I am no one...I am nothing...just half a man doing his best to look like a whole one. It's the way I've felt for I dunno how long. 20 some years, I suppose. I fail at more things than I finish and my life hasn't been the meteor I wanted it to be.
But sometimes I'm really good at looking as if I am whole, as if I'm someone who could give you what you need. Some fancy shadow work here, some mirror tricks here and it's easy to fool anyone not looking too closely. Suddenly one might think that I can be relied on, that I could be loved, and that I could be someone you could really spend time with. And, generally, I'm ok navigating this superficiality. No one really gets in and I'm safe with my scars. I was okay with that.
And when people would tell me that they loved me, that I deserved good things, that they were into me, or whatever? I never believe them. Not ever.
And then about 8 months ago I just got tired of it. I didn't want to keep the right people far away and the wrong people close. I wanted to try opening up myself more. I still don't think that I can really offer somebody what they need but that's a work in progress because it's only been within the last 2 months that someone has been able to get close enough to bring some light into those shadows and to see a little behind the mirror.
Sometimes it feels like I'm still playing tricks to make it seem like I'm more than I am. She deserves so much after having been given so little from the ones she's chosen to love... But she asks for the ugly and when I give it to her, she asks about it and spends time in it. And that takes some getting used to
What she gives me, it's been a really long time since I've gotten it from somebody else... But for her, it never seems enough. I tried but there's always things in the back of my head.. this could be better for her... Does she know that I'll never be able to do this particular thing..Does she know that I can't fuck like normal... I can't change a tire for her (although even if I physically could I probably still wouldn't be able to. Cars are terrible) ... I know there are things that I do, and the things that she loves that I do for her I will do them as well as I can do them for as long as I can do them. But there's just so much that is missing that it's difficult for me to understand how a person can choose less...choose me.
I know this is all in my head but it has to be real at some level right? I wish I could just get over this and accept that I am enough the way that I am. I feel like this is my last big hang up and if I could let it go, I'd be so much further ahead.
I know the tone of this sounds pretty gloomy, but I swear I'm pretty fucking happy right now. It's just this thing that keeps fucking popping up in my head.
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