To this day I still have the conversation with you in my head. The one where we talk about what happened back then openly and honestly. I have a chance to explain things I’m not sure I completely understand myself. You listen and ask questions and tell me the things you were going through that I never knew. Sometimes the conversation starts between your sister and I then you hear and join in. Sometimes it’s just you and me and you start talking to me about it.
That’s how it always was when we talked. You talked to me. You started and lead the conversation. Sometimes you were the only one actually participating. But this was different. You weren’t trying to impress me. Just giving me a chance to speak in a world where I feel stifled and ignored. You might forgive me or you might not but at least you walk away from the conversation feeling differently about it. You understand my point of view a little better and maybe I do too. And maybe it doesn’t hurt so bad. Maybe you don’t hate me forever. Maybe once in a while I get included in your thoughts or invited to an event you are attending that I like too.
My mind insists on trying to play these things out realistically so it’s not a fantasy where whatever I say makes you fall in live with me again and we live happily ever after. You already have that. And I’m not sure I need or even want a happily ever after romance. But maybe there’s hope in the end, that someday I’ll have my friend back. The one I always wanted and needed more than anything.
Needless to say every time we have this conversation in my head your wife is always there glaring at me with her ice cold stare. Sometimes she’s friendlier, as she had been once in a while, but often she’s passive aggressive and it unnerved me and I can only continue because another party prompts me to, someone else also wants it resolved, wants to show mercy and provide me with closure.
But it’s been years since Ive either seen or spoken to you or anyone in your circle. I live hours away. There’s very little chance I’ll ever see you again, despite what you said last time I saw you. And I’ll probably never get the closure I need. So how do I deal? Moreover, why do I seem to need closure so badly? I don’t recall ever needing it before. Except maybe with Terry. But Id like to think that Terry, being on the otherside, knows how I felt. How much I missed him and how sad I am that hes gone. I talk to him sometimes too. I wish he had a gravestone for me to visit.
Maybe friends are too much work anyway. Maybe I don’t have many because I just don’t have the time or emotional energy to try to make them. Especially since that energy usually ends up being one sided. I’m tired of being rejected like your wife rejected me, or realizing a little too late that they have an alterior motive, like your sister did.
Maybe that year was responsible for more trauma than I realize. Maybe it wasn’t all you causing it for me either. Between your sister and your mom, and my fiance and stupid crushes and fake friends, it was a fucked up couple of years for me. But I still wish I wasn’t the reason it was fucked up for you too.
Still miss you old friend. If you ever want to come back and let me tell you how great you were for me, I’m always ready to talk to you now, and I’m ready to listen too, like I didn’t before. Love you Jay. I hope you are still so very happy.
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