I’m not sorry to anyone, just myself for doing this dis-service to myself.
I don’t know what happened or why I stopped writing for so long but I believe getting back to this is critical for my emotional and personal growth.
My grandfather passed away. My grandmothers health is on a serious decline. I grew more dissatisfied with my job, to the point where it was so toxic that my entire being was disoriented on a daily basis. I was unhealthy, worries, anxious, unhappy, and incredibly sad. It was after all of that that I was laid off, flew back to New Jersey for holiday shenanigans, and fly back to San Fran where I was unemployed, frustrated at my previous employer, and frustrated that I wasn’t able to support myself. Thankfully, my incredibly Novio is the most supportive, warm, affectionate man I’ve ever met and he helped me through all of this.
I probably should have been more keen on writing during this incredibly tough state, but I think I was ignoring…myself. I tend to do that way more often then I thought I do. It’s easier to not deal with the situations than to confront your demons.
Well, not to say that I’ve confronted anything, but more moved on and am dealing with these situations in a different matter, changing my mind set. Setting myself on a new path of relaxation, getting to know myself, and living up to my expectation of myself personally and professionally.
This New Year, this year, I will set myself on a path that isn’t about loosing weight or getting fit or joining a gym or sacrificing anything. I don’t want to sacrifice anything that doesn’t aid me in this life.
I want equal pay. I want to be treated right in a professional setting. I want to work for a fabulous team and company that has a mission I believe in. I want to love my body and that means loving all the curves, lumps and bumps, stretch marks, scared surfaces, and the constant fluctuation that my weight takes (because I’m human!). I want to love myself in clothes, no matter what size the jeans say. I am not a number and I often have a really hard time digesting that.
I was easily programmed. I easily succumbed to the societal temper that is demoralizing its women and men to think we are nothing but numbers.
This year, I will focus on loving the ones that love me back. Spending more time with myself. Saying no more often. Saying yes more often. I will bake and bake and bake till my hearts content.
This year, I want more passion. I want more sex and more slow kisses. I want more hand holding and long walks. I want more exploration and adventure and down time and Netflix binge sessions.
I won’t settle for anything less. I won’t settle for alright and okay.
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