Good heavens I feel like the Blob from Hell lately. My husband probably feels the same way about me. I’m sure he’s annoyed with me right now bc having a depressed wife is pretty annoying. oh well. We’ll get through this just like everything else.
I tried to talk to him today about needing a change until I can find some meds that work well for me. He said he has no ideas. His one idea was the I go ‘home’ and get away from it all but the problem is we don’t have money for a flight.
I told him I AM HOME. This is my home. Where my parents are? That’s just where they live. This is my home. He said I should get away from all that stresses me and my depression would go away. I wish it was that easy.
I told him that even though I wouldn’t be near my babies, I would still worry about him and them and miss everyone a lot. Plus, being in a different state doesn’t make depression simply go away.
He has no other ideas. What happened to that plan we made after I got out of the hospital last time? What about alone time for me, exercising 3-4 times a week and eating healthy? Nope, he doesn’t wanna do those things with me anymore.
So, he’s got nothing. Plus he managed to make me cry in telling me that he’s disappointing in me. I apparently think there’s no meds out there that will ever help me and I don’t think I’ll ever get better. Plus I am stuck in a rut that I don’t think I’ll ever get out of. He doesn’t think I will either.
I laughed at all this. Isn’t he supposed to be helping me? Isn’t that what marriage is about?
Am I supposed to be optimistic about the future of my depression? Is the thought that some day in the future they may find some miracle drug that works for me, different from all the other drugs I’ve tried that don’t work, supposed to make me feel happy today? Happy enough to get through everyday like I’m just fine? Is that supposed to be enough?
Oh well, I’m sorry I keep bringing up depression. I’m sure my husband is sick of hearing about it. I’d be surprised if you guys weren’t either.
Tosh had his circumcision (finally) yesterday. Everything went fine. This time he didn’t sneak in any cookies before leaving for the hospital. Procedure went well. Came home after getting some McDonalds. Made dinner, gave Tosh lots of pain meds, poor lil guy. he didn’t even go back to sleep until night time. He didn’t go to bed early or wake up early even though the nurses said the anesthesia would be in his system for 24 hours.
He’s a strong boy tho. He hasn’t asked for a single dose of pain killer today. I’ve asked and he says he’s not in pain! He’s tough like his dad, thank goodness! I have to apply antibacterial cream a lot. He can not do anything physical for 2 weeks and he gets to miss school on Monday. After that, he should be back to everything normal.
I got him in to see his regular doctor. She made a referral to see the developmental peds department. This will be his 3rd time there and my 2nd time in 2 months! (one time for Teagan but he is fine)
I am thinking Tosh’s symptoms most strongly resemble those of Asbergers. I just really need a diagnosis so I can start attacking this thing to help him. I need to know HOW to help him best bc everything I’ve tried doesn’t seem to work. I’ve tried every parenting technique I know. I’ve been reading books, consulting with other moms and my own mom. I have had lots of pained discussions with my husband. Tosh just has his own way of doing everything and that way is so foreign to us, his own parents, that we often don’t understand what he is/was thinking.
So a diagnosis for my uncooperative, short attention spanned child will be a blessing from heaven. Not that I am due for any anytime soon.
I do realize how truly blessed I am. Tosh’s surgery went off without a single hitch! My house is beautiful, my kids are awesome, my baby makes me laugh everyday, my husband truly cares for me, we are not unhealthy, we are not in major debt, we have everything we need and most everything we want. I shouldn’t really be asking for anything more at all. I know I have more than most.
So not too much else going on lately. There was a book swap at school that the kids were all too happy to go to. Samya is getting far better at reading, although still slow, but Tosh has stalled out. he only reads for his teachers at school. Teagan is still not talking yet but I’m not worried. he does a ton of cute baby chatter. it makes no sense but it is super darn cute to listen to. Plus he doesn’t mind snuggling for like 5 seconds at a time, so I’ll take it. I can actually tell he loves me, and this is the best feeling in the world.
I was able to get FREE meals and school bus rides for the kids. Turns out I was filling out the school lunch application forms all wrong. That’ll save us money on buying food for home lunch and breakfast, plus the 72 bucks it costs quarterly to put Sam on the bus twice a day. Should save us some money but it doesn’t look like it’s helped yet. Always seems like we’re getting more and more bills.
We looked up how much it would cost to get rid of cable. two hundred twenty bucks, which is twice what we usually pay each month. So if we were smart, we’d save money up to cancel, but where can we save it from? All our money leaves the bank as soon as it comes in. Oh well. We’ve always had money issues but it comes with life. I’m trying not to let it get me down.
Ben keeps putting back applying to the board for Helicopter/warrant office school. It’s not totally his fault since he’s waiting for his commanders to finish their recommendations for his flight packet. It just makes me mad when he can’t go anywhere in his job. He can not change his circumstances and comes home completely stressed from work most days. He has way too many responsibilities placed on him bc he is one of only a few dependable and good soldiers. He does the jobs of many officers that rank above him bc they suck at life or their jobs, or both.
With most ppl, if their job sucks they can find a new one. Not so if you’re in the Army. Oh well
I finally feel like I have a friend (other than those related to me). TL is a woman who lives literally up a couple streets from us. She is expecting her 2nd daughter. I met her bc our daughters take the bus to school together and are BFFs. Her daughter is always over our house. I feel like I have 3 kids the same age…6/7. I like it bc I cook bigger meals when she’s over for dinner.
TL is very nice. She and I get along well. I may not make the best friend bc of my depression but she seems understanding. She is a nurse (when she’s not 9 months pregnant) so she knows enough about depression. She is very easy to talk to although she doesn’t take crap from anyone. Her husband works near my husband and they often see each other at work. Turns out her husband works on helicopters and is giving my husband the hookup for where to get recommendations from. yay!
Anyway, I’m so terribly happy to have a friend. It sounds stupid but if you’ve read anything from my past, you know I’ve been needing friends for a long time now. I am no good at making friends so it helps that she is outgoing.
So all is well around here.
Alright, lil man is crying for food now so g2g. Thanks for stopping bye. see ya’ll on the flipside. -me
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