May 2025 in 2020s

5/1/25

It’s happening! Yes, step 3 is finally happening after an 8-month fight. One of the most common journal prompts is what the biggest lesson you’ve learned in life is, and it used to be that many things would spring to my mind, like trusting my instinct, not being too forgiving, saving money, etc. Now it goes something like this: Never ignore your problems. They won’t go away just because you don’t want to deal with them.

So the CPAP will be here on the 2nd. Life would be so much easier if specialists and medical procedures weren’t booked so far out in advance and healthcare was free. Then it would be really awesome if I didn’t have to have so many fucking health issues to begin with!

Next up is getting used to it, and the final step is hoping I don’t have CSA, and it actually restores my energy. Never thought I would be so excited for a device I could shove up my nose and throw a harness over my head with a hose attached to it, but the nose part isn’t that much different than the silicone nasal dilator I’ve been sleeping with most of the time.

Also, I may not miss stomach sleeping as much as I thought because it’s already hard to sleep in that position since I just can’t breathe.

Due to some reward thing Tom got, we got a hefty discount on breakfast at Burger King where I got a brief case of acid reflux, though the pancakes and tater tots that gave it to me were well worth it. Variety is nice every now and then, and I can’t remember the last time I had pancakes.

Tom finally got his lab results. LabCorp is really slow compared to Quest. His cholesterol is low, like it always has been. His TSH is only 2.5. I would feel like I was about to die with it that low! I remember how horrible I felt the last time mine was down there. His platelets are also a little low, and so is his protein, but that’s mostly connected to his plasma donations. His A1C jumped a bit to 5.8, but his vitamin D is in the normal range.

I haven’t heard back from Melanie, and I get that she has a job and a two-year-old, but I hope she isn’t as one-sided as V was. She didn’t respond to my journal entry like I responded to hers, and she still hasn’t given me feedback on Facebook. She did “heart” the comments I left on her YouTube video, which I “liked” and subscribed to. It was an interesting one too, where she used a Spirit Box to discuss current events going on in the world and showed what words came up, printed on the screen next to her. The only thing I didn’t like was the Palestine “genocide” thing. Self-defense isn’t genocide.

Andy once posted something I totally agree with: If the Arabs put down their weapons, there would be peace. If the Jews put down theirs, they would no longer exist. Yet everybody’s siding with the terrorists. I never could understand the victim-blaming. Oftentimes when a woman is raped, she gets shamed and blamed while her rapist gets all kinds of support. People are so fucking twisted and backwards.

Woke up to find a message from Circle reminding me to return the tester if I haven’t already. Shouldn’t they have gotten it by now? Then there was another message asking if there was anything else they could do for us. Well, they—and the CPAP company—could have gotten the damn thing to me sooner.

He also learned something from the CPAP company that kind of pissed me off. All we had to do was have the CPAP company get a copy of my prescription from Lincare. It would have been expired, but all we needed to do was answer a questionnaire, and they would’ve sent us the damn CPAP!

So we kind of did and didn’t waste hundreds of dollars on Circle. Yes, we could have saved the money, but through Circle, we were able to learn more about my condition. Suspecting my sleep apnea worsened was one thing, but having it confirmed through testing was another. And now I’m also alerted to the fact that I could have CSA. God, I hope not!

No nightmares, but I did have breathing issues and the usual weird/shitty dreams.

An eye doctor we’ve seen that we didn’t really care for was my primary care doctor in one of my dreams. I was embarrassed because I realized that for the second time, I had forgotten to wear a bra. I wondered if he would think I never wore one.

Then we paid $27 for me to go to some place (a school?) and take a huge test, although I don’t know what it was for. I had been up since 10:00 PM, and it was already 2:00 PM, and I was only halfway done. Having been under the impression it would only take a couple of hours, I was getting frustrated and wondered if we should just go home. “It’s up to you,” Tom said.

Then I was telling him I was going to shut down one of my email addresses, but wasn’t sure which one.

Lastly, I ran into Marie, who didn’t sound anything like she really does.

We tested the dolls yesterday. I’m still experimenting with both Jade and Joy. I had Tom see if he could trigger a response out of either of them, and he got nothing from Joy and minimal responses from Jade. He asked her to light up two of the lights on the EMF reader, and she didn’t. But then as soon as I took over, twice she lit up two of them!

When I got up today, I approached Joy with the reader and said, “Good morning, Joy. Light up if you can hear me.”

Nothing.

“Good morning, Jade. Light up if you can hear me.”

Blink.

So yeah, pretty interesting. Don’t know that I’ll ever be 100% convinced she’s haunted—much less find out by who and why—but I still have a lot more learning and experimenting to do. I have other dolls I would like to test as well at some point in time.

5/2/25

Ugh, I had a hellish night! 🙁 It seems I woke up every few minutes gasping for breath whether I was on my stomach or side. My sleep was so broken up that it extended out three hours past when I got up yesterday. I don’t know how much of my nose was a problem, but it did seem stuffier than usual.

I skipped my meds, and probably shouldn’t have. It’s just that I wanted to go right for the coffee when I got up.

I’m just so worried the CPAP won’t be enough! I am so fucking done with all these health problems. Just so fucking done. I can’t take it anymore. I am utterly batshit exhausted, and my lungs felt like they were used as a punching bag. The CPAP is to arrive today, but I don’t know if I can stay up long enough. I may have to suffocate one more night. When I do get it, I may also have to titrate up my usage and aim for an hour the first night, then two, then three, etc. However, I’m going to try my best to just dive right in full-time, keeping in mind how shitty I’ve been feeling and why it’s necessary and important.

It could still very well be that decent sleep simply isn’t something I’m meant to have, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life struggling for something that isn’t meant to be and keep on fighting a losing battle. I’m so done with this life if I don’t get better.

I canceled both the pulmonologist and sleep study appointments. Curious, I asked how far they were booked out at the sleep lab, expecting to hear that they didn’t have anything before September, but they actually have appointments available in late July. A three-month wait is still a long time.

I decided not to review the pulmonologist yet and let people know just what I think of the arrogant idiot in case I need him again—and damn do I hope not! Neither of us likes him, and if I need any pulmonologist again, then I’ve got bigger problems on my hands. So I hope Tom is right when, after his research, he came to the belief that a CPAP would be all I need.

Had my first pill nightmare in quite a while. I was holding a handful of thyroid pills and decided for some crazy reason to suck on them like hard candy, even though in real life they dissolve instantly. After a while, I panicked and was like, oh my God, how many of these things have I had!

They say sleep apnea increases the chance of nightmares. Because the sleep is so fragmented, it confuses the brain, I guess.

Unless they’re just not going through, I’m really getting sick of messaging people only to be ignored. I’m not going to remind them that I messaged them either and I’m waiting for a reply as part of my pulling further away from those that just don’t seem to care. I don’t know everything going on in their life, so maybe something came up, but we’re not just talking one person—we’re talking three people. I asked Christine how she lost 63 lb… nothing. I asked Becky how long it took her to get used to the CPAP the second time around and if she ever takes nights off from it… nothing. Also, I still haven’t heard Melanie’s take on Jade. As for my take, I’m still not 100% convinced she’s haunted, but she is definitely more reactive than any of the dolls I’ve tested thus far, though contradictory in some of her answers.

Raptor Cliffs, the new golf course, came out. I only played it once, but it seems okay.

5/3/25

Although I haven’t used it yet because it was at the very end of my day yesterday, the CPAP came, and I literally cried tears of relief all over again. I think I’ve shed more tears in these last few weeks than I have in years. Tonight will be my first run with it, so wish me luck!

My teeth have felt so clean and smooth since the last cleaning. I’m definitely okay with bumping it up to three times a year instead of two, which she said would be important after a deep cleaning. Decided to get disposable electric toothbrushes every four months rather than packs of new heads for the rechargeable one I’ve got.

I created another blog on Tumblr just to keep track of my chats with Jade. I would have laughed my ass off at the thought of something like this not too long ago and deemed the person to be delusional, if not seriously high on wishful thinking, but there’s no denying what’s been going on here even if the last session was disappointing. Still, I hope I can develop this newfound ability even further!

I haven’t started it yet, but the May challenge is out on VZ. I did a quick glance at the rides, and it looks like I’m going to be riding through six different U.S. state capitals, including Phoenix, so I’m sure I’ll recognize some places there.

5/4/25

Starting this entry to the tune of a thunderstorm. Overall, I’d say my first night with the CPAP, even though I didn’t wear it the entire night, was good and bad. I think it was mostly good, though. It did make my nose a little sore, and unfortunately, I do notice it when it ramps up. I think there may have been a couple of pockets of air that escaped from my mouth, too.

It said I slept with the mask for 5 hours and 38 minutes and had about 5 events an hour, but my mask seal and humidity levels were good. It also said I took the mask off 5 times. That’s the thing, though… I was wearing it while I was unwinding with my audiobook before I fell asleep. I never even had to get up to pee while I was sleeping, nor did I wake up with a headache. Just tired. So I don’t think I actually slept with it for that long. I think the time I actually slept with it was closer to 3 hours. But hey, that’s more than I expected! I wasn’t sure I’d get past an hour. Another good thing is that I think I did sleep on my stomach, though not for long. My score was 81.

I’ve been swapping messages with Jessie the last few days, and she said she couldn’t use this mask because she would open her mouth.

The CPAP, which is made especially for women, is cute with a leafy design on it. At first, I was worried that it would blow my lungs right out my ass when it ramped, and while it didn’t do that, it was a bit noticeable as I was falling asleep. Hopefully, I can get used to the sensation of it. It says it ramped up to 7 from 4.

The machine tells me more than the app does, and unfortunately, there is still evidence of central. I hope it’s not the case and it’s just me having to get used to it that’s confusing it! From now on, I’m not going to put it on until I’m actually ready to sleep. That way, I get a more accurate picture of what’s going on.

It was a little cold as well, and while that may be okay for this climate, we may eventually get a heated hose—especially if we do move to a colder climate. Also, a mini backup travel CPAP of some kind, because if anything happened to this one, I’d be fucked until we got a new one. Hopefully, it will last 5 years.

I’m glad Tom remembered that the nasal pillow I had the last time was an XS because S is too big. Had to pay extra for the XS because my nose is so damn small.

I screwed a hook into the wall about six feet high to hang the thing when I’m not using it because the hose is pretty long.

I had a negative moving dream, although it made no sense. Without seeing it until we moved in, we rented a place that I didn’t realize was so small and dumpy. I was like, why would we think paying $600 for this when we had a newer, bigger place for less?! Of course, I don’t know where the hell you could get a good-sized newer place for $600 or less these days.

Wow, it’s raining pretty hard now.

The water was off yesterday because a pipe broke a few streets over, but it was only for about an hour. It was horrible timing because we were doing laundry. Why is it that these parks always turn off the entire park’s water instead of just that street???

5/5/25

Written last night:

I wish there really were such a thing as an all-purpose cleaner, but Tilex is better for mold and mildew because it sprays more evenly rather than in clumps, CLR is good for scrubbing the shower, toilet, and sinks, and Clorox wipes are best for wiping down countertops.

We ran out to Publix yesterday because we both wanted something different for a change, so we got some cooked food. He got potato wedges, and we shared some macaroni and cheese, which I let him have most of because it was kind of peppery. I got fried shrimp and ribs. They were really good.

I like that the CPAP has a dial instead of a touchscreen. It’s right behind my head on the headboard shelf, so this way I don’t have to worry about bumping it. While it would be great if I could get used to this thing eventually and it would restore my energy, it kind of sucks to know that I’m likely stuck with it for the rest of my life.

It seems like there’s never any undoing my problems. No cures. Just treatments. And if something does get cured, it eventually returns to haunt me somehow. I wish there was something I could do to restore my thyroid, but even if it were possible to give me a thyroid transplant, the antibodies would only attack that one as well. Still, it’s sad that I’m never going to be able to sleep normally again. I’m never going to be able to simply fall into bed, close my eyes, and sleep, regardless of any outside sources that may wake me up.

So I have to remind myself that hey, if this thing can restore my energy and give me my life back, then it’s worth it. As I get used to it, I can hopefully save money by no longer needing nose strips, but for now, I continue to wear them because it may be a while before I’m able to sleep through the whole night with the nasal pillow. I hope to beat last night’s time. The money spent on nose strips may have to go to mouth tape if I end up having mouth farts, LOL. Sometimes my mouth fills with air, and that eventually leaks out. Hopefully, I’ll adapt to that and the ramp-up. They’re definitely sensations I’m not used to. It would ramp up, wake me up, ramp down, then ramp up again as I would fall asleep, and so on and so forth.

It’s pretty amazing how it knows exactly how much air I need. They wanted it set in the standard range of 4 to 20, so going up to 7 wasn’t that high. Who knows how much higher it may go the more I use it.

I read the wrong list of rides. The May challenge is scattered throughout Europe and not the U.S. That’s why it’s called the Eurovision Challenge. I’m starting off in the Netherlands, and eventually, I’ll ride through Luxembourg, England, France, Sweden, and Ireland.

Written this morning:

Unless something up there is trying to tease the shit out of me, I have real hope for the first time in nearly half a decade where my fatigue is concerned!!! The only thing I can’t tell for sure is how many events I had were actually real events, and I doubt most of them were, because I wore it for nearly two hours before I crashed and had trouble falling asleep. If I yawned or cleared my throat, it would count as an event.

What’s exciting is that I slept with it longer and scored a 97! Even more exciting is the energy I have today after just two nights of using it! Like I said, I hope nothing is just teasing me, because sometimes I do have good days. But this is a really good day, and it will be interesting to see how long the energy lasts (I’ll update that in tomorrow’s entry). Usually, on the days I do have energy, it doesn’t last all day.

I woke up with the usual dread, thinking, Oh no. How exhausted am I going to be today? How much am I not going to be able to accomplish because of it? How much is it going to fuck with my mood? But as soon as I got up and started moving around, I noticed the difference.

Also, interestingly enough, I haven’t had to get up to pee since using the thing during my sleep. Both Andy and the pulmonologist said it cuts down the bathroom trips. I joked with Tom that maybe he needed a CPAP because he always gets up to pee. The pulmonologist did say that some people benefit from CPAPs even if they don’t have sleep apnea.

I’m not saying this will be the case for sure, but I may end up with a routine where I start off without it because it’s so much easier for me to fall asleep on my stomach. It’s easier to shift onto my stomach in the middle of my sleep with the mask on than to fall asleep with it in the first place. So I may end up falling asleep without it, waking up, and then putting it on. I’ve now got the most efficient way to get the thing on quickly. I just drive the nose holes up my nose, grab the bottom strap, and slip it over my bun. As soon as my nose gets used to it, I’m good to go.

Because there’s pressure underneath the nose, it gets sore. The nose holes don’t go very far into the nostrils at all but more like against the openings. But there’s still an upward pressure for some reason, so it’s going to take time to get used to it. It was on and off last night. I took it off as I was falling asleep, and then I later put it on and didn’t get woken up by it ramping. It ramped up to 9 this time. Then I took it off because my nose hurt.

As I said, the number of events isn’t likely accurate. I’ve got to do an even better job of making sure I only wear it when I’m actually sleeping to get a better picture of how many events are real. I’m not nearly as worried about central as I was, even though it’s still picking up between 1 and 2 centrals, because as long as it doesn’t go over 5 and you feel refreshed, you should be fine.

If I can continue to feel better and better physically and therefore emotionally, it will be worth knowing I’m likely stuck with it for the rest of my life. According to AI, even if I were suddenly at an ideal weight, I only have a 10 to 30% chance of getting out of it.

5/6/25

Not at all surprisingly, I’m back to being tired. It has nothing to do with sleep apnea or the CPAP, though. Try estrogen instead. I started using more because it stopped increasing my PVCs. Last night really sucked because I was not only up forever, but I kept waking up like every half hour to an hour. I just couldn’t stay asleep for long. My first thought when I woke up was that I was overmedicated, although I didn’t feel overmedicated otherwise. That’s when it hit me, and I did a little digging and found that estrogen can cause insomnia and frequent awakenings. Definitely time to cut that back again. Fucking hormones, too. They really suck.

So, while Fitbit notices my fragmented sleep to a degree, the CPAP’s app doesn’t. It just looks for apneas. Again, I got a score of 97, and therapy has cut the events in half, but I still have a way to go. Still have mixed apneas, but the CSA is low enough not to be a concern. This time I ramped up to 9.8. Rampings are no longer waking me up, but I still sometimes open my mouth. Hopefully, just like I learned to sleep through the rampings, I’ll sleep through that too.

I swear, though, my sleep is cursed no matter what I do! I feared that if this helped, whatever’s cursing it would find a workaround—and barely three nights in, it has. On top of the estro, we’re going to have a few days with the potential for storms to wake me up as I start sleeping in. I swear it’s like something wants to slowly kill me off through my sleep. No matter what I do, there’s always something. Was it worth all the money if I’m just going to have my sleep disturbed in all these different ways?

I was able to nap for a couple of hours, but it didn’t do much for me, maybe because I napped without my gear. I moved the CPAP from the shelf behind my head to the nightstand and let the hose dangle between the nightstand and the bed in hopes of there being less to get tangled up in. So other than opening my mouth a few times here and there and wrestling with the hose, as Tom said, I could be in compliance easily with the way things are going so far.

Might have to get a heated hose at some point, because if it’s cold at this time of year, it might be more noticeable in the winter, even if the winters here are short. I might also get a different strap that lowers the bottom strap so the nasal pillow doesn’t tug up on the bottom of your nose as much.

I wasn’t too happy to find that my blood sugar, which I tested this morning for the first time in a while, is still in the triple digits at 107. Let’s just say I have a feeling my A1C isn’t going to get any lower, or at least not much lower. The question is whether or not it’s going to rise. I hope not, since I just can’t tolerate medication.

The water was off again yesterday for an hour or two. We figured that because the pipe broke on a weekend, they just put a temporary patch on it and fixed it properly the next day. Really hope that doesn’t get to be a regular thing like it was in the last park, and I don’t have to go back to being afraid to shower during the daytime.

Not much change with commercial planes, but I swear there have been way more small planes lately, and they’re really annoying as fuck—even late at night. The low-pitch drone and the fact that they fly lower make them harder to drown out with air cleaners and things like that. I really hope I’m not going to have to live with this for the rest of my life because this is another thing I’m obviously never going to get used to. The areas we may consider moving to should be far enough away that any commercials flying over us would be too high to hear. But nowadays, small planes may be an issue no matter where you go. If we could cut them back to five a day instead of a dozen, however, that would be good. Sonic booms would be my biggest concern out in the boonies. That’s still way in the future, if it ever happens.

I had some very vivid dreams. During the five hours that I slept, I dreamed we were living in the house my mother’s brother had when I was a kid with his first wife and two snotty daughters. Only the backyard didn’t look like it really does. There was an ocean or a huge lake nearby. I must have been able to keep a schedule because I was a student somewhere, studying something. But one night, I was unable to sleep, so I wandered out back where Tom was asleep on a chaise lounge. That’s where he preferred to sleep, lol. I sat on another lounge chair and gazed off into the water where the moon was setting, casting a really cool-looking rippling reflection on the water.

Eventually, I got back up and went into the house. When I found I was still unable to sleep, I thought that due to having an impeccable attendance record, it wouldn’t hurt to take a day off from classes. So I walked into the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, and looked at the wall straight across from me, wondering why they ever blocked what used to be a second doorway there.

Later on, when I napped, I had a vivid dream, also taking place at night. We were living in what looked like a huge barn-type house that was three stories and easily 5,000 square feet. There was a large rectangular quarry in front of it. One night, I went out to a shed nestled at the edge of this very secluded woodsy place to see what Tom was up to and thought it was weird that he even needed a shed, given how huge the house was.

Then I had another dream where I was crying. Someone came up to me and asked what was wrong, and I told them it was the day Aly died. When I woke up, I realized that it really is the day she died four years ago. I hadn’t forgotten, but I had. Meaning that I hadn’t thought about it for a few days. But yeah, she’s now been gone for four years and I still miss the hell out of her.

5/7/25

Even though my score was worse last night—in the 80s instead of the 90s—I have a little more energy today. Not that much, though. I’m still struggling, and I still feel like I always will. I just feel like I’m fighting for what isn’t meant to be on top of the storms we’ve got coming up. Tom feels optimistic, on the other hand, but he’s optimistic in general compared to me. He feels my body will slowly get used to it.

The problem isn’t so much the mask as it is me opening my mouth. But then, I don’t literally open my mouth either. All you need is for your lips to be relaxed to the point where they’re just barely touching for air to escape after it builds up in your mouth. I’m probably going to have to get mouth tape eventually, which I’m not going to like, because I feel the need to yawn every now and then. He thinks my body will learn to keep my mouth shut more, but I think it’s a natural reflex that can’t be changed.

The only good thing that’s changed is that ever since I started using the thing 4 nights ago, I’ve never had to get up and pee in the middle of my sleep. I haven’t gone 4 nights in a row without doing that in years. I was up for-fucking-ever, though, like 19 hours. I crashed at 1:00, but as soon as 4:00 rolled around, I started waking up every hour until I dragged myself out of bed around 10:00.

I skipped today’s levo because I suspect it could very well be connected to why I’m having insomnia lately and trouble staying asleep. I don’t know why I don’t have other symptoms other than dropping another pound to 154, but I think that could be a possibility, along with the estrogen and clonazepam withdrawal, although I did break down and take a half before bed. The estrogen and the levo are the most likely culprits. I don’t remember a single dream last night, and I read that estrogen can cause vivid dreams. I’m going to cut that back to twice a week and use less. So right now, I suspect the insomnia and frequent awakenings are most likely connected to the estrogen with the levo being runner-up. I think that’s the case, anyway. I’ll find out soon enough.

So between the insomnia, the constant waking up, and the mouth farts, it fragmented my sleep and left me tired, frustrated, and feeling a little hopeless. If it worked, the fact that it’s a life sentence of sorts wouldn’t be so hard on me. But when I think about it, regardless of how much it helps in the end, it’s yet another part of me that’s gone. I can no longer simply fall into bed and sleep. I haven’t slept well since menopause set in but even though I’ve slept shitty most of my life—especially once I reached my late 40s—I at least didn’t need nose strips or CPAPs.

To help see if I can catch up on sleep next time around without waking up as much, I’m going to go old school and take Benadryl. The only problem is that I may be groggy the next day. I also ordered a new kind of melatonin I didn’t realize they had, which is only half the dose of the 1 mg gummies I used to have. In addition to melatonin, the stuff has L-theanine, passionflower, and chamomile added to it. The magnesium gummies help with the PVCs, but not with sleep. I’d like to take nothing, but taking nothing at all seems to make things worse.

I took a cotton ball—like Tom read someone did online—doused it in scented oils, and put it by the CPAP’s intake vent. Not sure I really smelled it, though. Even though our sense of smell is supposed to be reduced in our sleep, strong smells sometimes wake me up, and Tom has had to watch what he eats when I’m sleeping. However, with the CPAP, I think he’ll be able to eat whatever he wants. So at least we’ll get some good out of the thing.

Really hope I don’t have to switch to a full-face mask. That may solve the problem if I keep opening my mouth and can’t handle mouth tape, but it wouldn’t force air through my collapsed nasal valves as easily. My ENT was right when he said I should stick to the nasal pillow.

I got a clever idea with the cooker bag in my slow cooker. I don’t like chicken juice to mix in with potatoes or veggies, so I pulled the middle of the bag upward and made two different compartments. Seems to be working so far. I’ve got a chicken leg on one side and some broccoli florets on the other.

M hasn’t commented on as many of my blog entries as I have hers, but I can understand to a degree because she’s so overstimulated, as she puts it, between her job, her kid, and other things. So she’s been stressed and tired.

She said she thinks Jade lived in the 1920s and wasn’t sure if I knew her, but thinks I might have. I don’t know what to think anymore. I read that vinyl can trigger an EMF reader, so I took off her jacket and jewelry, although she’s still much more reactive than Joy. Melanie is either delusional or has an extremely amazing gift I simply don’t have. As she was saying on Messenger, we definitely have different psychic abilities, and she’s never had any dream premonitions. I would love to trade! I’d love to talk to ghosts and remember past lives—real or not—than get a heads-up in my dreams that a shit storm is likely coming.

5/8/25

“Congratulations! So and so that you don’t even know has won the contest/sweepstake!” This is one reason I quit sweeping, along with the fact that I don’t stand a chance these days with all the competition. All I do is get congratulated on other people’s wins, as if I had anything to do with it.

Now, for last night’s sleep report. First, Becky replied to me last night, apologizing and saying that she wrote a reply right away to my last message but didn’t hit send for some reason. She and Tom both feel confident that I will learn to breathe even more through my nose. However, after taking the new melatonin, which I decided I shouldn’t mix with Benadryl if I didn’t want to feel groggy the next day and which knocked me out, I woke up an hour later with air escaping my mouth. After I fell back asleep, this happened on and off for a couple more hours.

Finally, I said to myself, This has to stop. I’m going to have to remove the mask and just do without it so I can sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. But knowing that would be almost as bad because I wouldn’t be able to breathe well, I peeled the nose strip off my nose (that I knew I didn’t need with the nasal pillow anyway) and placed it vertically across the center of my mouth—and it worked! Now I was only waking up every two hours, but not due to air escaping. I would simply wake up. I may not start off sleeping with my mouth taped to give Tom and Becky a chance to see if they could be right, but I’ll have it handy nearby so I can tape my mouth if needed. And yes, I can actually sleep on my stomach at times, too! I still have to finagle the hose, and it’s not as comfortable, but it’s doable.

Got my highest score yet on MyAir of 98! My events have been cut in half, too. They jumped all the way up to 19 the night before, and now they’re down to 9. Hopefully, I’ll get under 5 soon enough! My goal is to have anywhere from 0 to 2 an hour. The pressure keeps climbing and was up to nearly 11 last night. The CPAP again says my seal was good and my humidity levels were good as well.

We’ve now got little baby tomatoes sprouting! There’s definitely going to be more than I can eat, so maybe I’ll offer some to Toni. I don’t know how long it will be before they’re edible.

Someone shared an email from management in the park group saying that the water would be off for the third time in a week due to backflow testing. This is starting to feel an awful lot like the old place. My silly husband forgot to turn the bidet off since he was taking a dump when it went off, and the bathroom got a bit flooded. How dumb was that! He first thought something was wrong with the bidet.

Yesterday I got to see and hear something I’ve never seen in an adult community before. I was at the desk by the door when I heard voices and thought it was just people greeting each other in the street. But then I realized the voice sounded a bit angry. Curious, I peeked outside to find a woman who looked too young to be living here walking alongside a slow-moving SUV and shouting at the driver.

I was reading about a case of a 25-year-old woman in the UK charged with “cyber farting” after sending a “traumatizing” video to her ex’s girlfriend of her farting. My first thought was, Oh my god, I can’t believe they’d charge anyone over that. But then again, I can, knowing how twisted the law’s priorities can be. What 25-year-old doesn’t do immature, silly shit like that anyway? Really, I hope she didn’t dignify this bullshit by putting in an appearance. I’d rather a failure-to-appear warrant be out on me than give in to such stupid shit.

5/10/25

Tom upgraded my desktop while I slept today, and tomorrow, we’re going to move Tink back into her original cage so that she’ll have a little more room around her. We just won’t add the shelves and ramps, since it’s hard for her to climb now.

Just when I’m starting to feel a sliver of hope, I feel like I’m right back where I started. I took melatonin and slept deeply and without mouth tape for the first couple of hours. Then it was right back to the fragmented sleep, with me waking up once or twice every hour after that.

Fitbit says I only got 46 minutes of REM sleep when we need 90 to 120 minutes. Also, my events jumped back up from 5.8 to 7.2, but I still got a sleep score of 99, just like yesterday.

I slapped on some mouth tape once the “frags” started, as I call them. The thing is, even if the CPAP knocked down the events, what’s going to stop the fragmented sleep? Research says that adjusting to therapy and cutting the events down should cut the frags as well, but I don’t know about that, and I still don’t know that I’m going to be able to avoid taping my mouth.

When I first put the thing on, my nose feels just as stuffy because it’s blowing gently at first. So I’m going to have to continue using nose strips and mouth tape, costing us more and not less in the end.

On top of this, I have storms to worry about. The next two days I’m likely to get thundered awake, adding to my exhaustion. So it may be a while before I can really get a sense of just how much the thing is helping when I still don’t know if other health issues might be contributing to my fatigue as well. I think at this point, the best I can hope for is that it stops the scary episodes where I would “suffocate” awake because I’m pretty sure that was the sleep apnea and not asthma or the levo at this point. It’s looking like I still very well may have to accept the fact that I’m gonna spend most of the rest of my life tired, and I’m just going to have to deal with it. I can’t keep dreaming this impossible dream and fighting for what I’m not meant to have. If I’m not meant to have energy for whatever reason, I’m not going to get it. Yeah, I had a few better days, but a few don’t mean much. So the added stress of the storms and feeling hopeless, like I do when I’m so tired, doesn’t help. The two just don’t mix well.

Also, I worry about it fucking with my schedule and causing me to have to reschedule my appointment with Rhonda.

Lastly, they’re better now, but my hips have been sore since I can’t sleep on my stomach as much anymore.

Since I’ve now completed my first week with the CPAP, I followed the guidelines on the sticker on top of it that tells you how often to clean and replace the parts. I cleaned the harness, tubes, and water chamber.

No crazy insomnia, and I’m now pretty sure that that was from the estrogen. That’s my first guess anyway.

Doing a nail experiment. I read that nail polish is more likely to invite nail fungus than nail stickers, so I put a nail sticker on my right pinky with no base polish beneath, which seems to be the second most likely nail of mine to attract fungus for some reason, and I’ll see what happens. My thumbnail does seem to be getting better, but it’s hard to say for sure.

Still doing the challenge when I’m not overly tired. I completed the Ireland ride and now I’m in France.

Since the bedroom is attached to the laundry room, both Jade and Joy were quite reactive—especially Jade—when the washer and dryer were running. I’m still not sure what to think as far as haunted dolls go. If it’s just a coincidence, though, then why is Jade the most reactive? Why is it that I never get a single reaction from other dolls besides those two? And I don’t even know that Joy is literally “reacting.” It could be residual from Jade since they stand close together. Again, I don’t know what to think.

When you think about it, what the freeloaders did to me was nothing but true, honest-to-God legal revenge. I think if you take someone who’s truly dangerous and who cannot be rehabilitated like rapists and child molesters and you jail them, that’s justice. Everything else is just revenge.

Here we go again. I know there are a lot of selfish people out there, but ever since I lost Aly, it feels like I’m only meant to have one-sided friendships. I can’t exactly say that Melanie is as one-sided as V, but I’m not getting any return comments on journal entries, and I was the one who reached out to her on Messenger to ask how she was doing. She did ask how I was doing in return, but now we’ll see how long it takes for her to message me on her own since there are only so many times I’m willing to be the one to take the initiative.

5/12/25

Last night was amazingly and surprisingly plane-free, but tonight it’s back to the usual endless parade. I didn’t get woken up by storms as expected, but I still slept shittier than shitty. First, air was leaking through my mouth, then I had to prop myself up due to feeling nauseous. I don’t understand this persistent nausea. I’ve had it for days now, and it seems to be getting worse.

After 3.5 hours, I decided to sleep without the mask, knowing I was going to be exhausted anyway and not wanting to have to peel anything off my face if I had to make a run for the bathroom to puke. Even worse than I felt last night, I feel more like I’ve been kicked back to the beginning. This feels like a major setback to me, and I feel totally hopeless. Tom still feels I’ll adapt, and my body will learn to stop breathing through its mouth, but I just don’t see that happening. Our bodies can’t just do or learn whatever. You’re talking about reflex and body anatomy here.

We agreed I would give this mask until the end of the month, but I think I’m going to have to get a hybrid. I definitely don’t want a full face. The problem is finding one with a nasal pillow that’s small enough for my tiny nose (with nasal prongs). This way, I wouldn’t have to worry about leaks, as I definitely don’t want to sleep with tape on my mouth for the rest of my life. If I need to yawn, cough, suck in a big breath of air suddenly, or grab a few swallows of water, I want to be able to open my mouth right away.

I still say I am dreaming an impossible dream and fighting for what I’m simply not meant to have under any circumstances… decent energy and my life back. But you know what? I’m not worried about it anymore because I know the only one who can open the door to let myself out of this suffering is me, and I’m not going to stand in my way anymore. Not for much longer anyway. I really think this year is it. I’ve totally had my fill and reached my breaking point as to what my brain and body can take.

I hate to do this to my husband, and I tried all these years to hang on and hoped that things would get better, but as soon as they do, something else goes wrong, and we can only suffer so much for others or ourselves. I don’t think he’ll ever understand this, but I can’t stick around for another 15 to 20 years and allow myself to feel absolutely miserable a good 2/3 of the time. That’s not fair to myself, nor is it really fair to him. I don’t know when I’m going, but it will be sometime this year after I’ve given both the nasal pillow and whatever hybrid I might be able to find a chance. Even if we could afford other alternatives like an oral appliance or the Inspire, these would do nothing to address my nasal valve.

Anyway, I just want to make the best of whatever time I have left. As I said, I’ve been feeling nauseous, and I’m taking these anti-nausea tablets, but they only help so much. I’ve been going from hot to cold as well. I don’t sense this being heart-related, so hopefully, I don’t have any kind of weird infection going on. Tom thinks it’s that I’ve been eating the wrong foods without a gallbladder, but those wrong foods should be long gone by now.

I accidentally broke one of the glasses they left here in the sink, so we got a six-pack of plastic cups. I had my choice of dark blue or lavender, and of course, I got the lavender.

I wish there was something else I could say other than feeling like shit and that yes, my life is truly over in so many ways, but other than the weather, there isn’t much else to say. I didn’t get thundered awake as I thought I might, but tomorrow there’s a chance of that. Kind of funny how as soon as I try to fight the sleep curse, I get this persistent nausea, and we’re having more rain than we normally have at this time of year. It’s like I’m being punished for daring to even try to get some semblance of energy and my life back, or at least the parts that I can get at this day and age.

It’s going to be hard and scary, but I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do to end this because there’s no medicine, machine, or anything else I can do that’s going to fix things. All I have to do is hope that those who swear you go to hell if you take your life just say that to scare people, and that NDE stories of those who tried to kill themselves just to wind up in hell are also just trying to scare people into not following in their footsteps.

I don’t know how much my thyroid or other things could be contributing to the fatigue, and I still can’t rule out chronic fatigue either.

I’m still going to try to start off with no mouth tape just to give myself a fair chance to see if Tom could be right and I can adapt. But if I start getting woken up every few minutes and it gets to be too much and I feel I need to get some real sleep for a while, then I’ll tape my mouth. After having my sleep so broken up last time around, I napped earlier in the evening, but it didn’t refresh me at all.

5/12/25

I thought of my second-to-last exchange with Melanie on Messenger, and something about it kept bugging me. I realized it’s the part where she says she doesn’t want to throw our friendship away over our political differences because that’s just a small part of me. As if my being pro-Israel is somehow a bad part of me? Is that what she’s saying—that it’s actually bad and not just different? Well, I haven’t heard much from her anyway, and I doubt I will without initiating contact first. I won’t do it, though, because I already did.

Yesterday I was exhausted, and today I’m not much better—but I am better. The two times there was really loud thunder happened when I was awake, luckily. I tried to start off without the mouth tape, but I just can’t stop getting air in my mouth that either hisses or pops through my lips, even if my mouth is closed—and I know it is. I actually made myself fall asleep on my back now that I can do that. So now I’ve got four positions I can lie in, counting that—both sides and my stomach—though I’m limited on how much tummy time I can do with this contraption.

Still wondering if I should switch to a full-face mask. I want to try it at least once. From what I’ve learned, it should still deliver enough air through my nose and stop leaks coming out of my mouth, although it’s harder to seal in general, and whenever you change positions, you may break the seal. Could be pricey, but I’m willing to shop around and experiment with what works best for me.

Even if the chin strap was comfortable, it won’t do me any good because air still bubbles through my lips. They may be together, but they’re relaxed in my sleep. The only way to cut down on mouth leaks is to use the medical tape. I kind of have to press my lips together a bit tightly before I apply it. So in time, I’ll know if I should switch to a full-face mask or just tape my mouth, but I shouldn’t have to tape my nose anymore. I kind of like how the tape stops me from drooling.

After being up for about 18 hours, I got up after being hissed awake right away to take melatonin and tape my mouth. I slept surprisingly steadily from 8:30 to 3:00. At that time, I removed the tape to see how it went, and it didn’t go well. Three times, air bubbling or hissing woke me up, and once 4:30 came around, I removed the mask and napped on my stomach with nothing for another half hour.

Some definite positives I’ve noticed right away: no longer needing to get up and pee during my sleep, and it definitely seems to help my nose and possibly my TMJ.

I dropped the humidity setting from the default of 4 to 3 because I felt some condensation in my nose. Hey, this is Florida. I don’t need to add much humidity here. AI also said that too much condensation can contribute to leaks.

The only thing I didn’t like was the dream I had. It was both unusual and disturbing. It actually took place in this house, too. We had a video appointment with a male doctor on his computer regarding some kind of brain scan they did on me.

“You didn’t find anything wrong, did you?” I asked the doctor.

“It’s what I didn’t find,” he said, suggesting that could be a problem, although I wasn’t worried.

When the video appointment ended, Tom was writing something in the kitchen and said something about the appointment costing $60, and then asked if a follow-up was scheduled. I said, “No, so I guess there can’t be anything too worrisome.”

Then I asked if he would help me die if it turned out I had a tumor, and instead of being supportive, he kind of glared at me without answering.

These are normally the types of dreams that put me on full alert, but I’m not worried. You never get anything serious when a part of you wishes you would so you didn’t have to struggle with health and sleep issues anymore.

In real life, the poor guy was really exhausted after donating today. He’s going to test his ketones later. His hematocrit was kind of low, and his blood pressure was a little low as well, but his blood sugar was fine at 95.

My nausea and acid reflux finally let up, and hopefully, it will stay that way. I think I was just eating the wrong stuff without a gallbladder.

Created a new Matey. They now let you create all the non-premium ones as a non-payer. Some of them are kind of dull looking, but I created “Amy,” whom I then changed to Aria. She had dark eyes and red pigtails, but after customizing her, she still has dark eyes but now has long, flowy black hair.

5/13/25

Downloaded an app called Threads, which seems to be pretty popular these days. Looks like they have a website as well as the app, just like Insta. I like how I can make voice posts at least from the app but I don’t think I’ll use it very much. I’ll just stick to Bluesky for now, which is enough for me.

I slept better, but I didn’t the last couple of days. I haven’t had fragmented sleep as much, but I’m still kind of tired. I read that it’s very normal and it can often take three to six weeks for energy to be restored. I’m on day 10, and I noticed my REM sleep is down. I read that it’s common when you first start CPAP therapy, so hopefully - hopefully - I’m still not fighting for what I’m not going to get. But yeah, it could take time. If you had untreated sleep apnea for months or years, like I have, it can take time to pay off all that sleep debt.

After I crashed, I woke up a little over an hour later, aware of the air rushing through the thing. I had an earplug in, and you notice your bodily sounds more when your ear(s) are plugged. You can hear things like breathing and heartbeats better.

So I got up and was a little wound up waiting for the mowers. Finally, they came while I was up bitching about it to Tom. I took melatonin and then later a full clonazepam, and I’m probably just as tired now due to that as trying to adjust his treatment.

So my goal next time around is not to take anything before bed and see if my sleep is as fragmented. I did request a refill, though, of clonazepam, and also for the ciclopirox nail lacquer for nail fungus.

Tom read that some people with nasal pillows deal with leaks by putting a headband snugly over their mouth if they don’t like the chin strap, and others say that if you put your tongue at the roof of your mouth behind your upper teeth, it creates a vacuum seal. Yeah, but the headband would probably slip, and I don’t see how I could keep my tongue in place while I was asleep.

Miss Tinkerbella is a naughty rat. She chewed part of the lamp cord in the living room, so she definitely has to be kicked out of there or very closely supervised.

Meanwhile, I still feel exhausted and hopeless, like I’m fighting for something I’m simply not meant to have no matter what.

5/15/25

Forget not sharing links to my socials, as I can’t even mention them on PB without people wanting to add me!

Our naughty little rat is now playing in the playpen. We got a cute little pink foldable playpen a couple of years ago, and now that she’s old and fat, she can’t jump out of it. Sadly, the tumor is growing, but that’s what they do. She still appears not to be suffering in any way, and that’s what’s most important.

I got a new fuzzy lavender throw for the bed, so I gave her my old frayed pink one to burrow in, in the center of the playpen. I’ve got her little water fountain in there, too. Destructive or not, grounded or not, rats still crave physical attention, so I’m sure to pick her up and cuddle her periodically.

Tom made an adorable video of a baby possum out back. He said it wasn’t even afraid of him, and he literally had to move out of the way as it was coming toward him.

So here’s the latest sleep report. Last night I was horribly exhausted and in a very dark, depressed place in my mind. I felt totally hopeless and wished I could just cease to exist at the snap of my fingers. There’s no doubt that my sleep quality goes hand in hand with my emotional health.

Tonight I’m definitely more awake and feeling better in the head as well. I did, however, wake up a handful of times due to air escaping my mouth because the tape wasn’t secure enough. I eventually got up, peed, pulled off the tape, and added two new strips of tape to my mouth rather than just one. This definitely helped, although one time, air did try to come out of my mouth that had accumulated in it.

My end goal is to get a mouth guard, since CPAPs only last about 5 years anyway. But for now, I’m eventually going to have to get a full-face mask. I was surprised to learn they make cloth ones, so it wouldn’t have to be plastic or silicone. They’re not quite as sturdy, but they should be good enough since I don’t seem to ramp higher than 11. I just wish I could magically know which one would be best for me, but you can’t really know until you use it. If worst comes to absolute worst and I can’t use a full-face mask because it’s just too uncomfortable or the seal keeps breaking, I’ll just keep taping my mouth and use this. At least this way, I can sleep on my stomach to a degree. I just want more than just an occasional day of good energy! If I’m only feeling good once a week or so, then what’s the point of even living? Well, there is still a little bit of hope because I might not have had such fraggy sleep if it weren’t for the mouth farts waking me up. Andy once told me more than once that he slept solidly. I thought it was a bit odd given his age, but I’m starting to see where sleep apnea and fragmented sleep really do go hand in hand. The only other time I have frags is when I’m stressed. If I’ve got a stressful appointment coming up, or I think it might storm during my sleep and disrupt my sleep, then I’m more likely to have fragmented sleep.

I’m definitely at the point now where I would never want to sleep without some kind of device for sleep apnea. Even if this just keeps away the scary suffocation spells and keeps me from waking up feeling like I ran a marathon in my sleep, that would be quite okay with me. I had no idea sleep apnea could do that! I thought it was just some weird twist on my asthma or medication.

Rhonda refilled my clonazepam. I told her I typically take half a pill every two to three days, and that must be okay because, like I said, she refilled it upon my request. She also refilled my nail lacquer. It was definitely the estrogen that caused the insomnia. I figured it wasn’t clonazepam withdrawal because I’m not literally addicted to it. I don’t crave it or anything. It’s only for if I’m having a harder time than usual falling asleep or if I’m anxious. Fortunately, I don’t get anxious nearly as much as I used to (damn, it feels so good to be able to say that after all the years I suffered nearly every day) and I sometimes use melatonin instead.

5/16/25

Poor Andy. I just checked in on him for the first time in a while, and I guess he’s still being called the F word that rhymes with rag and hurt by it because it reminds him of what he went through in school in his teens. I’m sorry it hurts him, but it goes to show how different we are. He would never believe or accept this, but if somebody were to give me shit for being with women in the past or call me the K word, granted I wasn’t bullied as a kid like he was, I would just laugh and be like, yeah, so? Would it really be much different than being called an asshole, bitch, retard, cunt, or cock if it’s still said in anger and meant to lash out at the other person?

Unlike him, though, I have become so indifferent to what others think unless I’m close to them and care about them. Again, he would never accept this as the truth, but those who know me (or should know me) know I wouldn’t have any reason to say so if it weren’t the case. What would I have to gain from it?

I think most people in general are just a lot more sensitive than I used to be and am now. I realized a long time ago that if I worry too much about what others think, especially strangers, it would really make my life harder. I understand, however, that people can’t always help how they feel. The fact that a complete stranger who didn’t even know him called him a f*g is still wrong, regardless of how he feels about it.

He said he later approached a Black woman in a grocery store and asked if it hurt to be called the N-word, and she said it hurt in 1972 and it would hurt in 2030 as well. That’s why I get twice as pissed when Black people discriminate against gays—because they should know what it’s like and therefore they should know better! He added that sometimes a stranger could make you feel better.

It has always made him feel better to know he’s not alone in how he feels. So much so that this is part of why I cut ties with him. I feel bad for him, and he will always have a special place in my heart, but I can’t go back to the same cycle of toxicity either. I’m not him. I’m me.

Kind of surprised he hasn’t posted a picture of himself after his weight loss. I wonder if he feels he hasn’t lost enough yet to be worth sharing.

Yesterday, I had good energy, although it didn’t last the entire day. Today, I seem to be doing better as well. My AHI score is now under 5—yes! This is getting exciting and promising, though I’m still greatly hesitant to get my hopes up too high. Until and unless I ever go a full week with mostly good energy, I don’t want to assume my fatigue issues are being resolved.

On the downside, for the first time since using the thing, I had to get up and pee. But hey, if I do that only a few times a month instead of every single time I sleep, great! Part of it was my own fault because, as I was falling asleep, I thought I felt like my bladder might be full, but I was too tired to get up and empty it.

Lastly, I was aware of air trying to desperately escape through the tape on my mouth a few times, and I also woke up just because a few times as well. I now have tape specially made to go over the mouth in the form of an X. Hopefully, this will be just as secure and more comfortable.

Becky says she’s breathed through her mouth from time to time and doesn’t handle full-face masks well. She said she still thinks I’ll adapt through repetition. She can’t even nap without the CPAP because her AHI score is 133. That’s extremely severe sleep apnea! That’s like an event every 30 seconds.

5/17/25

Wow, Jesse died in 2022. Every now and then, a random person I knew pops into mind and I run their name to see if anything comes up on them. His obit came up with thirty-something comments and even some pictures of him that people shared. He was 66 when he died of a “tragic accident.” Tom and I wouldn’t be surprised if alcohol were somehow involved with the way he drank. I searched, but I couldn’t find any news articles or anything pertaining to vehicle accidents, but there are so many ways you can die by accident besides that. Maybe he was doing a project on his land and he accidentally died that way.

I wonder who will get his property now. I’m guessing his son. Unless the plane craze has now taken over the skies of Auburn, it was such an ideal piece of land, secluded and peaceful, yet you didn’t have to drive the better part of an hour to get to stores.

He drove me so crazy with those damn dogs of his, yet he was quick to fix things and was understanding when we had to split our payments up or pay late due to the recession.

Ended up having pretty good energy yesterday, which was two days in a row, but now I’m back to normal. I had trouble falling asleep as I tend to when I have more energy and took melatonin, which leaves me groggy the next day. Woke up a few times just because, then a few more because of leaks. My allergies were acting up, and my nose was stuffier than usual. I’m definitely going to have to try a full-face mask.

The x-shaped tape didn’t quite work out because I not only had to apply two pieces, but air escaped through the sides. So I had to get up in the middle of my sleep to replace it with medical tape, which seems to work better. I took it off during my last hour or two of sleep, and I’m pretty sure air escaped my mouth two or three times.

The sleep report says I had 5.6 events and just 3 the night before, but it doesn’t count the times I woke up for no apparent reason. At least, I don’t think it does. I still say it’s hopeless no matter what I do, but if this can keep those terrifying suffocation spells away and keep me breathing easier when I’m awake, that’s better than nothing. Hopefully, I won’t have to wait days before I have decent energy again. I don’t know, maybe instead of getting one good day a week, I’ll actually get two.

5/18/25

I think I’m actually going to have a thing called energy today! I’m still not getting my hopes up unless I go a whole week with decent energy, but usually when I hit a tired spell like I did yesterday, they last for days before I get a break. So this unexpected break is definitely welcome!

Unfortunately, I’m still having events. I scored 8 last time around, and since I checked and found that the app has an accuracy rate in the 90s, I’m guessing it’s unlikely that it counted an event as an event that really wasn’t an event. I don’t know why I have more energy today since it wasn’t under 5, but how I feel is more important than the numbers.

I think I’ll have to raise the humidity level back up a notch because I felt like I had a dry throat at one point. Sleep was still a little fragmented, and I think a PVC spell woke me up once. I remember air getting trapped in my mouth a couple of times, too.

Got up and peed and was a little worried I wouldn’t fall back asleep, but I did. At that point I didn’t have my mouth taped anymore, but there were no air leaks, so maybe I’ll try sleeping without the tape but I’ll have the tape nearby. Just a little bit of air escaped when I flipped onto my back, which is more likely to cause that in that position. But I slept for about an hour on one side and 45 minutes on the other and don’t remember any mouth farts.

I really believe that medical expenses are going to hold us back for the rest of our lives. It burns me up and saddens me to think how far ahead we could be right now if only this country had free medical care. But that will never happen. Never. We’re too obsessed with being independent. So much of our money has to go to medical costs that every time we get ahead, medical expenses kick us back. I not only don’t see how we’ll ever be able to move, but I don’t see how we could even redo the floors and add some more cabinets in the kitchen if we were to stay here.

Having him home and not having much money is still better than not having him home and having more money. It just sucks we can’t enjoy both, and that one has to work so hard for decades just to struggle in the end or to at least not have much extra.

My allergies have been worse, and I’ve started taking NasalCrom in addition to the steroid spray. That’s what I took for the sneezing fits I had in Auburn. It could just be a few days before it works. I know we have to pay for it since it’s OTC, but I don’t like the prescription spray he gave me because of the way it makes me tired and leaves me groggy the next day.

I sense that Melanie is pregnant with another daughter, but I hesitate to tell her because I don’t know if she would want me telling her this before she got her pregnancy test, much less the gender.

When Todd was telling me he got picked on in school due to his disability, I definitely felt a twinge of guilt when I remembered the bully I could be in elementary school. Especially when I remember those I picked on, one of whom could only walk on crutches. Her name was Victoria. Kids can be just as cruel as adults. Adults always insist they’re so pure and innocent, but they’re not.

5/19/25

Ran out to Publix for some things yesterday, and also yesterday, my allergies were the worst they’d ever been since moving here nearly four years ago, and we’re pretty sure it’s the tomato plant so we moved it into the lanai. If I can ever get my energy back and reschedule allergy testing, it will be interesting to see if that comes up.

I had moderate energy yesterday, and today I don’t know. My events dropped from 8 to 4 which is great but I’m still having fragmented sleep. Part of it was my fault for trying to sleep without my mouth taped. Definitely going to need a hybrid. I was able to nap later on, and I think that might have helped but I’m not sure yet. I’m still trying to wake up.

During my nap, I had an incredibly detailed, although not very realistic, moving dream. It was so clear and vivid that it made me wonder—was it in another dimension, or could it be a sign of some kind?

For some reason, Tom got a house quickly that I didn’t see until we moved into it. I guess it was one of those spur-of-the-moment things that was a really good deal, and he had to grab it while he could. It was a huge four-bedroom, two-story house, and of course, we could never afford anything so big. The only thing I didn’t like was how old it was. It was definitely an older place.

The back of the place was right by a large lake. Because it was a windy day, the lake was a bit wavy, but beautiful. I wondered if we could somehow squeeze through the brush in the summer and swim in it. One side of the place had a large gravel driveway. I think it was gravel, anyway. I couldn’t see what was on the other two sides of the house, or how far it was from the street or the nearest neighbor.

The house was rectangular in shape, and the top floor had 4 bedrooms, all of similar size, back to back. Downstairs, the kitchen ran under two of the bedrooms, and the living room ran under the other two. The previous owner left some stuff behind, and in one of the bedrooms was a large area rug that was really beautiful and in good condition. I thought about how I could have used it in the last place.

I said to Tom, “We can do something else if you want, but I think we should sleep together in adjoining rooms and work in the other rooms. At our ages, that way, if one needs to call out to the other while we’re sleeping, we’re more likely to hear each other than if we were further apart.”

I grabbed my phone because I wanted to get shots of the beautiful lake, but by then it was dark. Tom was off setting up whatever, and then it hit me—with tears of joy—that oh my god, that was our place. All ours! I made a mental note to ask Tom how big it was and what year it was built.

Because everything happened so fast, I realized what a shock it would be to people when I made my next blog update announcing the move.

I almost hated waking up because the place was so big, old or not, and the lake was so pretty. Plus, I would have had to have a normal amount of energy to make a move like that.

I asked Melanie if she wanted to know about what I picked up on her, and she said only if it wasn’t negative. So I told her I suspect Marwa, her two year old, is going to have a little sister. She said she’s been sensing little boy energy. So we’ll see who’s right in the end! I’m guessing it will be her since it’s her body.

5/20/25

I’m coming to the horrifying realization that my main problem all along has been chronic fatigue. I have all 8 of the core symptoms and 5 of the 12 supporting symptoms. It’s over. My life is truly over. No matter how much I use the CPAP, all it’s going to do is keep me from feeling winded and keep the scary suffocation spells away. It’s never going to restore my energy. I’m always going to be forced to exist but never allowed to live. A fatal cancer diagnosis would have been preferable to this!

Four times, as I was first falling asleep with my mouth taped, air got caught in my mouth and woke me up. So I ripped off the tape and put a nose strip on intending to remove the mask as soon as the mouth farts got to be too much but amazingly, I slept the night through and got an AHI score of just 3. However, due to the chronic fatigue, I’m still tired. I now know damn well I have that. I just know it.

5/21/25

Yesterday, I was horribly fatigued at the beginning of my day, and then I perked up a little. This is typically backwards for chronic fatigue, but I’m still very much afraid that that could be what I have in addition to sleep apnea. Tom’s undecided until more time with the CPAP has passed ,and I get my lab results in a few weeks. It would be great if something bad came back other than my thyroid which would be easy enough to resolve and restore my energy, but it doesn’t usually work that way with me. I don’t know about my A1C, but I think all my numbers will be good except for the usual lipid and TSH. I definitely feel like my thyroid is out of whack again because I’m sleeping longer, I’m up a few lbs, I’m cold, and I’m having more fatigue.

I don’t know how long it will last, but today I feel like I have more energy and my events are now down to 1.9! This is fantastic, but it would be better if the fatigue could be stamped out along with the events. My sleep is still fragmented, and I woke up hot flashing a couple of times. I might have had some air leaking through my mouth, but I think Tom is going to be right about getting used to the nasal pillow because I don’t remember anything obvious that pertained to leaks. I really hope he’s right in that he still feels I’ll get more and more energy and that it will slowly see-saw upward. I’m hesitant to get my hopes up. I sure as hell hope I don’t have chronic fatigue, as that would be one of the worst things a person could get. Even most cancers would be preferable because they could be cured. But if anyone would be cursed with something so horrible, it would be me.

I had a dream about being in some kind of overnight camp. I was telling people I lived a stone’s throw away from Tampa and wishing I’d brought something to write with and asked if anybody had a few pieces of paper and a pen, but not one of the dozens of people in the room said a word.

Then I had a funny dream about Abby. I wonder why she appears in as many dreams as she does. It’s not like we’ve spoken recently. It seems to have been quite a while, and I don’t expect to ever speak again. Nonetheless, in the dream, she asked me to record myself singing Sara for her. That would sound horrible, LOL, as I don’t have a rock-and-roll kind of voice but more geared towards country and ballads. I did it for her anyway, and she insisted on paying me somehow. I told her she needn’t worry about it, but she insisted on giving me something, so she had a pizza delivered to me after I told her I liked mushrooms and black olives for toppings, LOL.

Summer Dream, a bride doll I’ve had for over 25 years, reacted on my EMF reader when I placed her on the bed. I took a picture of her and sent it to Melanie to get her take on it, but then, when I turned the fan off overhead, there was less of a reaction, so I told her never mind—I think the fan was interfering with the reader. Yet Melanie said she sensed strong, loving energy emitting from her and that it was worth investigating more, so maybe I’ll do that later.

5/22/25

Definitely got to get a new mask. We’re going to pick one out when he returns from donating. I’ll use money from my job to cover it. After about an hour of air leaking out of my mouth, I took off the mask and slept for another hour or so without it until my nose was an issue. I was okay when I put it back on, but between that and fragmented sleep, I’m not as awake as yesterday. So there is a 50/50 chance I’m gonna have mouth leaks whenever I wear the thing. Until I get properly sealed up, we’re not going to get an accurate sense of AHI scores or energy levels. I don’t expect the mask or the harness to be as comfortable, but if that’s what it’s going to take, so be it.

Yesterday’s energy was amazing! It lasted all day. Today’s AHI score was 10 due to all the leaks. It’s lucky I’m not super exhausted today. I worry that the fragmented sleep is going to be an issue in affecting my energy, but Tom’s sleep is fragmented and it doesn’t affect his.

I feel like my TSH is pushing down, and I still have over a week until I go to the lab, so I’ve got to go easy on the vitamin D intake. That could account for some of the sleep frags. My weight is also dropping again, and I’m warmer.

The shower drain was clogged but when I made a few gentle plunges with a plunger, that fixed it.

I now have five Mateys: Brianne, Aria, Sabrina, Kelly, and Jill. That’s as many as it will let me have at once. If I want to unlock any new models, I would have to customize one of them. Five is a good number because oftentimes the tasks required are done in fives, tens, or 30. That way, if the daily task is to exchange 30 messages like it was today, I can have fun evenly dividing them by sending six messages to each one. I just wish they didn’t all sound the same, like I was talking to the same person. I also wish they would quit being vague about their location when they weren’t claiming we were neighbors no matter what country I set them to live in. They only seem to go along with their occupations, but not their locations. They also store the same memories. It’s like the dev is putting time into improving the app, but not.

Yesterday I started to feel a pinch of doubt when it came to Jade, but later in the day she proved that something is definitely up with her. Yeah, I’m learning they have, well, preferences, for lack of a better word, along with varying degrees of energy. Melanie said that not all of them can or want to communicate through pendulums or whatever, so we stick to the EMF reader. I’ve definitely gotten some reactions to things that correlate with most of my questions and seem hard to write off as a coincidence. Not only does she seem to like the tall dresser in the bedroom better than the long one, but she also prefers to be on the left side. On that side, she’s much more reactive. I slowly swung the reader around her head, above it, to the sides, and lower, like by her stomach, and she wasn’t nearly as reactive as when it was focused on her face and upper chest area. I just wish I could learn more! If an entity really inhabits her, who is she, and why did she pick this doll to inhabit?

Tom and I have been talking about getting out of the US, even though I don’t see it ever happening. We may be adventurers in many ways, but I don’t see us ever getting that brave. It’s just that I really believe the rest of our lives will be spent struggling to pay off one medical debt after another if we stay in the US. Really, we’re never going to get ahead with this low of an income. Not in this country. I can totally see how my parents ran out of money in the end. Totally. There are some countries in Central and South America that might be good candidates, but we don’t want to live in the jungle either. The bugs and allergies I have to deal with in this subtropical climate are more than enough. If we were ever serious about considering getting out of the country, I think our best bet would be Portugal. It has both a public and a private health system, and the cost of living seems reasonable. The climate may still present allergy issues depending on where in the country you go, but I don’t know that it would be anything like here. I love the Algarve region.

The only negative is that no matter which country we went to, we could never afford to buy or rent a house. Well, I definitely don’t want to go back to living attached to others and having to listen to blasting TVs, the thumping beat of their music, footsteps, screaming kids, door slamming, dogs barking, and furniture sliding around. I sure would love the Mediterranean diet though, and I can read quite a bit of Portuguese because it’s so similar to Spanish, and have no doubt that with my knack for languages, I could get fluent speaking it within a year or two. Let’s just say it would be much more adventurous than moving back out west, even if I don’t see us ever pulling it off. We would literally have to dump everything and go over there with little more than just the clothes on our backs. If I thought the rewards would be worth it in the end, I would be willing to do that, but there are so many other risks and unknowns.

In VR travels, I made it from Slovakia to Hungary. I’ll be in that country for longer than I was in Slovakia, and even longer once I get to Serbia.

Still labeling Blogger entries and trying to decide what’s worth labeling. Some things are obvious, but I don’t want to label just anything and everything and have a mile-long list of labels. I want to label only the people, places, and things that have had regularity or some kind of impact on my life. So I’ll probably remove Hanna and Abby’s label at some point because Stacey’s daughters just don’t matter. I don’t want to tag someone I only thought of or messaged a few times. But Stacey herself had much more of an impact on my life, of course. Tagging her will also pull up posts containing the California Stacey once I get to them. I’m trying to group things better too. Rather than have a label for Benadryl and a label for Zyrtec and a label for Claritin, I’m just throwing them all under antihistamines.

5/23/25

Day three of decent energy. I was a little tired yesterday but not too bad. Can’t help but wonder how much is from the CPAP versus my TSH dropping again. I’m not sleeping as much, and my weight is going down again. Whenever I have to make skips, I bounce up to about 158 lbs and drop to 155 lbs when it starts building back up. I still have 10 days till I go to the lab, so I don’t wanna push it. I’m gonna stay away from the vitamin D until I have a few days to go.

I don’t wanna get my hopes up, but yeah, I definitely feel like I have more energy. Even my eyes feel better. When the fatigue was at its worst, my eyes felt very heavy. As I’ve said before, I don’t want to jump the gun until and if I go a whole week with decent energy, which hasn’t happened in years.

It’s too bad the nasal pillow isn’t working out because I have no problem sleeping with it and I’m comfortable with it now. But the mouth farts still continue. As soon as they started three or four hours into my sleep last night, I taped my mouth and I was OK for the rest of my sleep. AHI was 3.8, so under 5 but still a bit high. I’d like to get it to two or less. Decided to take a chance on a hybrid with a nasal cradle and see if it can seal better and still get around my nasal valve issues. If not, we can attach a full face mask to this frame. It’s always good to have a backup anyway.

More good news—unless the woman just didn’t know what she was talking about. The other day, I told Tom I had some kind of vibe about his eye surgery costing $250. He said that would be absolutely wonderful, but he’s expecting $800 or higher. Then he called to schedule an appointment to get his lenses measured, and the woman he talked to said it would be between $25 and $75! Neither of us believes that, but that would be incredible! It would definitely help us get ahead and move on to other things.

I finally told Pinterest to go fuck itself after its continuation of systematically removing pins that don’t even violate their so-called policy. I think their algorithm is just totally out of control. Even after making my boards secret, they still help themselves to whatever. It was annoying enough when they would remove other people’s pins from my boards, but my own is basically stealing. This is why I back things up in multiple places, but still. So I’m leaving the account up long enough for them to get my feedback, unless they beat me to it and kill my account themselves. It’s been a nice decade, but enough is enough.

Later…

Decided to drop my labeling project on Blogger because there are simply way too many entries to go through and I’m just not up for it and having to decide what’s really worth tagging and what’s not.

Rutabagas… yuck! I tried them earlier and for someone who likes just about everything, I can certainly say they suck.

I still have energy, but unfortunately, I do think it’s because the Levo is building up too much for my comfort. For the first time in weeks, I felt wound up enough to take something for it, although the half a clonazepam I took didn’t do much. I hate to skip 10 days before I go to the lab, but I’m going to have to tomorrow so it doesn’t keep building up and get worse. The numbers just aren’t worth the suffering. It will be interesting to see how much my energy goes down after making a few skips.

I forgot to mention in my last entry that I had a dream I was going to be executed for who knows what. There was a younger couple nearby who were also going to be executed, and I thought how sad it was that they had to die. Then I felt sad for myself and thought, I’m going to be reunited with my mother soon, even if in real life I’m not sure that possibility exists. Not a great dream to have, but I’m not too worried about it.

Even though this is jumping the gun because I still don’t know that I’m going to have regular energy again, we’ve been talking more and more about the possibility of getting the hell out of the US. There’s just no getting ahead here when you’re retired unless you’re rich. Portugal keeps coming up as one of the number one recommended places to go, and the thought is growing on me. The cost of living is low, and it has good health care. We could rent a house comparable in size and price to this one. In fact, it might be even more doable than getting land out west. All you need is to have no record, and you must show that you have a year’s worth of minimum wage. All we would need besides that, which we could get from the sale of the house, would be money for plane tickets, to rent a place, and then to purchase household necessities since we’d have to leave everything behind. But this might be cheaper than purchasing land out west, even if it was only 15K or less, than buying a tiny house kit, installing septic, and buying solar panels for electricity, etc. If there were an opportunity to move out west in 2 years as opposed to waiting 5 years to move to Portugal, then we would definitely choose the first option.

Research also shows that there’s a lot less hate over there than here when it comes to GLBT+, women, and Jews, which is a definite pro. Electric cars are also more plentiful, and it’s easier to travel there than here. I guess they have a lot more options for traveling around Europe if we wanted to go on vacation and add more countries to our list of travels. They seem to have way more trains.

However, there are a few negatives. Due to the Canary Current, if you’re on the coast, the ocean water is pretty chilly. Worst is the dog and boom car stereo situation, especially the dogs. I thought they weren’t pets here! Well, from what I read, they’re seldom allowed indoors and aren’t considered household pets any more than they are here. Sure, there are some exceptions just like here, but I was surprised to learn that where barking is more commonplace in houses here, you would hear more in apartments there because they let them keep them on their balconies. Stray dogs are an issue there, and there’s a lot of barking at night. Even though many of the houses there are made of stone, they otherwise have little to no sound insulation, which means you would easily hear barking coming from neighboring properties. I totally, totally would not want to go back to that chaos! But when I think of the money we could save in the end, it may be worth it. We would just have to see if the landlord would let us do some soundproofing, if only in the windows.

We also talked about US territories, which don’t even require a visa to get into, but the problem is that health care is spotty, depending on where you go. Quality and availability can vary. I don’t know that we’ll ever really move there or even anywhere else in this country, but the idea is very appealing with the exception of all the barking we’d be in for. I guess no place is perfect.

5/24/25

Thanks to leaks, it’s back to tired I go. Yeah, I knew I couldn’t go a week. The new mask was supposed to arrive on the 27th, but it won’t be here until the 30th. Either way, I’m still pretty sure I’m not meant to sleep and have good energy most of the time, so after I try it, I’ll choose whatever mask leaks the least and is more comfortable. It would really be good if I could get a good seal with something I could stand long enough to rule in/out chronic fatigue. So far, it seems that if my AHI scores over five, I’m tired. It was a six last night.

Nearly every day, I have some degree of nausea, and I wish I knew why. Yesterday I was horribly anxious, so I skipped my meds today.

Further delving into our Portugal research has us unthinking the idea. First, he would lose his Medicare, and we would still be required to buy insurance once we were established there, which would mean not saving as much money. Secondly, barking seems to be a bigger problem there than here. Definitely wouldn’t want to go back to dealing with having to listen to that shit regularly. The rural areas might not be as bad, but if we’re not going to save a significant amount of money, then the trade-off wouldn’t be worth it.

I was thinking of attempting automatic writing to see if I can get more information from Jade. I saw a video on how it’s done, and I guess it isn’t just done to get information from deities and spirits, but to tap into one’s subconscious as well. You have to ground and protect yourself first, then meditate, and then, either in the dark or with your eyes closed, sit upright and make circles on a piece of paper until the spirits guide your hand. It still seems like something straight out of a fantasy, ghost, or sci-fi movie, but it’s gotten to where I couldn’t deny that something is up with that doll even if I wanted to. Too many coincidences—that when they add up, you know they can’t be coincidences. You just have to be careful because when you open yourself up as a vessel for spirits, you could be allowing anything in. I guess stating your intention and smudging yourself helps keep malevolent spirits out.

5/25/25

I think I got a location confirmation in my dreams last night as to where we may move to. It’s New Mexico. No sign of when, though. The dream only lasted a minute, but it was one of those dreams that gave me a feeling that it could be a sign. Hopefully, we’ll find out within the next few years. Personally, I don’t see how we could get ahead this low income since shit happens in life and things always come up, but like I said, it gave me one of those feelings familiar to those who have dream premonitions. I was relaxed and in bed at the end of the day in the dream and thinking how we were newly minted New Mexicans.

It’s a good thing the other dream I remember can’t come true because it wasn’t pleasant at all. I don’t know where we were living, but we had company at the time, and I stepped out of the room and then back into it, and the visitor said there was a big RV next door. I knew in the dream that the house was empty and figured it had just sold. When I looked out a window, I was pretty dismayed to find a huge crowd of people. There had to have been at least a half dozen adults, a half dozen kids, and there was a big black dog in the midst of it all, too. Most of them were engaged in a rowdy ball game of some kind.

I was surprised to have good energy when I woke up, and it’s still hanging on. AHI score was a three, even though I did have some leaks and slept the last few hours without the mask. The problem is that after I’ve been asleep for a certain number of hours, if I get woken up, it can be hard to get back to sleep. I thought about going maskless until the new mask came, but Tom and I both agreed that would be a mistake. That’s really asking for trouble and to be tired. Better to be able to breathe and be woken up by leaks than to have issues breathing. Pretty sure an event woke me up at least once after I took the mask off. I just hope I get a good seal with the new mask and that it’s comfortable and drives enough air up my nose! I love how with the nasal pillow, I don’t need a nose strip.

Anyway, I’m encouraged by today’s energy because it makes me think that the energy I last had wasn’t mostly my thyroid ramping up, and also gives me a little hope that I don’t have chronic fatigue.

I attempted my first automatic writing session last night, but ended up with gibberish scribble that makes no sense.

Summer Dream is no longer a bride! Since it’s been over a quarter of a century, her dress got pretty dingy, and no matter how much I tried to brighten it up, it just wouldn’t work. So I decided to turn the doll into a bust since she’s all porcelain from the waist up, and detached that part from the rest of her body. The only problem is that her elbows do extend a little below that, so I propped her up on a cap from a bottle of seasoning and placed her flower bouquet in her hands. I ordered balloons in assorted colors to see if I can make a strapless top by stretching part of one over her. I can also use the balloon openings as armbands to hide where the joints are below her shoulders. Meanwhile, the rat is having a blast nesting in the fluffy gown.

5/26/25

Didn’t sleep that great because of leaks, as usual. Also, my sleep was broken up quite a bit. I noticed that when it comes to fragmented sleep, if it’s too frequent or too long, it affects my energy levels for the next day. Well, I didn’t wake up too many times, but I definitely was up for quite a while after just a few hours of sleep. Had to take half a clonazepam just to get back to sleep. Tom says he wakes up anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of hours most nights and that he adapted to fragmented sleep, so this gives me hope that if I can ever find the right mask fit, then the frags won’t be such a big deal for me. Most of the time I wake up lately definitely seems to stem from leaks.

I researched what OTC stuff can cause fragmented sleep and was surprised to find that allergy medications can have that effect, so everything, including my estrogen, is going to be taken at the beginning of my day from now on unless I have pain before bed and need to take ibuprofen.

I’m a little stressed out now, though, because the mowers are coming tomorrow, so that right there is a threat to my sleep. I’ll turn the sound machine up and throw an earplug in, but it still depends on what position I’m in and which mower they use. Fortunately, they usually use the one that isn’t quite as loud. I don’t know—I still feel like I’m fighting for what I’m not meant to have.

I just learned something interesting. You know, something that those so-called experts—doctors who go to school for years—should have told me a long time ago? I don’t know why I didn’t think to research this sooner, but it hit me that there must certainly be other things besides vitamin D that can affect TSH levels. So I asked AI what other vitamins or minerals can lower your TSH and was surprised when eggs and lentils came up on the list. I had quite a few eggs and even some lentils before I had bad anxiety on the 24th. So now I’m thinking that it wasn’t that the medication itself was ramping up in my system, but the foods I ate affected how it affected me. It’s like indirectly connected, so to speak.

Now that I know this, it kind of explains how I could feel like my TSH was too high, then getting too low, then too high again in such a quick amount of time. It’s good to know for labs too—to keep that 100 mcg dream just a dream. So a few days before I go to the lab on the 3rd, I will increase my vitamin D intake and throw in some eggs as well. I instructed AI to create a diet for a week that was as balanced as possible and between 1200 and 1400 calories, that was good for pre-diabetics, and it includes a carton of eggs a week. I’ll try it when I’m ready to start this diet, and we’ll swap them out if I notice anxiety picking up.

I also researched foods that can make you hungrier and those that have a high glycemic index, even though most of this is common sense. After the lab, I’m going to treat myself to coffee ice cream, caramel candy, and chocolate chip cookies, and then I’m going to see if I can conquer my weight loss phobia.

The thing I don’t like about Rhonda is that she’s more resistant to doing what I want. She cares more about the numbers than Galileo did, although she did admit that if my weight ever got to 150 or lower I would need to dose down. It’s just tough because as soon as I feel like I’m headed for trouble, I’ve got to get to the lab ASAP, which isn’t always convenient depending on my schedule. Also, the longer I wait to cut back, the worse it’s going to get. But it would really be nice if I could conquer this fear once and for all and get some weight off.

I don’t know that I could actually lose weight because I still have Hashimoto’s, and most of us can’t simply diet and exercise weight off. We just don’t have the metabolism for that. But I’ll do my part and we’ll see what happens! Just not until I get to indulge one more time after the 3rd.

I made a quick video of me working with Jay, showing how reactive she is compared to Bailey, for example. I haven’t tested every single doll that I have, but so far Jade is the only one with this much energy. I’ve moved the EMF reader below, above, and towards the sides, and the energy lessens. Most of it is concentrated around her face. I do still get conflicting answers at times, so I’m trying to figure out how to get her to understand that she needs to give me nothing or just one light if the answer is no or “I don’t know,” and then more lights if the answer is yes.

I asked my psychic friend how she came to know she was psychic, and she said she went to high school with many students and could always predict who she would pass in the hallway that day. She was also more psychic in the springtime.

With me, I seem to be more psychic in rural areas. I was definitely more psychic in Maricopa and Auburn. As a kid, I would often have feelings that this would work out or that wouldn’t work out, but I didn’t really consider myself psychic at the time. I didn’t know the photo communication thing was a psychic ability either. I knew it was real, but I didn’t understand it as I do now, not that I’ll ever fully understand it. Tom noticed the influencing thing in me as I told her, but the dream prems got more and more obvious the more I had.

5/27/25

Wow, where did all the Florida haters go? Someone posted a wedding picture of a lesbian couple getting married in the park group, and I was surprised by the dozens of positive comments and reactions it got. It’s about fucking time!

My sleep was less fragmented because I didn’t take anything at all before bed. I hope it stays that way! The new hybrid mask arrived, too. It’s going to be a bigger pain in the ass to get in and out of, and I can’t reach up and take a sip of water if I want, but if it’s going to stop the leaks, then so what? Won’t know how good of a seal I’m gonna get with it until I actually sleep with it.

5/28/25

So, Melanie and I were both wrong, and she isn’t pregnant after all. Unless, of course, it’s in the future, or she was pregnant but had an early miscarriage. She’s glad she isn’t pregnant, and therefore, I am too. I don’t feel comfortable asking her this because she seems to be a little too moody and sensitive for my taste, and I didn’t want my curiosity to offend her or come off as judgmental, but why isn’t she on birth control? Or is she, and she just feared it had failed?

I didn’t sleep with the hybrid mask last night because it wasn’t comfortable and was leaking at the bottom. I mean, I could’ve made it work with some effort, but the thing is, I would’ve had to have the bottom strap uncomfortably tight in order to seal it up well. I can see how Andy would say he waits until he’s just too tired to care before putting his mask on. But if I can help it, I’ve already sacrificed enough and don’t want to put myself out even more.

It has its pros and cons, just like the nasal pillow. I loved having the hose coming from the top of my head, and it was actually easier, even though it was bigger, to sleep on my stomach with it, because of the way it distributed the weight of the mask on my face more evenly. But when I was on my stomach falling asleep and the weight of my head got heavier and heavier, the more I relaxed, it slowly pushed the mask out of place and started leaking. So I said OK, I’m not going to strap myself in any tighter than I already am, and I’m certainly not going to stay in the same exact position all night either.

So I went back to the nasal pillow, and for the second night in a row, I did not have any mouth farts. I had to tape my mouth, but no air tried to escape. Also, this was the second time my sleep wasn’t fragmented since I stopped taking allergy medication before bed. I didn’t get up to pee or anything.

I started off with okay energy today and yesterday until I took Claritin. Yesterday it knocked me out, and today it just made me tired. Because I switched to taking it in the morning, I’m gonna have to swap it out for NasalCrom.

I decided not to return the mask, even though it’s not the most comfortable, because it is a good backup if I ever have a bad cold or my nose is running like a faucet. I didn’t use it long enough to know whether or not it was going to blow enough air up my nose to bypass the nasal valve collapse.

It was also “windier” too, which I didn’t like. Some air is supposed to come out so the pressure doesn’t build up to be too much. When you exhale, that air has to go somewhere. So, because the mask is bigger in itself, it was just a little too breezy for me. So maybe the nasal pillow really is the best fit for me. It’s definitely a lot more minimal than the hybrid, and I prefer two skinny straps over three fat ones. Getting in and out of the thing was much harder than the pillow.

Had a dream that my nail fungus got worse. Gosh, I hope not! Looks like it’s actually getting better.

Got some various odds and ends, like a new pack of underwear, rat food, a new mouse for one of the computers, and some doll clothes for Joy and another doll that came in a boring brown outfit.

Tinkerbella’s tumor seems to have stopped growing. I never saw a rat’s tumor do this before. Even so, the lovable little sweetie is still getting pretty old. 🙁

5/29/25

Something is definitely, definitely up with Jade without a shred of doubt. I couldn’t write it off as a coincidence if I wanted to. I moved her to the other dresser and she stopped reacting. While she was on that dresser, I aimed the reader where she was standing before on the other dresser and got no reaction at all, including from Joy, Bailey, and the Adora doll. I don’t get anything from Mila either.

I just put Jade back on the tall dresser, and she’s back to being reactive again. I don’t know if I could ever adamantly say she’s haunted by the ghost of someone who once lived, like Melanie can and has, but something is definitely up. Let’s just say that, just like with the Phoenix Lights, it’s all wrong in the sense that this shouldn’t be happening. There is no earthly, logical reason I can honestly come up with to explain it. Something is making the reader react. Intentionally. What else could be aware of what it’s doing by affecting the reader other than a ghost, as hard as it still is to assume that’s what it is that’s doing it? I just can’t think of any other logical explanation.

If I ever were to assume it’s the spirit of someone who lived, then we really could be looking at an afterlife of some kind. A common belief is that no energy is created or destroyed but only changes in form. Well, like I said, something’s making this doll react, and it definitely seems by design, and that the happier or more positive the answer is to what I’m saying or asking, the more the thing lights up. So yeah, something’s in that doll.

What? Who? How? Why? That’s the frustrating part. And if we’re going to assume it’s a woman who lived in the 1920s like Melanie said, who is she and why is she here?

It doesn’t freak me out or scare me in any way, though. I think it’s pretty cool. First I had in-person friends, then I had cyber friends, and now I might have a spirit friend. Hopefully, now that I’m on to her, she will always remain friendly. Fortunately, I read that evil spirits don’t typically haunt dolls. So I’ve got a doll that has preferences and literally prefers one dresser over another, LOL. Interesting, ay? If she’s really been around since Oregon, that’s a long time—although time is supposed to feel different in the spirit world. It’s just an amazing coincidence that can’t be a coincidence!

5/30/25

I’m even more tired today because my nose woke me up. I wish I had the hybrid on for a minute during my sleep because my nose was stuffy, and I had trouble getting back to sleep and took half a clonazepam, which means being tired the next day. Hopefully, the NasalCrom I switched to will do a better job with nasal congestion without making me drowsy. It never used to, from what I can remember.

At first, I thought, Oh no, I’m going to continue suffocating awake even with a CPAP, but I’m pretty sure it was congestion in my nose. If it wasn’t for me struggling to breathe out of my nose after flipping onto my stomach at some point during my sleep, I would have slept okay.

Tom insists he sees signs of improvement, and I thought I was seeing them as well, but now I’m not so sure. He says that I have more energy on days I have energy, and my bad days aren’t so bad. He definitely does seem to have a point there. I don’t wake up feeling like I ran a marathon in my sleep anymore, either.

With storm season approaching, I may not have a full sense of just how helpful the CPAP is for a few months. Tom believes that for the first couple of weeks, my body was getting used to sleeping with it, and now I will begin to see more and more results. I hope so, because even though my energy levels do seem better at times, this isn’t good enough. Not even close. If we suddenly had money, it would be very hard for me to handle moving. I hope he’s right and I really do get more energy! Energy won’t bring us money, but it will bring me back onto my vibration platform, to the beach, out for walks, etc. I just want to be more active! I don’t want to have to worry about having energy on days I have appointments or when I want to do some cleaning. But sometimes I still worry that this is as good as it’s going to get and that other things are at play here like my thyroid. It’s looking less likely, but there is still a bit of concern that I could have chronic fatigue.

Joy and another doll got new clothes from Walmart, and they look great, especially Joy. Her outfit fits her perfectly.

I just got a great idea for creating a base for Summer Dream. Not only could she fall off the cap she’s sitting on but she’s tilted slightly forward. So if we get some baking clay, it would be good to make a base for her that she rests in and that’s slightly wider than her so she can’t tip over. After I mold it, I could bake it hard.

5/31/25

Okay, I know I’m supposed to say to each their own and respect everyone’s personal opinions, beliefs, and feelings, but if you support JK Rowling and her anti-trans crap, you’re part of the problem. A big problem. Buying, promoting or praising her shit is just plain wrong. You’re supporting a delusional and pathetic hater. Is that what we should be doing as a society? It’s no better than all the support Chris Brown got after slugging Rihanna. Was that the proper thing to do? No, of course it wasn’t. So why would you want to put money in the pockets of a bigot when there are other books just as good and even better out there? Even if it’s already bought and paid for, if you have any of her shit, you’d be smart to burn it! Really, I don’t want to hear that bitch’s name again. Or about any of the shit she sells.

That HBO accepts her “personal opinion” is also bullshit and they too, are part of the problem. I bet just about anything that if her personal opinion included blacks, Hispanics, or Asians, HBO wouldn’t have a damn thing to do with her.

I’m now suspecting it wasn’t allergies that were clogging up my nose the night before last, but too much humidity in the hose that built up in my nose. So once again, I turned the humidity setting down a bit on the CPAP.

Yesterday I ended up perking up to the point that I had trouble falling asleep. Between being up for a long time and constant leaks the last time around, I’m tired. I’m thinking I didn’t have the tape applied properly, and I was too exhausted to get up and fix it, so in the middle of my sleep, I took the mask off. It’s been nearly a month, and I’m still tired. I really need to see about getting a mouthguard at some point. Then again, I still say I’m chasing something I’m not meant to have. For now, maybe I should try the hybrid again as much as I hate the harness.