Hey, Friend
Sorry I haven't written, the last few months have been have been a whirlwind of failures, successes, and unexpected events. I hope you've been well. I saw your mother the other day but she never says much when I see her.
Lets start with the bullshit before I get to what I want to talk about. We tried to incorporate the company again but it failed almost quicker than it started and I think I'm finally done with this place. I didn't drive this effort nor did I want to but I still got the blame for how abysmally it was organized because they still needed someone to front it, pretty face and all. Anyway, the dream of incorporation should die now and if it doesn't there's no way I'm going to be involved with it. The only thing I have left to do is resign before I go back to school in August
Which is something else that's happening that's kind of unexpected and I don't really think I would be doing it without B's encouragement. I mean, I've always wanted to finish my MBA but I'm getting a little long in the tooth, ya know? Anyway, that starts in August so I'll be done with all the building stuff probably by mid-July. I'm so tired of all these fucking assholes.
Anyway, do you remember when we were younger when our siblings had moved away, you weren't talking to your parents and mine were just doing their own thing? Do you remember that longing, that search for what we inevitably called "home"? Just a place to be ourselves, where we didn't need anyone's approval, we didn't need anyone but each other,... We had it for like a hot second and then you set off on your Grand adventure. And I've been searching for home ever since
I didn't really expect to find what I was looking for, friend, not a chance. I was adrift, alone and hopeless, when out of nowhere she stepped softly out of the storm I felt myself in. She was warm, calm, and cautious. She offered safe harbour from the wind and rain and she felt safe. I know it's hasn't been very long but I think I've found what I was looking for and I know she's going to be around for a long while.
I remember the first time we hugged, the first moment we met, at first I was tense but the minute I touched her it seemed like I fell completely into her and everything else just melted away. I haven't wanted to let go since. It felt ...it felt like I was home. And this theme of home keeps coming up between us. Every time we experience something new or difficult or whatever, it never feels wrong or awkward. It feels natural and right and like it should have been there all along. It feels like home, man. It's felt like I've known her for 5 minutes while also knowing her for years.
Needless to say, I've felt compelled to not be an asshole and keep things from her that I should really be sharing. I know I've been accused of being avoidant and aloof sometimes but I initially wanted to understand her and the pain I sensed from her. I felt the only way to do that was to open myself up to her in hopes that she'd do the same. And it was hard and terrifying and it's a work in progress but I do it and she does it. And a funny thing happened. With every new revelation, she just kept asking for more and I could feel her love seep into my soul and it wasn't scary anymore. And now she knows everything, every damn thing and the stress of carrying it myself doesn't exist. And I don't remember the last time I felt that way, if ever.
We are weird and off color and intense and fucking ridiculous but when I'm with her things are simple, things hurt less, and I feel like I belong. And when we're apart, I'm just holding my breath until I'm with her again.
What I mean to say is, I am home with her and she is home with me.
S.
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