I’m wondering if being with you would’ve been a blessing or a curse?
We had everything, we were perfectly bonded, no sharp edges, no pointy corners, no thorns or wounds. We had a terrifying connection, sensing each other through time and space.
We were perfect, yet you chose to push away.
I think 6 years being together would’ve been enough time for you to make a decision. It was certainly for me.
And when I proposed, the real you came out.
Disaster, chaos, lies and deceit. So many lies.
I couldn’t believe you were the same person I wanted to grow old with few days ago.
You kept me on a leash for years, like Amy Winehouse said “And life is like a pipe, and I’m a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside’.
It’s been 16 years. I thought I had finally detached myself from the concept of you, the very lingering essence of you that wrapped me from dawn till dusk and then through the whole night; occupied, swallowed by the sweet, gentle-compassion you showered me with endlessly.
I made the mistake of looking you up on social media recently, and all the “What Ifs’ have broken down the fort door and invaded my mind again.
I thought this was going to turn into a battle like the old times. Deep pit of pathetic, pitiful depression and popping sleeping pills like crazy.
But none of that happened. The invading army of regrets, forgotten desires and wishes just vanished into nothingness. Poof. Gone.
I had a pleasant night sleep and now I’m at work, laboring happily listening to music.
It took 16 years to wash off your scent and sentiments off me.
I wonder if you ever found any self-affirming happiness in your decisions.
I’m going to end this book here.
Like Bjork said
I found a song that understood me, and I’m very happy with that. I posted that in my last entry.
What am I gonna do when I’m no longer unhappy over you?
And who’s gonna turn me out and be all I ever sit and think about?
I believe I’ve finally made peace and found the perfect harmonious, happy place in my solitary life where I’m a fully functional person without the burden of emotional neglect, any form of self-harm and hate. I’m healthy, mentally and physically and I want to continue on this path.
My next entry should be in a new book, a new book for me.
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