This is something I wrote in October of 2013 - a little back ground. As usual, details don’t matter.
It’s been six months and some days and today is the first day that I can pull myself together to actually sit down and write. It’s been a constant battle to get through each day dealing with the aftermath of it all. There isn’t a day that has gone by where I haven’t thought of him and how everything went down. I’d say it’s sad, but it’s not. I was invested in us and in him.
Every morning on my drive to work, my mind wanders to the only person I ever think about. Every drive home, my mind wanders to the hidden depths that I have buried my feelings. Sometimes I have this overwhelming sadness that just takes over my whole being. It makes me so, so sad still. I have combed through every ounce of the last few weeks that we were together and all the signs were there. I wanted so badly to believe that he would never do the same thing again. If there was one thing that I did believe, it was his promise that he would never do it. How wrong I was.
People don’t understand betrayal until it happens to them. They don’t know the pain that comes with the action of that word.
Some days I’m still angry, some days I still miss him. There are days I wish I could just forget. Forget him, forget the memories, the words – forget it all. His words ring in my head every day. I just can’t wrap my head around his words, his venom…did he feel that way all the time with me?
I have days where I live through the emotional turmoil of the breakup all over again. Sometimes they string together for days where I live in this constant state of numbness.
I just don’t understand it – none of it makes sense. It hasn’t made an ounce of sense since it happened all those months ago. I’ve wracked my brain with countless situations, what could I have done to prevent this? But I always fall back to this: just like it happened the first time, there is nothing that I could have done to change the outcome.
When someone doesn’t want to stay, there is nothing that can be done to make them stay.
Ironically, he and I are wearing opposite shoes than we were wearing five years ago. Only this time, there are no more chances to be had. It’s a fight with my heart every single day to have to tell myself that we are over and that there is no way he would ever talk to me again after everything –but why would I want that?
I’ve never been so invested and so sure about someone, or something –ever. Sometimes when I sleep, the nights when I am in the deepest of all sleep, I know that somewhere his soul and mine find our way back to each other. It is a place so deep that I can snuggle into his embrace without the harshness of reality and truth, where we are two sleeping souls that are forever connected. Those nights are the only nights where I am at ease and relaxed enough to allow myself to be at peace. Silly? Maybe. Being with him, knowing he was next to me at night was the only true time that I was comfortable enough to let my guard down and just be. Sleeping next to him was always my favorite part.
We live our lives parallel to each other’s –it’s funny in a not funny kinda way. He’s everywhere and nowhere in my life. He’s friends with both of my brothers; his house is three blocks away from mine. We both got new jobs in 2013, and are coincidentally only miles from each other again. I’ll deny it anyone but I still look for his face in crowds, his truck on the streets. I’m not even sure why. His family still keeps in contact with me, from a distance of course and I make no mistake to hide nothing from them. There are reasons why they can’t let go, why I can’t let go. But has he let go?
I’ve replayed the scenarios in my head time and time again when I run into him. Will he set me up at the bar, the way I set him up in 2012? Will he enlist the help of my brother? What will my reaction be…God, I’ve thought about it all. What would I even say? I’d like to believe I’d listen to what he would have to say. I’d like to think that he’d be apologetic when we see each other, but I can’t help but think, my only response to any of his words will be: “I trusted you”.
He has no idea the repercussions of his actions have done to me. I’m not the same woman I was when we were together 5 years ago, three years ago, or seven months ago: I’ve changed. I no longer believe in marriage, or the ability to be faithful to someone no matter what obstacles get in your way. There is no more light that used to shine so bright at the thought of being in love again. It is a fear that is embedded in me so deeply, because all I know is people, who love you, leave you. Would he even notice all that he has stripped me of? He has taught me that no matter how many times you say something, my words don’t matter. It doesn’t matter how many times you prove yourself over and over again, in the end it’s not about you. Why even bother communicating with another person when they don’t care?
I’ll never forget the way he looked at me that night; like I was the bad person. Like I was the one who put all this into motion.
“I wish you would just die. I wish you dead.”
That’s precisely why I live with a constant void in my life. I am nothing more than an empty shell of a person. Nobody understands what it’s like to have the only person you’ve ever invested yourself with, punish you by betraying you. I carry this burden around with me every single day wondering if I’ll ever be done paying the price of five years ago.
He was my family. His family was mine and mine still is his. How is that remotely possible? How is it that he is still connected with me, but we are not connected physically. I used to not wonder if he ever thought about me, but these days, those thoughts consume me. We are wearing each other’s shoes. I know how this movie plays out. It’s only a matter of time before the guilt sets in, the emotions have cleared and the reality of the situation has slapped him hard in the face. I wonder how the set up will be?
He’ll never know how long I waited for him. How many mornings I have looked for that note on my windshield, a clue into his I’m sorry. I’ve envisioned finding a card on my car in the morning, or flowers being sent to my work – anything. The depth of my disappointment is unparallel to anything I’ve ever felt before.
How do you stop your heart from wanting? How do you curb the karma that you created for yourself six years ago? How do you move past this? 1250 words and I still don’t know. Since he’s wearing my shoes and I’ve always been the one to come back to him, does that mean what I think it means? Should we put a time limit on it? No, because I think I’ll be disappointed even more. Is this how he felt all those years ago?
I wish moving on was as simple as people make it. I know that I never moved on from him, even when I pretended too. He was an addiction that I just could not kick. He’s an addiction now and I’m having serious withdrawals. I don’t know how to stop wanting. How to stop wishing for what will never be.
There is a reason that I haven’t written in ages.
He haunts me in my dreams. There are nights where it feels so real that he is there with me. It’s as if none of this ever happened. We are laughing, and he is smiling and we are both carefree. There are even times where we touch, and it’s like he’s there…
I’ve woken up crying a few times, with no vivid memory of a dream, but just a feeling of tremendous loss. How does one go from loving someone every day for years to being dead to them just days later. Is it possible to feel such a loss because someone was a part of you in such a deep, emotional way? He was stitched in me and held me together, good and bad. How is it possible to lose someone over and over again, day by day, night by night?
How can I move on when he haunts me even in my dreams? They say each soul leaves the body at night and rejoins when awakens. Is it possible that his subconscious visits me at night because deep down it kills him to be away from me?
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