How does my body feel today?
Physically- I am sore, leftover from the intensive weeding I did. It put my body back a little in it’s progress. My right hip is sore in a different spot than usual, higher up on the top crest. The muscles along my spine on the left side are sore as well.
Emotionally- I feel sad and tender. Today I learned that my little River has been diagnosed with focal epilepsy. It makes me feel a deep grief. Maybe I even feel guilty? I feel full in my chest, down to the top of my stomach and up to the bottom of my throat.
What’s been filling my mind lately?
Just recently, as of this morning, River’s diagnosis. But more long term, I have been thinking about how fear keeps me from making the kinds of deep connections I want to have with people. I fear being vulnerable, I fear sharing myself, I fear being open and starting conversations, sharing my problems, asking for help, telling people I need help. I have been thinking about how much grief I carry and how i was never able to process it.
For day-to-day stuff, my mind has been focused on the list of things I’d like to do around the house, figuring out how to organize, cleaning, sprucing up the outside patio so I can make it a livable space. Getting ready for our big trip to Croatia and Slovenia and all that is entailed therein.
What do I need to release?
The identity that sadness and grief are a big part of who I was/who I am. Fear. Just fear in general. The idea that my brain is broken. The difficulties that i have with communication. My attachment struggles. My connection and care about how I look and how aging is changing my body.
What do I want more of?
Sexual/sensual connection, deeply felt emotional and physical. Maybe even physical sometimes! More loving connection with this life. More quiet time, undistracted by my phone or keeping busy. More time in nature by myself. More quality time with River, just being joyous and child-like. More time in the garden. More time cooking. More watching the clouds & trees move and listening to the chimes. More dancing and music that touches my soul and makes me cry.
What are my intentions? Who am i without fear?
I am a conduit for love and joy. I can access the love and joy and share it with others. I am a beacon of light in the lives of my loves and in the lives of people I meet. I can feel all my emotions, including difficult ones, and can let them pass through me and help me be. Me.
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