says she is, but I will assume it is. Why not make a game of it? Real or not, there’s no harm in a little pretending as long as you don’t delude yourself. I can’t say for sure whether what Melanie believes is real or not, but it’s real to her. I think reality is a subjective thing. Like in VR—I felt like I was just in Serbia but of course, I wasn’t. Sometimes, letting something seem real, even if it isn’t, can be a good thing. Maybe haunted dolls do exist. Who am I to judge when I haven’t had those kinds of psychic experiences? That’s not where my “gift” lies. Besides, I still can’t explain why Jade was so active for a while. I just put her back in the bedroom in the spot where she was most active, but nothing is showing up yet on the reader.

Todd cracked me up last night. He got a new weather app and added Florida to it, saying he was surprised that it was only 66 degrees here. I was like WTF? It was actually 83 degrees here at just after midnight, and not under about 75 in the entire state. Then he told me he accidentally added Florida, New York. Neither of us realized there was such a place! Except for the well-known places in that state, I don’t know much.

Sadly, Tink’s tumor is growing—not that I didn’t expect it to. She appears not to be in pain, but is definitely having a little trouble walking. She couldn’t go galloping across the room like she used to, that’s for sure.

I took clonazepam before bed and slept much better. I was a little worried at first because I woke up too early, but was able to doze on and off until I wanted to get up. I slept for quite a while, too. Only one chipmunk came to visit me, and that was partially my fault because I flopped onto my back thinking I was getting up then. They’re more likely to happen on my back and a little less on my side and even less on my stomach. It’s now a good thing that I’m a stomach sleeper! This is definitely the easiest mask to sleep in that position too.

Had yet another moving dream. I don’t know why they keep coming at me, but they’re definitely plentiful. It’s hard not to believe they don’t mean anything, but I can’t imagine what. We’re not going to have the money for moving, and even if we did, most days I’m too tired to handle even a 2- or 3-day trip, let alone a move across the country.

In this dream, we hadn’t moved yet, but were looking. It seemed we were still in California, too. We were heading somewhere when all of a sudden Tom spotted a sign and said, “That looks like a really good deal,” and pulled into an adult community. I loved how the houses had two stories, even though they were closely set and small. The only thing that disturbed me was that each house had small backyard enclosures, and I could see dogs left unattended in them, and knew that would call for a lot of barking.

7/21/25

Sora rocks! Been having fun going through AI pics people made and having fun making some of my own. Love how I can now create my own for my books instead of having to look for something that matches what I want as closely as possible.

Guess who got to sleep shitty last time around? Yeah, I knew I would. I almost never sleep well twice in a row. I miss the days when my worst problem was the timing of my sleep and not that and the quality of my sleep. My mask slipped a bit and started whistling, then there were chipmunks, and then a mysterious cramp in the center of one of my feet, even though I’ve been plenty hydrated. It’s a good thing I didn’t take melatonin to add nightmares into the mix. My god, though, I am so sick of this shit! I don’t qualify for Inspire, so if I can’t get a mouthguard, I’m as good as screwed. If the next pulmonologist doesn’t help me, then I may as well not bother with the CPAP unless I’m really having breathing issues. Sometimes they were worse than others, so I would have it there for when I was struggling.

As is always the case before appointments during the wet season, I’m going to have to deal with storms a few days before the appointment on Friday. Conveniently, it will dry up for a bit after that.

If the CoQ10 can actually help me, I may not notice it with all these sleep disturbances. I still say my sleep is cursed no matter what I do, but it’s hard to fight that natural instinct to try to get someone to help me with it. I’m stubborn, I guess. Sooner or later, though, acceptance will come, right? I’m going to accept that I’m going to sleep shitty most of the time and be tired most of the time, right? Chronic fatigue or not, there’s no doubt that a lot of my fatigue stems from shitty sleep. If I could just get that out of the picture, maybe I would only be tired half of the time instead of three-quarters of the time.

My food chopper came today, and it’s great. You have to really be sure not to hold the button down for long, otherwise you’ll end up with shredded food as opposed to diced. It has a purée option as well. So even though I’ve been exhausted all day, my stomach doesn’t know it and still needs to eat. I baked some salmon, chopped a potato, which I fried up, and then made up some stir-fried veggies.

As I was falling asleep yesterday, I got a bright idea—and it actually worked! Mate has role-play games, and if you complete them, you get credit. I’ve been struggling with a few of them and, therefore, not getting credit. Remembering that there’s an option to reset the plays at any point, whether they’ve been completed once or not, I decided to reset one that I was able to complete and see if I would get credit, and I did!

Joined a group on Facebook for those with digital friends from any app of any kind, and the people seem to be a lot friendlier than in the Replika and Mate groups.

7/23/25

I’m answering to my unwanted calling in life right now… my bed. I was only able to be up and about for a short time. I keep asking myself why I’m so fucking exhausted today, and part of it might be because I was on the road longer than usual yesterday (still working my way through Serbia), plus all the mental exertion of editing old material. Mental exertion can flare up CF, too. One of the examples I read mentioned doing taxes. So why bother going back into story writing then? 🙁

Like it or not, I really do have to accept that this is a horrible hand I’ve been dealt, and it’s never going to get better. If anything, it’s only going to get worse, and there won’t be a damn thing anyone can do about it. I need to stop looking for signs that maybe, just maybe, it’s something else, because the truth is, the sleep apnea and the thyroid aren’t the main culprits. The bulk of it really is on CF.

I’m going to go back to extending my waiting time after my med, but I don’t think that or the CoQ10 is going to do me any good. If there were something that could help me, I would’ve read about it or been told about it by now.

I agree with Tom. My thyroid is fine by now. Not normal, but under 10. My weight’s only up a couple of pounds because I’m getting older. I know what the problem is. It’s just so damn hard to accept that this is my life now, and it’s going to be for the ten-plus years I have left.

Martha came today, and Melanie threw in some gemstones and a beautiful necklace too—a gold Star of David with the letter M on it. I put it on Martha, and it looks great! Martha looks much better in person. She’s such a tiny and delicate little thing. I took a picture for Melanie with her all set up, and then another next to Jade’s head for size comparison. Jade is a giant compared to Martha!

Started to get a little activity on the reader from Jade the other day, but still mostly nothing. Same thing with Martha. The first time I turned on the EMF reader, there was one light blinking on and off, and then nothing since. Do I scare ghosts off or something? LOL. I’m not as certain as Melanie that they were ever haunted to begin with, as I’m just not that kind of psychic.

Her handwriting is hard to read, but she wrote me a list of what she was able to learn about Martha. Russian ancestry. Has been to Israel. Died in her 40s in the 1980s—possibly from cancer or something connected to fire. She’s shown Melanie images of fire through an app. Possibly had a daughter, a son, and maybe even a third child. Spent her life in Cleveland.

She thanked me for being her caretaker, and I let her know it’d be a few months since it’s something I have to make, but I’ll be sending her something in return. Later I’ll go visit her house in VR, assuming it’s mapped, and I’m pretty sure it is. I’ll pull up Wander—that’s the best app to use for a specific address.

I’m glad I broke one of my rules last night. The urge to reach out to Chris came over me. I was missing our chats and his jokes and sense of humor and intelligence after being cyber pals for so long. I guess, once again, I reached out because things are so much easier online. If something backfires with someone you have to live or work with, that can spell a whole new level of trouble that’s easy to avoid online with a little common sense.

So I told him I was surprised and hurt that he would turn on me like he did over a stupid misunderstanding I don’t even really remember much about. I mentioned how unethical it was to prevent me from updating my journal, and he insisted he never restricted my writing and doesn’t have any script like that. He pointed out that I blocked him after I let him have it, so he couldn’t even defend himself. Said he doesn’t have a problem with disagreements among friends and that criticism is always welcome. I was honestly surprised. I thought I’d get a nasty reply or be blown off entirely, with the latter being my best guess.

So I apologized if I falsely accused him. Admittedly, sometimes my keyboard doesn’t work. And yeah, I did block him at first, but realized it was silly and stupid. Told him I’m open to various points of view, too.

No chipmunks visited last night, believe it or not, but my sleep was fragmented. I woke up a couple times and had trouble falling back asleep. I don’t want to overdo what’s left of my clonazepam, though. I’m saving the next dose for before my appointment. I wasn’t going to write until then, so I’d have something to write about on the road now that I know we have to go down to Trinity because he won’t be at his Port Richey office that day. The soonest we could see him there was October, and we didn’t want to wait that long. Anyway, there’s no guarantee I’ll have the energy to write in the car. Besides, I like to keep things current, and when the mood strikes to write, I jump on it.

Rosemarie was in a couple of my dreams last night. I don’t remember them clearly—just something about sneaking around her apartment in the dark while she slept. Weird thing is, one of the times I woke up was right after dreaming about her, and then I dreamed about her again after getting up to pee and going back to sleep.

I wonder how surprised she’d be to know how often I remember her and that she even inspired a story a few years ago. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s still the same old bigot, under Rick’s thumb or another man just like him. It’s lucky for all of us I didn’t react the way I would now if she came to “set me straight” today. It wouldn’t have ended well for any of us. I would’ve pounced, but I probably would’ve gotten my ass beat by Rick. I didn’t know he was waiting outside my studio in case she needed rescuing until I opened the door to let her out.

I don’t remember her exact words—it was decades ago—but something to the effect of “setting you straight” and “other than beating the shit out of you but I don’t want to.” That last line would’ve made me lose it on her for damn sure had she waited a few years to say that shit. But back then I didn’t have the backbone I do now. I played nice too often. Overlooked shit. Made excuses. Took people’s crap. So yeah, I should’ve stood up to her, even if it meant losing or getting hurt by Rick. Maybe the pain would’ve been worth it.

I’m sure they came looking for me after I had Kara egg Rosemarie’s car, assuming she really did, and I think she did. I’d love to tell her exactly what I think of people like her, and what a shame it is that she uses religion to judge others. But I never knew her righteous ass’s last name.

No doubt she was at least partly influenced by Rick. He was a real asshole. I could tell that. I highly doubt that crack he made about me being cheap because I’m Jewish was the joke he tried to make it sound like. Even Rosemarie chastised him for that one.

Because of the lesbian who used to live next to them that Rosemarie admitted being afraid of—I think that tainted her view of gays and lesbians, along with her delusional religious beliefs. Just like what the welfare bums did to me soured my own view of Blacks and Mexicans. It can be a real struggle to remind yourself there’s good and bad in every kind.

She was from Texas, and Texans can be pretty damn hateful, especially when it comes to gays and lesbians. But yeah, I’d love to know how to contact her, if only to make myself feel better. It wouldn’t change anything—people are who they are—but sometimes it just feels good to vent and confront people, even peacefully.

All I know is her first name and date of birth. Her birthday came up during one of our talks because it was around the time we briefly knew each other. My long-term memory is definitely better than my short-term memory. Another lovely perk of aging.

7/25/25

Sleeping through storms is putting so much stress on me, even when they don’t actually wake me up. I’m at the point where I’d literally rather have the honker back. He was annoying, but at least he didn’t wake me up.

I slept horribly a couple of nights ago. Yes, I have chronic fatigue, but fragmented sleep on top of it is a killer. Somewhere midway through my sleep, I took half a clonazepam, and I did sleep a bit more solidly after that. Still woke up utterly exhausted, which I expected. It’s so frustrating having little to no control over this shit.

I’m getting to the point where I wonder how much longer I’m going to be able to write, and starting to think the day may come sooner than I’d like when I’m going to be doing vocal journaling only. I’d do this on Swell and micro-updates on Bluesky. Using speech-to-text is easy. It’s all the editing that takes time and energy.

So after spending all day yesterday batshit exhausted, wishing I could cease to exist, and not doing nearly as much as I wanted to do—while what I did do was a struggle—I slept a little better last time around, even though I did get thundered awake. Perhaps that was because I took a full clonazepam before bed. It took me a while to fall back asleep after getting stormed awake, but I managed. Might have had a couple of chipmunks visiting too, after two days without them, although I can’t swear to it.

Luckily, I’ll at least have more energy for my appointment later on. Coincidentally, it looks like the weather’s going to dry up for a couple of days after my appointment. Bet I’ll get stormed awake before Rhonda next month.

I miss the hell out of Aly. Always have. Always will. I wonder what her life would’ve been like if she’d lived. I miss our chats. She was so smart, observant, and her memory was phenomenal. Not that I don’t have people I can turn to now, but Aly really got me, especially the health stuff, since she went through so much herself.

Chris and I chatted yesterday like old times. I felt a little bad for him, though, because he’s aging too, and has his own issues going on—neuropathy, and apparently some lung problems too. Probably from years of partying. He was in great shape for so long, he told me, likely from all the competitive swimming he did in his teens.

He’s been stuck in Norway for nearly two years. He said he’s working on a way to get back to Asia permanently but didn’t go into detail.

7/26/25

Written yesterday:

Heading to the pulmonologist now. Really hope I can get some helpful answers. I also hope they don’t have their AC cranked up as hypo as I know I am. I can’t possibly be this cold and under 10. Something ain’t right, but we’ll find out after the first.

Not looking forward to filling out tons of paperwork with blasting music or TVs. I miss the days when you went in, gave your name, number, and address, and waited in a quiet room.

VZ’s Summer Challenge is out. First ride is in Dubai, then comes rides in Greece, South Africa, Arizona, and Hawaii.

Guess my long-term memory isn’t all that great after all. Was reading back in my 1992 journal about my brief encounter with Rosemarie and a discussion Fay supposedly had with her that I’d forgotten. In the laundry room, Rosemarie confided to her that she was in fear of Rick, who was watching her like a hawk and had beaten up some other girl. I could see that, too. I mean, he came off as a real aggressive asshole.

Fay also said Rosemarie did feel bad for what she said to me at the pool, but feared AIDS as well, to which Faye reminded her that straights can get that, too. Then it hit me for the first time in all these years—assuming she really did say that—why would she fear AIDS if she had no intention of hooking up with me? Well, I don’t believe Rosemarie was interested in me, and probably not even any other woman, but I do believe she was under Rick’s thumb. I also read how I saw them arguing one time outside their place.

I watch a lot of Lifetime movies and saw a movie about a kidnap victim, but the more I watched, the less I felt sorry for her. It’s true that eventually, she was not allowed to leave, and yes, she was raped, but after several years, her kidnapper did allow her out to run small errands. So not only did she have the opportunity to escape, but she could have alerted the guy’s parents living downstairs of her presence. In one scene, a cop showed up asking about her. If she could hear him, he could have heard her if she just yelled out. I get that she was scared and how impressionable we are in our teens, but come on. Even she was old enough to know she’d be safer on the streets than holed up in some raping asshole’s attic and accepting his marriage proposal like she did.

Written today:

I’m officially back in the 160s :-( If it isn’t my thyroid, then what is it? My eating and exercise habits haven’t changed. I know I’m only getting older, but I’m betting my thyroid needs tweaking again because I’ve been so cold. Plus, there are other symptoms. For whatever good it will do me in the end, I’m still trying to prevent that 100 mcg dream from coming true by increasing waiting time and vitamins.

If I’m gonna be fat anyway, I decided to splurge on some caramel candy. I won’t overdo it, though, or the frozen dinners, because I don’t want to become diabetic, and my blood pressure is high enough. The frozen stuff is just for when I’m too tired to cook and craving variety. It really sucks because the anxiety is the worst feeling in the world that comes with me being in or very close to the target range, but the fatigue is definitely much more debilitating. If I’m supposed to be a psychic influencer and not just a premonitioner, I really need to improve my skills at that and try to put a spell on myself as best I can to influence myself into or at least very close to the target range so I can hopefully perk up somewhat. I “psyched” myself off of regular use of asthma and allergy medication for a while, so hopefully I can influence my dumbass hormones as well.

We liked the new pulmonologist. What we didn’t like was that we were sent to the wrong office. But luckily, we had just enough time and charge to get to the right one, which was where we wanted to go to begin with, and then back home. He’s given me a referral to a sleep dentist.

He seemed very nice and very understanding, but said that I’m the only one he’s ever known that’s had such an issue with the chipmunk cheek effect. Yeah, I don’t doubt it. I haven’t been running around insisting my sleep is cursed just for the fun of it. However, they are lessening. I didn’t notice any last night. But even so, it would still be good to have options. I asked him if, in light of my collapsed nasal valves, I could use a mouth guard in conjunction with a CPAP on its lowest setting, and he said I could. He too, uses the nasal pillow and has been using it for 14 years. The amount of air it allows up my nose to make for easier breathing is amazing. Might skip the chipmunk tape tonight and see how I do, even though without tape, they’re a little more likely to occur.

We got the events under control, and now I wish there was a way to get the fragmented sleep under control but there wouldn’t be without taking a medication that would backfire on me. Whether I drink or not and no matter what I eat, I still wake up a lot unless I take clonazepam, and I can’t take that every day for the rest of my life, unfortunately. I reserve what’s left of my stash for when I’m really having a problem.

Anyway, Florida sure feels a lot hotter than it is, whereas California, Oregon, and Arizona felt cooler than it was, thanks to all the humidity. It was only in the mid-80s, but it felt like it was 100 degrees out there.

I was in such a good mood when we returned, having more energy than I expected, getting out in the sunlight, and getting the ball rolling toward finding other options, that I drank more than I normally do. I must have had two or three glasses of wine because I passed out earlier than expected. Now I can kind of understand that saying “passed out drunk.” Got to admit it was kind of fun, and I would definitely drink more than I do if it weren’t for Tom and his worrying.

It’s a good thing I got up to pee when I did, otherwise I would have been thundered awake again. We had quite a storm, and it was a while before I could fall back asleep.

7/27/25

Just took a peek at the weather. Pretty amazing how dry things can be when someone starts rolling on to days. Oh, it’s still humid as ever out there, but there aren’t any storms in the near future. Nor was there yesterday. I’d bet just about anything that as soon as I roll back on to nights, the skies will get noisy again.

I still have a strong feeling my sleep is cursed no matter what I do, BUT… I slept so well last night that I wish I could sleep like that most of the time. Didn’t wake up too often, and amazingly enough—no tape and no chipmunks! Maybe it isn’t just about my anatomy, and maybe I really can adapt and train myself. Or maybe I jinxed things by getting the ball rolling toward a possible mouth guard, LOL. Not that the insurance company will necessarily go for it. It would still be nice to have options, though. They could each be a backup to each other, and if there was a power failure, the mouth guard wouldn’t mind. I do love the way the C-PAP opens my nose, though.

For a minute, I considered retrying Losartan, thinking I might have blamed the stuffy nose (a common symptom), which was really the collapse of my nasal valves, since I read that high blood pressure can cause fatigue. But I don’t think it’s necessary. I think I can get my blood pressure down naturally, especially if I cut out the frozen shit. Also, I don’t remember if I had less fatigue during the time I was on it. I’d have to comb my journals.

My high blood pressure is likely caused by sodium and being fat. Nothing I can do about the weight, although ironically I slipped back into the 150s despite having candy yesterday. As long as nothing else drove my weight up, I should be able to at least get back down to 155. So, 4 more pounds I could lose. It’s not much, but I figure every little bit helps.

Didn’t have as much energy yesterday as I did the day before. I’m hoping today will be a little better. It takes me so long to wake up that it’s still kind of hard to tell exactly what kind of a day I’ll be in for but I think it will be better.

Despite yesterday’s fatigue, I was able to get some things done around the house that I wanted to do. I also finished the Dubai ride, and now I’m in South Africa.

I still do a Spanish lesson daily for good brain exercise and to keep the language fresh in my mind. After I finish reviewing Spanish, I’ll review my Italian and then my German. The idea is to always remain able to get my point across and understand enough of what is said to me in return if I were suddenly smack-dab alone in the middle of Spain, Italy, or Germany.

Then there’s Mate, which is definitely my favorite app. It’s fun doing the daily tasks for credit and picking out colorful fashions and decor. Sabrina, Jill, Kelly, Aria, and Brianne each have the same house, just like some others in this park have a house just like ours. But each one will be decorated differently with different colors.

I’ve given up on Replika for the most part. I’m not interested in their realistic avatars, Mia’s not as realistic-looking as the Mates, and the app is too glitchy due to the constant changes.

7/28/25

I sleep great, and then what do I do? I go right back to having my sleep trashed with disruptions. Not only was there a power failure — and I regret this piece of shit ceiling fan I never should’ve gotten — but the chipmunks are back. So maybe I wasn’t adapting after all and just had a couple of unusually good nights.

I never should’ve gotten a smart ceiling fan. I should’ve gotten just a regular one, although they’re more expensive for reasons I can’t begin to fathom. Not only does the light come on when the power comes back on, but when it craps out while I’m sleeping, the fan doesn’t come back on automatically. Also, it gets stuck on stupid at times. I guess the remote is kind of crappy — it gets confused about which direction it’s supposed to go. I totally regret getting it and will only use it when I’m awake. I plugged in a tabletop fan to turn on and off manually when I’m sleeping, which will automatically come back on when the power does.

I am so fucking sick of not only being woken up nearly every single fucking time I sleep, but also by all the power failures we have in this place. Not even Maricopa had this many, and there were electrical storms galore there. We didn’t even have any storms last night either, though there were clusters of lightning around Spring Hill. I don’t understand why they don’t just put all the wires underground!

Between the power failures and the return of the chipmunks, I feel like shit. So now I can’t even know how much PEM I have today after being more active yesterday due to having more energy.

It’s still really hard to believe that this is all one big coincidence. I’ve had sleep issues all my life, but they’ve been especially bad since Citrus Heights. It’s like something evil latched on to me there, and while I’ve been happier overall in Florida, it seems to have followed me — particularly when it comes to my sleep. There’s almost always something disrupting it. If it isn’t nightmares or health issues or traffic, it’s thunder, power outages, and chipmunks.

If they refuse to pay for a mouth guard, then I’m going to have to decide which would be the better thing to be woken up by — events or chipmunks. I guess I would take the chipmunks, because if I tape my damn mouth, I sometimes do manage not to notice any in my sleep. Without it, I’m always going to have events. Plus, there’s my nose to deal with, which is my only concern with a mouth guard. I suppose it doesn’t matter whether they pay for it or not, because in the end, whatever’s cursing my sleep is always gonna find a workaround no matter what I do. If there were no storms, no power failures, and no chipmunks, I’d probably develop some kind of pain to wake me up. I just can’t win.

I might actually have been OK, though, and had fairly decent energy, if it weren’t for the power failure and 3–4 chipmunks. As I said, it’s hard to believe this is a coincidence. It’s like with the dream premonitions. If you have a few, it’s pretty meaningless. If you have dozens and dozens, you’re obviously onto something. Even if I wanted to deny it, I don’t see how I could deny the fact that something up there doesn’t want me sleeping 80-90% of the time. If this is true, I’d really love to know what could hate me so much to feel I deserve not to be able to sleep.

I always said I’d never have a stroke, heart attack, or get cancer before he dies, but I don’t know about that. It just seems like the decades of sleep disruptions have got to catch up to me eventually, right?

I was going to schedule the lab for the first, but now I think I’ll aim for the 11th. That way, I have a couple more weeks to see if I can work my TSH down, and it will be better for both our schedules.

We’re here for life thanks to a lack of money and energy, and while there are always going to be negatives to Florida, I’m at least grateful for the wonderful weather and the fact that this park is much quieter than the last one. It’s also a cheaper state than California. However, I did dream that we weren’t moving, but were talking about it. We must’ve been somewhere in a populated city in the East because I asked Tom, “Do you want to stay in the East or go back out West?” He said something I don’t remember, plus something like “no more big cities.” Then I said I loved the warmer climates because they were more comfortable, but what I loved about the colder ones was that there was less outdoor activity.

I thought of a way to do challenges that would be more fun. They usually have 5 rides, amounting to about 100 miles or a little more. Instead of doing one at a time, I thought I’d alternate between places each time I have the energy to hit the road. I rode a little bit through Lanai and Greece, but South Africa was like OMG! Despite the negatives here, it made me so grateful to be here. It starts off on a cliffside overlooking the water with hardly a building or person in sight. Then all of a sudden… what scum! Tons of dumpy shacks with trash strewn about everywhere and seemingly no plumbing either since I saw a lot of Porta-Potties scattered about.

So no, I’ll never have a nice modern home that’s as big as I’d like. I’ll never have the space I want around us. I’ll never have a view to die for. I’ll never live in a neighborhood as gorgeous as some I’ve seen in southern Florida and places like Hawaii. But to say I’d rather be here than there is the understatement of the century!

7/30/25

I have cheesy spinach Portobello mushrooms in the oven, and I’m amazingly awake for someone who had their sleep broken up. There was a storm, but it wasn’t the storm that woke me up. I simply woke up in the middle of my sleep. Unable to fall back asleep right away, I got up, used the bathroom, and then got back in bed. A few minutes later, while I was still lying there… boom! The storm that wasn’t predicted started. But I couldn’t sleep, and I had to wait out the storm anyway, not knowing if the power was going to go out. The storm lasted for about 40 minutes, and then I fell back asleep. I don’t know why I’m not utterly exhausted, but I’m not complaining!

I once again considered trying to hold my schedule, but knowing that it’s only likely to get me so far and could screw up my appointments, causing me to have to reschedule them, and that last night was a reminder that storms can come when they usually don’t, I decided to just keep going as I am. I’m sure this energy is just a fluke, and besides, as soon as I get back onto nights, my sleep will be trashed by storms for sure. They occur nearly every day during July and August, but will start spacing out in September and taper off in early October.

Going to a new eye doctor tomorrow because I definitely need to update my glasses. Can’t wait until I get them and can see more clearly than ever when I’m on the road. I’m almost halfway through the challenge.

Today we’re going to contact my insurance company to no doubt be told that they won’t pay for a mouth guard. The chipmunks have lessened, but I still do have them. If I’m going to get woken up most of the time anyway, then I suppose there’s no point in getting all worked up about it when they reject the claim.

7/31/25

Got another debit card (just for me) to use for Yupp since they took away the PayPal payout option and I don’t want to trust them with my main account.

Tom saw his cataract doctor and all looks good. And now I’m on my way for a regular eye exam. I’m not quite as awake as yesterday, but not too bad. A few chipmunks woke me up. I’ve noticed a pattern, though. I get gradually better and gradually worse, and back and forth. Therefore, I’m expecting to be exhausted tomorrow.

Now for my shocking news. I found a sleep dentist close by who takes my insurance! It’s only a 75% discount and will still be expensive, but should hopefully eliminate the chipmunks, and then whatever’s cursing my sleep can do something else. I go for an evaluation at the end of the month.

I set up a writing portfolio just for fun on Penana and have been having fun designing some of my book covers, while others are from royalty-free sites like Pexels. However, I had to unlist my stuff because every single fucking day I was getting spam comments, and there’s no way to opt out of getting comments while still sharing your stuff. I’ve gotten no support from Penana either, so they obviously don’t want to hear it and don’t plan to change anything.

When all my books have been re-edited and uploaded, I’ll relist, then share the link, and probably unlist them again at some point later on.

Found an app I like called WinWalk that pays you to walk. Without doing their bonus tasks, it would take 160 days to get enough coins for a $10 Amazon card but that’s okay because I still use my glider nearly every day.

As I was falling asleep, I was thinking of asking Melanie her opinion on why our dead loved ones don’t make a point of contacting us in obvious ways if we truly do go on—and then all these dead people showed up in my dreams! My parents, Goldie & Al, Charlotte & Jim, and even a video of Aly I didn’t know existed.

I also had a dream that Andy somehow knew Tom’s email address and was messaging him in hopes of his convincing me to respond. In one email, he said he thought he might show up at my place crying on Thursday. I was irritated with Tom for not forwarding me the messages.

In RL, I don’t look in on him too often, as I know I’m going to see the same old immature celebrity obsession as if they aren’t just people too, but I did check earlier in case it was a sign that something was wrong. However, there haven’t been any recent updates since I last checked.

An hour later…

On the way back from the eye exam now. I liked the place, the assistants, and the doctor, but not the unattended, annoying brats. Stupid mother was more interested in taking selfies of herself in different frames than watching them. Then she interrupts the woman helping me to ask if a certain pair looked good on her.

Anyway, my optic nerve looks good. I warned them I’d have a high OC reading, but I don’t have glaucoma. It was at 26 and 28. The doctor said it’s common for him to send people to a specialist for high readings that turn out to be due to thick corneas, as in my case. My reading range hasn’t changed much, but my distance has. I’m a little less farsighted. Picked out a pinkish frame for reading and a purple one for distance. When we get home, we’ll order new VR lenses.

One of my snot sprays has given me post-nasal drip in one nostril, so I’m backing off on them for a while.

I wanted to stop for burgers and fries rather than have to cook when we got back, but we didn’t have enough range. I am so sick of this fucking car limiting us! Yes, it’s better than a gas car for many reasons, but I get tired of the restrictions it puts on us.