It’s been on my mind a lot, especially since last year when a friend of mine had a baby. I’ve had to distance myself and I can’t say I blame myself. But yet the obsessive thoughts are there. When I pass the baby isle in the store. When at a thrift store and I see the worlds most adorable baby clothes. When I see a mother with her babies. When I see posts on social media of mother’s day or father’s day celebrations. In my own reflection that feels empty.
It’s been three years but I still remember having my baby at 14 weeks in my bedroom. I remember their tiny body and human-like features. Even for someone so undeveloped and young.
I remember the pain, the unfamiliarness. The sense of the situation being almost unreal.I remember feeling numb to everything and yet so overwhelmed. The trauma. And even after therapy sometimes it’s still there.
The therapist said I had signs of PTSD and post-partum depression afterwards. And it was untreated for nearly two years.
I know my time will come eventually. One day. And part of me also realizes I’m not ready right now. Wanting something and being prepared for it are two very different ideas.
I love living my life with just myself and my partner. But there is always a hint of grief or longing. I’m always longing. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about it.
Sometimes in the past I contemplated suicide. Although now I’m happy and I’m content with waiting. I don’t wish to die or anything of the sort. It goes to show how strong and overwhelming it all is sometimes. And going back to therapy is a plan. But it’s hard enough to talk about these things. It’s the first time in two years that I’ve wrote about it at all.
I just feel so consumed by either desire or grief. Or something in between. A mix of jealousy or envy. I just want rest.
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