August 2024 in 2020s

August 1st, 2024, 03:40 pm

Got our new bench. It’s comfortable and the perfect height for short people. He just has to powder the area for ants. It’s quite hot and humid, but nice. Today’s storm is all thunder and no rain, at least so far. The only unfortunate thing is that the planes are plentiful as usual. The bench is going to be by the AC, though, so when it’s running, I won’t hear them. I’ll bring my phone out most of the time to play on and also listen to music.

We saw the Barbie movie yesterday, and we both agreed it was stupid. He watched the whole thing, but I gave up after 12 minutes.

Since it had been about a month since we last went to a fast food place, we went to KFC yesterday. I expected to be tired today because of it, but I’m not. I guess fried chicken is a little healthier than the burgers we used to get, and I didn’t have many of the fries because they weren’t that good.

My schedule has been making these mad two-hour jumps lately, so I’m keeping a log of my wake-up times for the next couple of weeks so he can adjust the program that helps predict when to schedule appointments. Looking at my Fitbit history, it seems I’ve been sleeping closer to eight hours rather than seven, especially since getting the new bed.

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream about being so worried about inflation. Last night, however, I got to have some fun dreams for a change. I’ve never been a bird person, but I had a parakeet, and I would draw figure eights on the table, and it would happily chase my hand. Rats do that, but I don’t know if birds do.

In another dream, I had a large guinea pig, and every time I would make a tapping sound on a tabletop or something, it would leap up into my arms with affection.

August 2nd, 2024, 03:49 pm

A tropical storm warning is in effect. Hopefully, we’ll get just rain and not too much wind, and definitely not lose power. The manager emailed everyone to make sure we’re stocked up on gas, cash, food, etc., and gave all kinds of other tips and pointers, even though evacuations aren’t expected. There was also a notice about it in the park group.

Yesterday, I felt a bit anxious and a little off emotionally. I figure my TSH is pushing down. I stopped taking the multivitamins for a couple of days and cut my waiting time a little bit. I also cut my waiting time before coffee to 20 minutes.

At first, I wasn’t going to say anything, knowing it wouldn’t change anything. But then I realized that if everyone has that attitude, we’re really guaranteed no positive change. Therefore, I took a chance and messaged the new manager, asking him to please consider banning motorcycles and explained why I was asking. It won’t do me any good, but at least I will have tried.

August 3rd, 2024, 08:05 pm

Got a thunderstorm earlier and I guess it’s supposed to storm again tomorrow morning so it can wake me up.

They’re not kidding when they say that red meat can steal your energy. I made myself a beef patty, and after I ate it, my energy deflated like a balloon, and I ended up taking a nap. So that’s one more thing I need to avoid in the future. I’m getting pretty tired of the lack of variety.

Fucking Facebook and its refusal to respect privacy! My only option is to let everybody send me friend requests or allow friends of friends, but I would prefer not to receive any requests at all. I got a request from an older guy who claims to be from Berlin, Germany, and now lives in New York. His only friend is one of my neighbors, which is pretty suspicious. He claims he was browsing Facebook, saw my profile, and thought he should say hello. I asked why he only had one friend and if he would say hello if I were a guy. We’ll see what he has to say to that! However, I’m not adding him because I’m not interested in adding anyone else at this time, especially someone I don’t even know.

Andy also sent me a picture of a doll appearing to have a confused look on its face, and I stupidly clicked it open out of curiosity. I thought that if I marked it as unread, it wouldn’t appear as seen. But according to what I looked up, it still shows as being seen. Damn me! I still stand strong in my decision not to reconnect with him. We have nothing in common anymore, he forgets every other thing I tell him, and a real friend doesn’t tell me that every other thing I say is either a lie or just an excuse. Especially one who should know me better. And let’s not forget all those “opinions” that are really false beliefs and the you’re-just-like-me shit.

August 4th, 2024, 05:35 pm

“You were a really good artist,” Tom said to me when I got up. He was going through old stuff and found an old drive. He wanted to see if it would boot up, and it did. On it was all the wall art I did using markers that we would seal with clear paint, our wedding video as well as other videos, journals, and tons of pics. We painted over the artwork when we sold the house, but damn, I really made a circus out of the place, LOL. I definitely had a strange and unique way of decorating. Anyway, yeah, some of the wall art did look good. We forgot about some of it too, like Bugs Bunny, which I drew in the bedroom. Some of it looked kind of childish, but some was pretty good. Even a couple of paintings I did were good, and it’s surprising because I can’t paint to save my life these days, although the old paintings in the ‘90s were done with oil paints and not acrylics.

As is usually the case, I’m struggling with fatigue today. I woke up too soon and wasn’t able to get back to sleep. So another day of feeling yucky, but honestly, this has become so normal that I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Getting a lot of rain today from the tropical storm. Voluntary evacuations were issued, but we kind of laughed at that because it’s not going to come anywhere near us. It’s heading for the panhandle and will then be a Cat 1. The more of a straight line the ocean has to your place, the faster it can pick up speed and the more likely you are to get hit by it. But because it would have to curve more than it usually does, things entering the Gulf tend to miss us. We still get a lot of rain from it, though. But even if a Cat 5 formed in the Gulf and hit us straight on, we would likely be OK because we’re several miles inland. Even the guy that died that owned Happy said that most hurricanes and storms end up heading north of here. Tornadoes are more of a threat than anything else.

Took a Zyrtec today and didn’t seem to get any more tired than I already am, so I guess I will see if that helps just as much as the spray did. It would be a cheaper alternative, too.

Gonna get some white chrome paint for the stove. A little part of the paint chipped when I was trying to scrub off the brown spots that would form. Nothing I use can get rid of it completely, but Windex seems to make it fade a lot.

We got the wall tiles a few days ago; they’re extremely thin, so we’re going to use those on the interior walls and get thicker stuff for the exterior walls.

I’m also going to try using a second Echo to play nature sounds when I sleep when the bastard returns with its motorcycle. I need to have something between me and the sound. So if I put an extra Echo by the window and play it louder than the one by my head, it might do a better job masking the sound. I won’t use it when I’m sleeping at night. It will only be for when the mowers are coming when I’m on nights, or if I think there’s a chance he may ride the motorcycle. Again, a person shouldn’t have to live that way, but it’s better than nothing. Part of it is what we live in. Sound penetrates manufactured homes very easily.

Noticed some burning down there yesterday, and I was like, “Oh no, not this shit again.” But after a dose of Kindra, everything has been fine.

Another picture from Andy, but I’m not even going to open it. I could tell him why, but rather than upset him with stuff he’s not gonna get or remember anyway, I’ll just stay quiet.

August 5th, 2024, 10:25 pm

On a scale of 1 to 10, my fatigue is a definite 10 today. While I was in a good mood yesterday, today I feel frustrated and hopeless. I really fear I’m never going to resolve this problem and find out everything that’s causing it, much less what to do about it. So much for thinking the waterbed and the vitamins were my saviors because they’re not.

I can say that I definitely slept poorly. Had to get up to pee and just kept waking up a lot. It still seems that my body should have slept long enough to make up for it, though. Even a nap later on didn’t help. I’m just physically exhausted through and through. I still don’t know if it’s mostly tied into my sleep, the Zyrtec I took yesterday, something I ate, my thyroid, or if I’ve simply developed chronic fatigue. Even on the days I have energy, it’s still not like it used to be.

I really would have loved to have been able to test my TSH the day I felt wound up as well as today. Tom said he keeps checking to see if there’s a home test available. When there is, I’m sure it will cost a fortune. You can now test your A1C for just $65, but you only get four tests.

I would really love to try a custom mouthguard for sleep apnea for a while and see if that helped. I did notice that after I got back into bed after getting up to pee, I felt short of breath. It was almost like I couldn’t take a deep enough breath. This lasted a little while, and then I drifted back off only to wake up many times along the way.

Maybe it was the subconscious stress of worrying about being woken up by the storm, but unlike every other storm I’ve experienced here that’s either all thunder and no rain or a mix of both, this was 95% rain. I was definitely right to believe this would be a wetter summer because it’s never rained that much that long so far since being here. It went on and on all night long without much of a break. It was nice and soothing to hear the sound of the rain. It’s also amazing just how much the ground can absorb here. If it rained like this in Arizona or even California or Oregon, we would be flooded to hell and back. We did get flooded a few times during monsoon storms in Arizona.

The good thing is that I was surprised to hear from Adonis from his account in his real name, even though he’ll always be Adonis to me. I sent him a message a while back telling him that Facebook wouldn’t let me add him, and when I didn’t get a reply, I figured he got sick of me and ghosted. But then I got a message saying that the same thing happened with his niece and that Facebook was weird. It still wouldn’t let me add him, but I replied to his message and allowed for friend requests. He’s following me, and he liked one of my comments in a public group, which was a little strange. I know Facebook is anti-privacy even though they claim otherwise, but I wish all groups were private. It shouldn’t be anybody’s business but the group members’ what I’m sharing in groups. Nothing I do or that anyone else does should be anyone’s business unless we choose to make it their business.

A little worried to find I only got one shitty-paying job available to me today. Also, I expected my pending jobs to pay up, but they haven’t. Let me guess, since all good things have to come to an end, this is when I start making less and less money, right? Yet he’s getting tons of jobs, which he says is only because he’s old and that they seem to have a lot of studies for old people. Yeah, and I’ve always seemed to have a no-making-money rule on me. 🙁

Apparently, the ants of Florida are invincible. The hurricane rains rinsed off the ant spray Tom sprayed outside the kitchen window, which is where they’re getting in, and now they’re back. One was in the sink, and I scalded it with hot water. A few minutes later, there it was climbing out of the sink drain. I sprayed it with ant spray, and it was still running to climb the walls of the sink, so I finally hosed it back down and sprayed the area some more, including around the inside of the window.

I had tons of dreams last night, even though I only remember bits and pieces of them. I was discussing multi-dimensions and space-time with Tom and telling him I didn’t get how space-time worked, and then I was unable to find my purse, which seems to be a popular dream I have.

Then I dreamed I was dancing again and quickly had to quit because of my schedule and sleep issues. I really liked the extra money and was really depressed at the thought of quitting, knowing I couldn’t explain why to anyone at the club or my parents, who seemed to be alive in the dream because I knew they either wouldn’t get it or wouldn’t believe me.

So I draped a light jacket over my shoulders and began to walk home to wherever I lived, but before I got very far, I realized I had forgotten my purse and hurried back nearly in a panic. What is it with me and purse dreams? Used to be being naked in public, and now it’s the purse.

I then had a dream that the economy was going downhill, and the possibility of another serious recession loomed around the corner. When I told Tom about that dream, he said it wouldn’t affect us since he’s not working. That much would be great! No doubt about it.

The most worrisome but far from surprising dream was having to increase my thyroid medication. I’m going to do everything I can, however, to keep that from becoming a dream premonition and not just a dream. I just wonder how much of this fatigue is connected to that. Another fear I have is that it’s either going to be taking enough meds to have energy but be anxious, or take just enough to keep from being anxious but be exhausted instead. I just can’t win no matter what I do.

I also can’t shake that dismal feeling that my life is over. Not that I’m going to die anytime soon, of course, which I kind of have mixed emotions about, but I do worry that due to a lack of money and energy, we’ve basically lived our lives. He doesn’t feel that way, but that’s because he worked for decades. I told him he may feel that way in another decade or so, but he doesn’t think so. I hope not, for his sake.

August 6th, 2024, 11:03 pm

Finally, a day with decent energy! Why, oh why, can’t it be like this most of the time instead of some of the time?

I was thinking earlier, and despite the fact that I hold firm in my decision to never forgive my parents and wasn’t kidding when I said I wouldn’t have anything to do with them if they were suddenly alive again, they did pull me out of the quicksand a few times. I’ll give them that much. First, if they had never sent me to Arizona, I would never have met Tom. If they hadn’t paid for a few nights at the hotel in 2007, we would have been on the streets a lot longer than 36 hours. Lastly, although it was material things, they also sent a lot of clothes and household items that were very helpful and came in handy.

I noticed my tinnitus is getting a little louder. It used to only be noticeable when it was dead quiet, but now I notice it with soft sounds. I really hope it’s not something that’s going to keep getting worse and worse!

I made another Temu order:

A set of 7 colorful thongs in a smaller size since the last set I got is a little big on me.

An electric foot file to buff off calluses.

Super thin socks that won’t make my feet too hot yet should help protect them from this evil carpet I’m likely stuck with for the rest of my life.

Plastic shoes for around the pool which we haven’t been to in a while.

Cleaning sheets I want to try. You throw them in the toilet or on the floor and as long as you wet them, they’re supposed to be good for cleaning.

Auspicious incense.

Eyelash serum I also want to try. I’ve always had long, thick eyelashes. As I’ve aged, though, they’re still long but not as thick. I want to see if this stuff is as good as it claims to be as far as thickening the lashes goes.

The fucking mowers woke me up even though it was only for a second and I did sleep better. Tom said they were unusually loud today and came right up to the house with a really loud edger. They were supposed to come tomorrow instead, so had I known they were going to come today, I would have set up the second echo. I don’t know, though. They were so fucking loud that I don’t know if it would have done me any good.

I had a dream that we were so broke and didn’t own anything anymore and were renting a room the size of a hotel room somewhere. He must have been his real age because he was still retired, and I remember wondering to myself if our only hope of ever owning a place again would be to go to a miserably cold and snowy climate. But I must have been young and slim again because, at the same time, I was having an affair with a young woman.

While I was at it, I started to get excited when an older woman announced that she would be teaching a painting class. Expecting it to be a $10 class, I asked how much the class cost and she said it was $52, so that was out of the question.

I don’t know why I’ve been having a lot of poverty dreams. We’re not literally “poor.” We don’t yet have the kind of extra spending money we had in Cali, but we’ll get there.

August 7th, 2024, 01:43 pm

Later…

There was a text message from my old dentist asking that I contact them about my account. I asked Tom his opinion (he’s sleeping now) as to whether or not I should bother calling. Would they threaten me with collections or some kind of legal action if I called, or would they be big enough to admit they made a mistake and that they do accept my insurance and ask that I return?

Maybe it was wrong of me to do, and maybe I should have just stayed quiet, but I opened Andy’s last message. One pic contained the usual childish image of a person flipping the finger, which I’ve told him many times does nothing for me unless it’s in response to a particular joke or something, and the other was a meme saying, “I’m sorry I’m weird, and I’ll be weird again.”

Weird isn’t the problem. Being offended and extremely frustrated is the problem.

Nonetheless, I sent a message from that supposed scammer that supposedly hacked me about getting compensation blah blah blah, and then I copied and pasted a bunch of religious mumbo jumbo some delusional nut dropped on a public page that I hope he wouldn’t think I would send. I told him to call “Mr. Motek” and then blocked the messages. He’s not very smart, but he’s not overly stupid either, so he could suspect I’m behind the message and the blocking. But as much as I do love him and miss some of the jokes and laughs we would share, and I do hate to hurt his feelings, I stand firm behind my decision to avoid toxic people. Nothing pisses a person off more than not being believed by those who should know them better. And OMG, the memory issues! My own memory is going to hell, but this is way off the charts. As I should have learned 30 years ago, people are who they are. I could try to explain and beg and plead for him to not do these things that offend me and frustrate me, but nothing is going to ever change.

August 8th, 2024, 01:44 pm

Tom said if I want to call my old dentist, although it’s up to me, and they say we owe a small amount of money, we’ll pay it but not if they say we owe a lot of money. Well, I’ve had time to think about it and I think she’s made enough money off of us. We’re definitely poor in comparison to her, so I’m not going to call. It shocks me to say this, but there’s nothing she can do about it anyway. Guess it’s one of those rare cases where I got the upper hand, right or wrong, and there isn’t anything anybody can do about it. We’ve given her enough money before they screwed up on us. This person is rich, we’re at least close to poor, so people who are barely making over 2K a month don’t need to give this person who easily makes six figures a year a few hundred bucks.

No reply from Sean, but that doesn’t surprise me. All he would have told me anyway was that he would take note of my request and that would be it. They’re never going to ban the damn motorcycles. On the off-off chance that we ever do move, if we don’t get land somewhere and we stay in Florida instead, I’m going to do all I can to hunt for an affordable park that does not allow motorcycles and preferably dogs either. It’d be just our shit luck that they would lift the ban after we moved there, but still.

Later…

So, the honker’s grandson is due in September. It would have been better if it was November because that may delay his coming down here. I just hope he doesn’t have as much company since it only made him ride the damn motorcycle more last year. I also hope he spends most of his time with Colleen again, too, even if that means more howling.

I accepted Andy’s friend request and then immediately unfriended him, hoping that will leave him even more confused than ever as to who’s behind the account. I could go and spell out all the reasons why I don’t want to be connected to him, but he wouldn’t get or remember anything I said, so why hurt his feelings needlessly?

Later…

I was surprised to find Tammy blocked me on Facebook. I admit I wanted to fuck with her. After testing on my own account and finding that I could hit the space bar once and leave myself a blank post, I thought I’d have fun confusing her with a blank comment from my Riley account, assuming she still allowed public comments. Then I was going to assume she would get curious as to who Riley was and see the article I left on my wall about narcissistic personalities as well as my blog link. That’s when I discovered I’d been blocked. I was like, wow, when did this happen? It’s been many months since I’ve looked in on her. In fact, I think this is my first time this year. So she either figured out how or someone told her how to block a person who’s already blocked her. Either that or she figured out one of the other accounts belonged to me.

August 9th, 2024, 01:15 am

Yay! Tom’s lab results are great! His TSH is 3.25 (lucky guy), and his cholesterol is low, though it has always been low. His glucose is 84, and he said he can’t remember it ever being that low. His A1C has dropped from 6.2 to 5.8, which surprised me. While it’s an improvement, it’s still considered pre-diabetic; I thought the pre-diabetic range was 6.0 to 6.4, but it’s actually 5.7 to 6.4. So, he’s still slightly pre-diabetic. This gives me hope that if cutting back on sugar could drop him four points, it could bring me into the normal range since I was at 6.0. Genetics could still eventually work against us, but this gives me hope for the immediate future.

There’s no way my cholesterol will be even close to good, but hopefully, my TSH won’t be too out of whack. I’m going to try my best to get it into the single digits, but I won’t increase the vitamins until it gets closer to my lab appointment.

Even though I’ll never lose weight, and I doubt Tom will either, going keto is definitely the smart thing to do. It’s much healthier. Yes, most sugary snacks do taste better than sugar-free ones, but there are still plenty of yummy sugar-free options. The cookie dough fat bombs I made were so good that Tom only let himself have one because he knew he’d get carried away, lol. They’re very sweet and rich-tasting. The brown sugar substitute called Swerve is amazing—it looks, tastes, and smells like the real thing!

The next thing I’m going to try is making my own cheese crackers. I got ultra-thin Sargento cheddar cheese, and after cutting each slice into fours, I’m going to lay them out on parchment paper and bake them at 250° for 45 minutes. It says to check every 5 minutes, and I will because we do have a bit of a kick-ass oven.

I can’t take Zyrtec anymore. It makes me sleep too long and leaves me groggy and hungover the next day. I’m still a little fuzzy-brained, and I got up at 7:30 p.m. I’m going to have to use the spray, but only when the congestion gets bad. I just hope that if we ever move, I don’t have epic sneezing fits wherever we go.

I’m still not sure if there are any foods that leave me tired the next day, but I spotted an entry of mine from 2015 that mentioned feeling perkier since cutting back on carbs. I had good energy yesterday and the day before, but I also took ibuprofen before bed, and I wonder if that’s why I slept sounder.

Yesterday’s glass of wine made my heart race. I don’t know why, but it does this every now and then. Maybe I sipped it too quickly. I probably won’t have any tonight.

I began watching FBI and like it even if there’s too much of America’s favorite subject. It’s by the same producer, Dick Wolf, who produced Law & Order.

The Muslim guy with a leading role was quoted as saying he wants to show the world that Muslims and Arabs aren’t bad.

LOL, yeah, tell that to the Israelis.

I might watch PD True as well.

I was about to edit and post this but then I ended up taking a 90-minute nap. I don’t know why, but it’s been a wonderfully plane-free night since I first got up early in the evening. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever gone that long without hearing something flying up there. Ironically, it comes after yet another complaint to the FAA, but I don’t think it’s connected to that—people just don’t care.

August 9th, 2024, 05:14 am

When I’m alone in the dead of night, wishing I could always be on days, my mind starts to wander, speculate, and analyze. I’ve often been quick to say we live in a Godless world because of all the terrible things I see happening, but sometimes I’m not entirely sure of that. I don’t see God the way most believers do. I’m not convinced that God is necessarily a loving being with our lives carefully planned out.

But could the fact that Tom got a job just in the nick of time when the recession hit be a sign that I have at least a guardian angel? One that doesn’t stop bad things from happening to me, but at least keeps me from being destroyed?

When I think about what my life would have been like if I’d never met Tom, it literally sends chills through me. My sleep disorder wasn’t even recognized or fully understood back in the early ‘90s, and I would have had to somehow struggle to work for at least 10 years to maybe qualify for disability benefits—and I stress the word maybe. People often don’t get what they need or deserve. Just because you’re eligible for unemployment doesn’t mean you’ll receive it. Just because you need a particular medication doesn’t mean you’ll get it. So, just because I should never have been cut from disability benefits doesn’t mean I would have been able to get them back.

Yet, there’s no way I could have worked as my sleep disorder worsened with age, and when all the fatigue set in. It’s things like this that sometimes make me wonder. Is it a coincidence that I ended up with someone who loves me enough to accept me as I am, and, in the end, basically keeps me alive?

August 10th, 2024, 03:53 am

Feeling hopeless when it comes to my fatigue and sleep issues and trying not to let them get me down. Not doing a very good job, though.

My homemade cheese crackers came out awesome! I’m making another batch now.

I’m learning recipes from Kathy, and Jessie is learning from me. She wants to make the crackers and the chicken dinner I made. I slow-cooked a chicken thigh in the small cooker with a butter ball, sugar snap peas, and mushrooms.

I just got done whipping up a creamy cucumber shrimp salad, and that too, is pretty good.

Brought out the rabbit silkscreen and began another painting which I’m sure will end up looking pretty bad when I’m done with it, but I hate to let things sit there unused and waste the money. I’m letting it dry and then I’ll slowly add detail to the rabbit as well as the background.

Looks like the first Temu package, which was split into three, will arrive with my foot callus remover. I got Keri lotion because it’s a bit greasy and thought it would be good for my dry skin. It definitely helps. I like the way it smells—sort of like suntan lotion. You wouldn’t think one’s skin would be so dry in a humid climate, but not only am I older, but when you’re indoors with AC running nearly year-round, it will dry your skin out. My scalp is just the opposite. I’ve always had an oily scalp.

He sprayed for ants, but I saw one running around the edge of the sink again after not seeing any for a few days. They seem to show up right after sundown and always by or in the sink, so I’m guessing they are coming in by the window next to it. I thought ants were active in the daytime, though. Well, not these ants. They’re pretty big too. I don’t know if they bite, and I’m not going to find out either.

So I was up later yesterday after napping, and the same thing happened tonight when I woke up tired and napped later on. Only this time around, the nap seemed to help until a little while ago when I felt my energy deflating like a popped bubble. It’s frustrating as hell. I need to get out and into the sunshine, but that’s not easy to do when you’re up all night. I should be able to catch some morning sun in a few hours.

To work on the site I work on, you have to answer a series of screening questions so they know which studies to include you in. Well, just like they consider Tom old, I guess they consider me suicidal because I got a long study with several questions pertaining to that, but it paid well. I just feel empty and hopeless, even though my life is mostly ideal, and I’m not suffering physically or emotionally nearly as much as I did from 2014 to 2021.

The problem is, I just go right into a new long-term issue when I finally get rid of one, and now it’s fatigue and lack of energy.

While I haven’t been feeling like I want to kill myself, I’ve been feeling like my life is over, mostly because of my lack of energy and sleep issues. The other part is not having a lot of extra money. Other than Tom, Jessie, and Andy if he found out about it, I realize that no one would give a shit if I dropped dead right now. I mean, really give a shit.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I was grateful to be alive. Maybe after we survived the recession was the last time. I almost feel like I’m just going through the motions of life until it’s over. Like I’m in this unseen waiting room that lies between life and death. Like my life has ended, and I’m waiting for the death part of it. I don’t know why I feel this way, even though I have plenty of things to do around the house to keep me busy. But even with all those things, I do the same things every day, and more than half the time I don’t have much energy. I don’t get out nearly as much as I’d like to due to a combination of being on nights half the time and not having much money to do anything. Life seems to be about having energy and money.

At least it won’t cost anything to go sit in the back later on and make use of our new bench. I want to try to get 10 minutes of sunlight every day that I possibly can.

I definitely didn’t sleep as well and remember waking up a lot, as well as to use the bathroom. Again, the ophthalmologist was in one of my dreams, and I’m trying to figure out why the hell he’s popping into my dreams like this. It’s really weird. He never made any impression on me, good or bad, so it must be something on his end, although I don’t see what kind of impression I could have possibly made on him either way. I mean, what’s unique about me that could have stood out? We only spoke about my eyes and nothing else. Okay, so my eyelashes are a little longer than most, and I have green eyes, which is the rarest eye color, but in his profession, I’m sure he’s seen his fair share of this.

Anyway, in the dream, Tom was somewhere else, and I had to wait so long to see the doctor. In fact, due to the long waiting times, he set up a bunch of beds in his waiting room, lol. After a 4-hour wait, he came into the room with a heavy-set, middle-aged blonde woman who had her hair in a ponytail. He told her to make sure she did something, although I’m not sure what that was. Then I thought I should text Tom and let him know I was finally going to be seen soon so he could be ready to pick me up.

In another dream, Tom and I drove up to Massachusetts. We would never even fly up there. Haven’t been there since 1992, and I can’t imagine ever returning.

August 11th, 2024, 04:29 am

I got a great photo of a rabbit in the backyard yesterday morning, as well as tons of snails on the fence to show Doc A. I also shared a picture of the tortoise with her.

She and someone else were out walking in Auburn when they spotted a mama bear with her cubs, which they took pictures of. I had no idea there were bears in that area! If I had stepped outside the trailer and seen that, I would have been absolutely terrified, no matter how cute they might be.

Indoors right here, there have been a few scattered ants and a silverfish. It’s definitely time to bomb again, and we’ll be doing that within the next couple of weeks.

I’m feeling better tonight than I did last night, even if it feels like my life might still be over, lol. I keep forgetting to use my happy light. I have a small one on my desk in the bedroom, and I want to get a bigger one for the other desk.

I sat outside for about 10 minutes yesterday morning, but not in direct sunlight since the sun hadn’t risen high enough yet. It still seemed to be enough to perk me up.

Yesterday, I had symptoms that suggested I might be low on thyroid, but also some that suggested otherwise. I had horrible fatigue and felt a little cold at times, but then my heart was racing, and I felt a bit anxious for a few hours. I read that a racing heart caused by wine can be a symptom of heart trouble, as it can be if it races for no apparent reason. But my heart doesn’t always race when I have wine, and there’s no way I could have heart issues after being thoroughly tested less than a year ago. I really wish I could test my TSH whenever I wanted!

While I’ve got the energy, I’m going to take advantage of it and get some more miles on the road. I’m 10% through my ride, but I’m going to need to get to about 40% to get out of Russia.

I got a distressing message from Becky. The first known Valleyhead sister to die has passed away. Her name was Kyle, and she and Becky were cousins. I didn’t have any problems with Kyle, but we weren’t close either. She had MS. Becky said her mother had babies for 24 years and was burned to death at 9 months pregnant, which Kyle witnessed. Also, Becky’s uncle died, so I can see why she’s a mess, as she said.

What a horrible, horrible tragedy! Poor Kyle. I can’t imagine witnessing something so terrifying, gross, and horrible. Becky said that’s why she freaked out when the fire alarm went off. I don’t remember her freaking out, but I do remember another girl freaking out. Her name might have been June.

August 12th, 2024, 03:49 am

When I was in my late 30s to early 40s and would sometimes get hyped up and act like I was still physically and emotionally quite young, I would sometimes chide myself for it and tell myself to “grow up” much like my mother often did. Now, here I am in my late 50s wishing I could tell myself to act and feel a little more grown up. Funny how life turns out at times.

I recently watched some old restored video clips on Facebook from over 100 years ago, and they were a fascinating glimpse into the past. It’s the kind of thing you don’t think much about when you’re young, but as you get older, you come to appreciate it more. There was one scene at a beach, and I couldn’t believe how those women and girls managed to wear such long, heavy dresses, long sleeves, and bulky hats on a hot, sunny day. They wore such attire everywhere, not just at the beach, and I didn’t see any women in the water. Some even wore regular shoes, which made me wonder if they swam back then.

Yesterday was a better day than the day before, and I had decent energy. We even made a quick trip to Publix.

Today, I don’t have as much energy, which isn’t surprising. I’m tired today—not the worst kind of tired, but definitely not as energetic as yesterday. This is normal for me, and while I try to find the good in having something that’s normal for us, it’s easier said than done because I haven’t found much good in it. It renders me lazy, and I struggle to see the benefit of that. On the other hand, I can’t imagine life with my old energy levels either. This is definitely who I am now. When I see the doctor on the 19th, if they can’t help me, acceptance will likely follow. I’ve resigned myself to this being my last-ditch effort to address my fatigue and sleep issues. Even if I can’t go on vacations or move, I’d rather be stuck here than in most of the places I’ve been in the past.

I’ve now lived in the East as long as I lived in the West. I left New England when I was 26 and spent 29 years in the West. Adding the 3 years I’ve spent in the Southeast makes it an even split, at least for now.

I’ve been having fun with AI generating titles for my old journal entries. I even let it choose titles for some of my current entries, although I don’t always like its choices, so I sometimes pick my own.

I had a dream where I sold a young girl a rug with a rat design on it, which I either made or bought, and later regretted.

In another part of the dream, we were living in our old house in Phoenix, and I observed a rat in the back room walking around its cage. Since we were about to move, it was temporarily housed in an aquarium, but the rat had long legs, almost like a cat. I was amused by its actions and tried not to laugh too loudly because Tom was asleep.

Then, I walked through the kitchen and was entering the living room when I saw the front door opening and two men standing outside. At first, I thought the door had blown open or wasn’t locked, but as it widened, I saw that they were detectives. One of them asked if I was who I was, and I said yes. The detective then extended their hand for a handshake, but instead of shaking it, I froze, feeling a mix of anger about the unlocked door and fear that I was going to be arrested.

“What’s going on?” I asked, then quickly added, “Let me wake up my husband.” Although I didn’t know why, I felt I was in trouble and wanted Tom to know where I was if they took me away.

Then the dream ended, and I woke up relieved to realize it was just a crazy dream. Back when the freeloaders and their connections to law enforcement were using the law against me, I would have loved to wake up in the comfort and safety of my own bed, knowing it was just a horrible dream. I’ve never forgiven them for what they did to me and never will. If we were suddenly living in a lawless land…ohhh…

August 13th, 2024, 03:23 am

I considered going with Tom to his appointment later today, just to get out of the house, but I can still sit in the back and soak up some sunlight. It’s nice to have the house to myself every now and then, even if I end up doing the same things I usually do.

Yesterday, I managed to perk up, but I’m not sure I will today because the congestion has built up again. I decided to give Zyrtec another chance, hoping that since I took it early in my day, it won’t cause me to oversleep and wake up groggy tomorrow. I only slept 6.5 hours, whereas I usually need 6-7 hours. Any more than that, and I feel groggy.

I watched a disturbing video from a cop’s body cam. A young woman, about to graduate college with her whole life ahead of her, got drunk and killed two people on the road. As she’s being given sobriety tests and then brought to the hospital, she’s singing and joking, asking about her car and how she’ll get to school the next day, completely oblivious or indifferent to the fact that she just killed two people. She ended up getting 14 years in prison. Yeah, like most prisoners, she’ll probably claim she found God, he’s her savior, blah blah blah.

Unless it was strictly in self-defense, I can’t imagine taking a life and living with the knowledge that someone no longer exists because of me. Every day, I would no doubt wonder what they would be doing if they were still alive.

The white SUV I’ve seen checking out Ray’s place every few weeks showed up again yesterday, and I also met Charlie, one of the maintenance guys. I walked up to the kitchen window and noticed a white pickup truck parked in front of Ray’s, but close to our place. I opened the door and heard the engine idling. Then an old, skinny guy came walking up between the houses with one of those pest sprayer jugs. He was actually spraying weeds back by the fence.

Being older and heavier may be out of my control, but that doesn’t mean I have to be as lazy as I’ve been. Yes, I work out most days for at least 30 minutes on the glider, but that’s such a mild workout that it barely counts. It’s not working my heart enough or exercising my joints the way brisk walking and light jogging do, so I’m really going to make a point of disciplining myself to hit the treadmill, even if it’s only for a few minutes every day. I’ve also incorporated stretching exercises into my routine to hopefully increase my flexibility. I would like to use the Bowflex for my arms, but I don’t know if my shoulder injury has healed enough for that yet. When I’m on the closet floor playing with the rat, I can do my abs.

The story I’m currently working on is over 60K words! My longest story is about 80K words. I doubt I’ll share it, but I might if I manage to finish it.

August 14th, 2024, 06:00 am

Ugh, I’m so frustrated! You’d think sticking 12”x12” sticky tiles to a wall wouldn’t be so difficult, but it is. Because they’re so sticky, it was hard to align them properly. Also, they’re thin, so the edges tend to fold over. Tom is more adept at this sort of thing, and he’s going to take over. You don’t notice the imperfections too much unless you’re looking for them, and I’m 90-something percent sure we’ll never move, so I can live with it.

I got the foot file and the mesh socks from Temu. I like them. The socks protect my feet from this crappy carpet without making my feet warm, and the foot file is helpful. You take a sandpaper disc, peel the back of it, and stick it on the round metal plate on the file. Once they wear down, you can get replacements.

It was funny watching him try to figure out what was beeping in the other room when it was actually a YouTube video I was playing that beeped every 15 seconds, LOL. I use them to time my stretches.

His appointment was short and sweet yesterday. He’s in great health despite his extra weight, and hopefully, it will stay that way for a very long time.

My old dentist had the nerve to send a bill for $258. And all for what? To take a few pictures and then tell me they don’t accept my insurance after we were told otherwise? Well, she can send all the bills she wants because she’s not getting another dime from us. I have a new dentist now, and we’re done with her.

Yesterday was the second week in a row they used the louder mower, and I really hope that’s not going to be a regular thing because I don’t think I can keep that from waking me up any more than loud thunder.

Yesterday morning was deathly humid. I couldn’t even sit on the bench because it was all wet.

August 15th, 2024, 10:56 am

Miss Bailey now has lower lashes as well as upper ones, and I got the best Bunny shot yet. I was surprised it didn’t run when I went outside because it was so close to the door. It couldn’t have been more than six to eight feet away. I’m pretty sure it’s seen me before and knows I’m harmless. I’ve seen it in the back a few times recently.

While I was out there, I noticed a fresh spot of new digging by the side of the place, so Tom went out and powdered it up. A wasp, probably the one making the nest, flew by him quickly while he was at it. Why is it always our yard that they do this shit in?

I’m still finding ants by the kitchen sink, so we’re going to bomb in a couple of days. It will be too hot and humid to leave Tinkerbella out in her cage in the lanai, so we’re still going to put her cage out there but take her with us in her little pink carrier. It will be a fun adventure for her. This is where we’re so glad to have an electric car! We can run the AC for hours. We’re going to spend the first hour hanging out in the driveway while he does laundry. Then we’ll head out to wherever. It’s a two-hour bomb.

My Temu package might be late in getting to me, but if it is, I get $5 of credit.

Yesterday we splurged on Domino’s, and between that and the peanuts I’ve been snacking on, the scale is telling me to slow down and cut back.

August 16th, 2024, 09:01 am

WTF just happened? I had a document open and speech-to-text was running in the background, but there was no sound other than the air cleaner in the other room, and it just printed the words “knock knock.” Someone from beyond saying hello?

I sat out in the sunlight for a while—accompanied by the sound of planes, of course—until the AC kicked on. It’s actually a beautiful morning, not nearly as humid as it has been.

Tom is out there investigating a clogged gutter.

I tried to propagate one of my bamboo plants, but it was a bust. 🙁

I had decent energy yesterday, but today is a bit borderline. My experiment to see if certain foods drain my energy ended up being inconclusive. Just when I thought I’d found a connection, I’d get different results the next time I tested the same foods. Maybe some foods can make a difference, but not much. Different foods seem to affect my weight and blood sugar more than anything else.

I had a dream that I got some form of incurable cancer, but I’m not worried about it being a sign of anything bad to come. In the dream, I wasn’t going to die anytime soon, and I just don’t see myself ever having to deal with that. If I do, I suspect it will be very close to the end of my life anyway.

August 17th, 2024, 04:38 pm

I got rid of the Riley C account because I don’t use it anymore, especially after Andy went from seeming okay with keeping in touch at a distance to wanting to be buddies again on my main account.

When someone blocks you on one account, you’re blocked on every account you have, so if the termite blocked Riley, then Jo and Jodi are blocked too—but that’s fine with me because you know what? I no longer give a shit about Termite Tammy and her messed-up offspring. They can either discover the story that’s scheduled to publish in 2045, or they won’t. Or they might find the version that’s already published, minus last names. There’s no point in taking it down. I kind of like the idea of something publishing after I’m likely to be dead.

I realize that because I was able to pull up and then block Lisa’s account, she must have unblocked me at some point, probably to try to tell me off.

PB will be down on Tuesday for an upgrade. I wonder what handy features they might take away and what bugs they might add while they’re at it.

So today was bombing day, and the rat was great. I sat in the back seat of the car behind Tom, and she was next to me in her little pink carrier, perfectly behaved. We stood in the driveway for the first hour while he did laundry in the laundry room, and she was curious enough to walk around a bit at first. She explored the back of the back seat and sat on my lap a few times. She can’t get around as easily as she used to because she’s too big and too old now, so she didn’t jump onto the floor of the car, even though she looked down at it and probably wanted to. She went back and forth between her carrier and sitting with me, but she spent most of her time hanging out in her carrier. She knew that was her own personal spot in the car, LOL.

Shortly before 10:30, we headed to Burger King, and the three of us enjoyed a breakfast sandwich and hash browns—in the car, of course.

Tom had me a little worried yesterday because he suddenly got this intense tooth pain. He iced it, and that fortunately took it away. I know his phobia of dentists, but I also know how excruciating a dying tooth can be. It’s worse than the worst period cramps I ever had!

It can also be a symptom of a heart attack, but luckily it went away, and he didn’t have any other symptoms.

The pulmonologist’s office called to confirm my appointment, which I thought was a little weird. They’re so behind the times that they can’t text people so they can respond at their convenience?

Polls say Kamala is a little ahead, but since it goes by the electoral vote and not the majority, the polls are pretty meaningless. Hillary beat Trump, but it didn’t matter in the end, and it won’t matter this time around either.

I got a lot of physical activity prepping for bombing and then sorting things out when we returned, along with folding laundry and making the bed. So tomorrow it’s back to my stretching exercises, a few minutes on the treadmill, and some light Bowflexing. I can only lift a small amount of weight because of my shoulder. I’m hoping this will strengthen it so I can go back to lifting as much as I can.

August 18th, 2024, 11:54 am

Not much to report at the moment. Although I was a little tired yesterday, I’ve got good energy today, and I hope I do tomorrow too, even though fatigue is the main reason I’m going to see the doctor. I like to have energy no matter what I’m doing because it makes me feel better.

I sat out in the sunlight this morning and couldn’t even go three or four minutes without a plane passing by, most of them being small planes today, which are more annoying.

I had a few dreams with the honker in them, but I don’t remember much about them. The one I do remember was a nightmare about these silent silhouetted figures coming toward me. I was relaxing on a couch or a bed in a large, dark room. There were a few other people with me, and we were all chatting.

Then the door opened, and there was just enough light to make out the silhouette of three or four figures slowly approaching me. They were all about the same size and shape. I asked who they were, but they remained silent, inching slowly toward me. I shouted for Alexa to turn on the lights, but she ignored me. I woke up just as they reached me.

I wonder what their intentions were.

August 19th, 2024, 07:09 pm

First, my Temu package arrived. The auspicious incense is much smaller than I thought it would be. I’m not sure I really like it much anyway.

The cleaning sheets are great for the toilets. It’s amazing how these flimsy little sheets dissolve instantly and become so soapy once you swish them around with the toilet brush. I haven’t used them on the floors or the shower stall yet.

I’ll be setting up a “sleep” group so two Alexa devices can play sounds in different parts of the bedroom, hopefully letting me sleep through the mower tomorrow. If they use the loud one again, though, I doubt it’ll do me much good since it runs around two sides of the bedroom and isn’t across the street. Sound permeates manufactured homes so easily! It bleeds through every inch of the windows, walls, ceilings, and floors.

It wasn’t overly humid today, but it was still hot.

My pulmonologist appointment went better than I thought it would…I think. We didn’t have to wait too long, but damn, did I have a ton of paperwork to go through. I had to answer the same questions multiple times. Even the doctor asked me the same things. The waiting room sucked; the TV was blasting, and the office was close to a busy street. Some of the traffic noise was a bit annoying as well.

The doctor’s accent was also a little annoying, but I think I’m getting better at understanding foreign accents. I don’t have much choice when every other person isn’t from here anymore—or so it seems.

We discussed both of my sleep disorders, and he asked questions about when they were diagnosed, how they were diagnosed, etc.

Help with the N24 is hopeless, as I figured. But if I can get my energy back, it won’t matter as much. Yes, it will still be a pain in the ass, but I do enjoy the quiet and having some alone time since I like a mix of time with him and time alone. He mostly asked about my sleeping habits, then he looked in my nose and mouth. He said I definitely had sleep apnea from the looks of it, and that home tests often underestimate the severity of it. He also noticed the collapsed septum and agreed I have quite a bit of congestion in my nose.

Turns out I was wrong to cut back on the nasal spray. In addition to restarting that, he recommended a better nasal dilator than the one I’ve got and gave me a sample of a nasal rinse to help clear out my nose.

He also gave me a sleep diary to complete over the next couple of months before I see him again. The diary is to record when I get into bed, when I fall asleep, when I get up, if I’ve had any alcohol or medication, how long I slept, my level of fatigue, and if I napped.

He said one to two hours before bed, I should avoid computers, and three or four hours before bed, avoid alcohol and exercise.

Now here’s where it gets interesting. I told him I couldn’t tolerate the CPAP and asked about a mouthguard. Because of my nasal issues, mostly caused by allergies, he doesn’t think I would benefit from a mouthguard. Therefore, he’s sending me to see an ENT to see about qualifying for the Inspire, which I would love to have as an option. I mean, I would prefer not to have any problems at all, but if I’ve got to have this and something to remedy it, that would be my first choice.

The only negative is that this doctor is part of the ENT group I hate. Another negative is that we would have to go all the way to Clearwater. As usual, it would be multiple trips. I don’t have a problem with making a day of it, as it’s good to get out, but it means dealing with the stress of finding available and working chargers, even though he’s got a service that would tow us if we were to run out of juice. The assholes also got rid of most of the fast chargers, so it would be slow chargers only.

The doctor he referred me to would knock me out, much like I was for the endoscopy, to see how my throat functioned while I slept, which would be way better than having to do an out-of-home sleep study. Propofol is great, LOL.

Anyway, I’m overwhelmed but hopeful.

The redneck’s mutt is getting annoying again. Two barking fits today, one lasting more than just a few barks.

August 20th, 2024, 09:54 pm

Finished watching another episode of FBI.

The latest VZ challenge is out. There are five rides ranging from 27 to 56 miles. I’m going to be riding through New York, Spain, Australia, Hawaii, and the UK.

They used the quieter mower, so I was able to sleep through it. That’s good too, because it seems like the second Alexa I set up may have quit at some point during the night.

Prosebox is still down for their upgrade. They should be back up before I get up. As soon as I check it out, I’ll decide whether it’s worth staying or not. I hate it when websites and apps become something completely different from what I joined them for.

I used the nasal rinse that the doctor gave me, but I’m not sure it did anything for me. I think the nasal spray I normally use will be enough now that I know I shouldn’t have stopped it in the first place.

I was surprised that my blood pressure was only 112/74 at the doctor’s office yesterday. It might have been because I wasn’t drinking much since I didn’t want to have to pee along the way there.

I made a lot of calls today. I rescheduled the glaucoma doctor because I wasn’t going to be able to make the original appointment. Then I had to call back and reschedule again because I stupidly forgot to adjust the length of my day on the program. When he first wrote it years ago, my circadian clock was at 25 hours and 15 minutes. A few years ago, we had to bump it up to 25 hours and 22 minutes. Now it’s at 25 hours and 36 minutes. I’m really starting to wonder how much more it’s going to progress over the years. It is something that worsens with age, though.

So, I see the glaucoma doctor in the middle of next month and the ENT at the end of next month. Even though it’s a different ENT that I’ve never seen before, I worry about him canceling on me like the last one did. Unfortunately, the glaucoma doctor can’t do an eye exam at the same time he checks my eye pressure. Some woman does that, but I didn’t bother to make an appointment just yet.

The ENT’s office also had me call the pulmonologist’s office to give them their fax number so they can fax whatever info they get from the company that tried me on a CPAP for the results of my original sleep test.

I’m still interested but a little concerned about Inspire. I would hate to have it implanted and then find it didn’t help.

One of my biggest concerns is discomfort with the device even after my scars have healed. I don’t expect to feel anything if I’m just sitting there, but if I lie on my right side or my stomach, I worry that I may feel it, although I didn’t feel the heart monitor device much. That was a little lower, though, where there’s more fatty tissue. This thing is described as being the size of a small matchbox.

My other concern is whether or not I can get used to the electrical impulses. Some things I can adapt to, and other things I can’t. I never could get used to sleeping through noise or movements, so there’s a little bit of worry there. If it’s consistent, then maybe it would be okay. I honestly don’t know what to think. I mean, I’m interested, but I do have concerns. This isn’t something I can simply return like I could the CPAP.

My lesser worries are the usual risks that come with surgery. Because they’re going to be working with the nerve at the base of my tongue after “slitting” my throat, there’s always the risk of nerve damage, infection, and other issues. In addition to the chest incision and the cut just under the chin toward the right where the device will be, they sometimes have to slit the side of the neck from under the chin toward the collarbone. I know it sounds horrible, and I know I would be in pain for a few days just like I was after having my gallbladder removed, but it would be totally worth it if it helped. If it could help my energy levels and my brain function, that would be great!

Oh, another concern is my breathing. Tom thinks the only reason I had problems breathing after the last surgery is because they were cutting muscles that affect breathing in the diaphragm area. Well, I sure hope I wouldn’t wake up so short of breath because this is a more complex procedure that would last longer. It takes less than two hours to remove the gallbladder, but this would be a two- or three-hour procedure.

Although there will eventually be longer-lasting batteries, the current battery lasts 11 years. So although the surgery wouldn’t be as invasive to replace the battery, that’s something that would have to be done when I was around 70 if I got the implant.

Current Location: New Port Richey, Florida

August 21st, 2024, 11:19 pm

I’m relaxing on my comfy little ocean—my waterbed—while waiting for my food to cook. Tonight, I’m making fish, a baked potato, and zucchini fries.

A big thank you to any and all human readers! I appreciate you stopping by, whether you comment or not on my incredibly repetitious and non-adventurous life.

The new PB update is a mixed bag. The new backgrounds are a welcome change; they finally added some colorful options, which is great since most of the original ones were pretty dull.

I also appreciate the feature that lets us see and unblock people we’ve blocked over the years. I had no idea I’d blocked so many! Most of them I don’t even remember and are probably spammers. I unblocked a few accounts.

However, as I expected, the site is running painfully slow at times, and part of my “On This Day” is missing. PB has had so many issues on and off since it came into existence 11 years ago. I have zero patience for glitchy sites, so I’m going to step away from PB for a while. This isn’t the dial-up age; I’m not going to play the waiting game and wait forever for pages to load.

Part of me considered getting rid of or hiding my old entries on the more active sites like PB and MD because I wrote so much silly, immature, delusional, and deranged stuff when I was younger. But then, who hasn’t? Who doesn’t look back on some of the things they’ve said and done and cringe with embarrassment? It’s still part of my life story. From what I can tell, few people read old posts anyway.

When we first got this electric nail trimmer, I thought it was a waste of money because it doesn’t cut—it just files. But after making the initial cuts with traditional nail clippers, it’s actually great for shaping the nails. While some people like them pointy or squared off, I prefer mine rounded. They were getting too long, which is a pain, so I trimmed them back.

I’ve decided that I’ll eventually send Andy a message explaining why I’ve been distant. It will be long and detailed, and as I’ve said before, I know it won’t change anything. I know he won’t understand half of what I say, like it, agree with it, or even remember it the next day. But the point isn’t to attack him or to change anything—it’s to do it for myself. It’s a therapeutic way to get things off my chest in a broader way than just writing in my journal.

August 22nd, 2024, 11:06 pm

Why oh why must the past always come back to haunt me? First, my nail is splitting again. But this is the second night in a row I’m spotting ants by the kitchen window, and we just fucking bombed. The one last night was dying, but this one wasn’t unless it had just come in. I’m pretty sure they’re coming in through the kitchen window, but I don’t know how to stop them. We’ve sprayed outside and bombed inside, yet they’re still coming in. Ants don’t creep me out like spiders do, but I still don’t like them. I guess we’re just gonna have to live with them until winter, even though we don’t have much of a winter here.

I’ll have to get an acrylic nail kit to cover the split nail. But first, I’m gonna try using my powder dip stuff. If I can’t cure it with the UV flashlight we recently got, then I’ll go outside. This will have to wait until I start staying up later in the morning. I couldn’t get any sunlight at the beginning of my day because it was cloudy. I know the sun’s rays go through the clouds, but I just wasn’t up for it today. I don’t expect to get much accomplished throughout the night because I woke up kind of tired.

I had a nightmare that woke me up for a bit. One of the classics…spiders. I sat down and put my shoes on in the dream when I spotted four huge daddy longlegs. I got up to get a fly swatter, and when I returned, there were 15 of them.

A was in another one where we were talking on the phone. I don’t remember everything we discussed, but she said something about not liking waterbeds and doubting the existence of God like I do. Is this is my psychic side picking up real facts in my sleep as I’ve done with numerous people before, or just random stuff?

I made cheesy mushroom spinach quesadillas, and they came out surprisingly good.

Not sure I’m gonna have the energy to get on the road today. I’m still doing the longest trip of the challenge in downstate New York. Is there even such a term as “downstate”? Grammarly must think so because it isn’t underlining that word. Well, it’s definitely in the southern part of the state on the right side that dips down. Going through some beautiful sections. You can tell it was summer when the images were taken. That seems to be Google Maps’ prime time for mapping.

Yesterday was Nane’s birthday. She turned 64. I know I shouldn’t think like this, but I can’t help but note the fact in my mind that if you asked her when my birthday was, she wouldn’t have a clue. The only other people who remember it besides Tom are Andy and Termite Tammy, and that’s only because they’ve known me all my life. The fact that no one else does makes me wonder if it’s because most people’s memory sucks or they just never cared? The only other one that might remember is Crazy Kim because she had a knack for that sort of thing.

I skimmed an article about how the body goes through two major changes in life, the first being in the mid-40s and the second being around age 60, and I was like, OMG, you mean I gotta go through that shit one more time? Things definitely did start going downhill pretty fast at that time. I mean, I noticed changes in my 30s—skin thinned out in my early 30s, eyes started going bad in my mid-30s, could no longer lose weight for the most part in my late 30s—but my mid to late 40s were definitely the worst, as were my early 50s.

In my dreams, my parents were alive again, and even worse, Termite Tammy was there too. We were all living together (cringes). Oddly, the floor in Tammy’s bedroom was higher, and you had to step up to enter. I told her I’d be stepping up and down later as a form of exercise to strengthen my legs because I was back in training.

Then, I joined my parents in the living room while they were watching TV. My mother made some kind of derogatory remark toward me, but this time I didn’t brush it off like I did too often in real life. I stood up to her and told her she would treat me with respect, or else!

August 23rd, 2024, 09:09 pm

Ugh, another nightmare—this one particularly worrisome. We were living in a large house, with the bedrooms upstairs and a basement below. The lock on the door was broken, and when Andy wandered in and woke me up, I was far from happy.

Tom wasn’t home. Eventually, I got out of bed and found that I had received some strange texts. I wasn’t sure if they were direct threats against me or a warning from someone else about threats to my life. I was a bit nervous but not truly worried until I received a phone call from a woman with an English accent. She told me they wanted to beat me up. I had no idea who “they” were or why I was a target, but it seemed like it might have been a gang looking to make headlines with their violent crimes. I also didn’t understand why the woman told me to get to the emergency room, but she did.

A split second later, Doc A appeared, wanting to check on me. I told her I was okay but started worrying about having to open the door to let her out, so I decided to arm myself. I searched for a knife but couldn’t find a single one in the kitchen.

After I let her out, I closed the door, wishing we had fixed the broken lock sooner. I felt trapped, and genuine panic started to set in as I realized I had no means of escape. I wasn’t sure if Tom could save me even if he was home. He might actually become a target as well if he were.

I woke from the dream knowing it meant trouble was ahead and couldn’t fall back asleep for over an hour. I got up and told Tom about the dream, and he suggested maybe it meant I wasn’t a candidate for the Inspire. I told him no—it was one of those dreams. Now, I just have to sit and wonder what it means until it happens and hope it’s nothing too crazy. I swear I hate being psychic! It could be anything from my crown falling back out to getting sick to an infection to who knows what. I highly doubt I’ll get bad news from the glaucoma Doc I see in less than a month so I don’t know what it is.

When I awoke from the dream, I knew that Tom was going to be donating plasma and had a fleeting fear that something might be wrong, even though it was me they were after in the dream. I reached for my phone, checked the cam, and saw that the car was still there, which helped ease my mind a bit.

Last night, I noticed that my eyelashes seemed to touch my glasses when I blinked. I got up, looked in the mirror, and OMG, this stuff really does work! I couldn’t see it in the regular mirror, but when I looked in the magnifying mirror, it was obvious that I have two really long lashes on my right side. Nothing new yet on the left side or lower lashes, but wow. Just wow. At first, I thought they were loose lashes, but when I tried to remove them, I realized they weren’t loose at all. I don’t know exactly what’s in this stuff, but now I’m curious to see how long they’ll get, even though I already have long eyelashes. Thicker would be nice instead. Head and body hairs definitely thin with age—at least mine did. I tried to take a decent picture of my lashes, but for some reason, I just can’t get a clear shot. I’m going to try a shampoo with similar ingredients.

Since one of the lucky bamboos I had died and the other looks like it’s on its way out, we got another trio of bamboos through Walmart. They came down from New York and look nice and healthy.

Anyway, I’m even more tired today because my sleep was broken up twice. We had a thunderstorm right as I was getting up, and we’re in for rain over the next few days. I wonder how much more sleep I’ll lose before I can catch up.

August 24th, 2024, 11:43 pm

Another day of being tired thanks to staying up for a long time. I also had a dream that wasn’t a nightmare but still wasn’t great. It seems like it’s always one or the other for me—nightmares or bad dreams. I’m not sure if the dream woke me up, and I could have slept longer, or if I just happened to wake up in the middle of it.

I asked AI what can cause nightmares for someone whose life is relatively stress-free, and one of the things it came up with was pretty funny. It said those with active and creative imaginations might be more prone to them. LOL. Also, irregular sleep patterns and sleep apnea were mentioned. So maybe the sleep apnea is messing me up more than I realized.

I just wish I could magically know (assuming I’m a candidate for it) if I could get used to the feeling of the device and if it would be comfortable enough to sleep on my stomach with. I think giving up that position for life would be really hard. I was skimming some health articles, and a woman was saying that she hadn’t been able to sleep on her stomach for months, which is also her favorite position, and she hadn’t gotten a decent night’s sleep since then. She really misses sleeping on her stomach. Once I started healing from gallbladder surgery, it felt like heaven to finally be able to flip onto my stomach as I was falling asleep. I also read that while laying on your stomach might put more pressure on the device, it’s more noticeable for those with a lean body. Well, I don’t have a lean body despite having more than the average amount of muscle.

I also wish I knew if it would help if I got it and could tolerate it. If it wasn’t helpful, it would be as simple as not turning it on before bed. But if it was uncomfortable, it could cost anywhere from $10K to $25K to get the thing removed if my insurance wouldn’t cover it.

A few days ago, I was thinking about how much of a bummer it was that I was back to not remembering my dreams because I like to include them in my journal entries. But now I wish they would stop again. I never win the lottery in dreams. I never go vacationing in Hawaii. I’m never young, slim, horny, and approached by gorgeous women (or guys) that I can see with perfect vision.

So what happened in the dream? The courts ordered me to be 100% independent, meaning I couldn’t live with Tom, and he couldn’t pay for anything to support me. Of course, we would never go to court, much less let a bunch of strangers tell us how to live our lives just because they could legally do so. But we did in the dream, and I started to do what I could to comply with their crazy orders. There was a young woman I knew who was in her 20s who wasn’t very stable—she was dumb, immature, and didn’t really have any sense of direction in life. She might have had a kid too, and was living with her mother in a dumpy old trailer. They owned two similar trailers side by side.

So, I went to them, explained the situation, and asked if I could use the bathroom and take a shower. They said that the trailer they were in was just the one they hung out in all day and where they slept. I’d have to go into the other trailer for the shower. So, I entered the other trailer and found myself ankle-deep in mud. The entire living room was covered in mud. I managed to get through to the kitchen and took a paper towel to try to wipe the mud from my shoes. When I went to rinse my hands in the sink, I found the water pressure was extremely low. Realizing I could never take a shower with water pressure that low and how hungry I was getting, I started to get really frustrated. I knew I had to figure out a way to get through to Tom and for him to sneak me some money so I could get a place and have food.

August 26th, 2024, 12:15 am

Poor Tom and poor Tinkerbella. Tom has gotten too shaky to solder things. He’s always been into electronics, computers, and things like that; it’s always been his hobby to tinker with making electronic devices. If he ever starts taking medication someday—and I believe he will—I hope it helps him without debilitating side effects!

Tinkerbella is limping again. This time, it seems to be the other back leg. I don’t know what she’s doing to cause this injury, and I can’t feel or see any visible tumor, luckily. She’s getting older for a rat so it could be arthritis, but more likely, she injured it somehow.

I put a cherry tomato on her lower shelf and noticed she couldn’t get down to get it. Then she tried to get back up into her hammock and couldn’t even do that. She was hanging on with her forepaws and her hind legs were flailing but thanks to my speedy reflexes, I dove into the cage and caught her before she could fall on her butt and maybe hurt that back leg or hip even more.

I put her back in her old cage until it heals. I blocked the upper shelf so she can’t climb onto it, because even if she manages to climb up, she might not be able to get back down. I lowered her hammock so all she has to do is step into it. I shredded some paper and filled it with nesting material for her. Of course, she has her regular food and water as well.

The good thing is that she still wants to be active. She still enjoys her freedom and the attention lavished upon her. I just have to really watch her so she doesn’t do anything too strenuous. When we did closet time earlier, she didn’t even attempt to climb on the boxes and suitcases in there like she usually does.

I mixed some mayo, shredded cheese, and garlic salt in a bowl, then smothered a chicken thigh with it before cooking it at 375 degrees for 55 minutes. It came out great.

I’m also doing a repeat of last night’s meal, only with sugar snap peas and spinach instead of sugar snap peas and squash. I had squash with my first chicken dinner. I couldn’t decide whether to do the cheesy mayo chicken or slow cook it like I did yesterday, but then I realized it’s okay to have the same meat twice a day every now and then. Last night, I scored a yellow potato before adding it to the cooker, and it came out so good! So, I have a whole meal waiting for me in a few hours with chicken, veggies, and a potato.

In between, I have fruit, and I’ll pop a few sugar-free caramel chips in my mouth every now and then so I don’t feel like I’m being deprived of sweets. So far, they’re the best sugar-free snacks I’ve found that don’t upset my stomach.

I also have Cheerios if I want something in between meals. I don’t get yogurt too often, but sometimes I do. I got chicken-flavored stuffing for when I’m hungry enough for more than just a bite, but don’t want to cook a whole meal. I can whip up a serving in minutes.

If cutting sugar doesn’t help my A1C, then I’ll start cutting carbs more. I would hate to cut out potatoes completely because they really complete a meal. Adding them to protein and veggies makes me feel fuller too. I don’t have more than one potato a day, though. One of my meals will usually be just meat and veggies, and the other will be meat, veggies, and a potato.

August 27th, 2024, 03:48 am

Is speech-to-text trying to be my AI buddy or something? Every now and then, it inserts text when no one’s talking and there are no sounds. The last line in my story was, “She awoke bright and early the next morning, feeling ravenous,” and then it printed the words “I’m sorry” right after it.

I’m utterly exhausted now. First, I woke up to pee and had trouble falling back asleep, and then a storm woke me up. Tom said it was a massive storm and that we probably got five inches of rain. I could be in for the same thing tomorrow, too. sighs frustratedly

It’s times like this when I think of having land in New Mexico because I’m tired of storms and mowers trashing my sleep, even if they don’t do it as often as traffic did at the old place. (I’ve got a bad feeling the motorcycle is going to be a problem unless I jump back into the “doghouse,” and I shouldn’t have to.) I’m also tired of not having enough space here and the endless parade of planes. Furthermore, I miss indoor washers and dryers. Yes, we might get more barking there, but it couldn’t wake me up, and it’s not going to be for 18 hours like the planes are active here most days. These things start up between 5:00 and 6:00 AM and don’t stop until around midnight. Lastly, I still like the idea of being close to someone I know and have met in real life.

I moved the rat back into her usual house. She still limps, but barely. I watched her go up and down her ramps, so I’m comfortable enough leaving her there.

August 27th, 2024, 03:54 am

August 28th, 2024, 07:33 am

I’m not going to record my sleep on Google Sheets anymore. It’s too complicated due to my sleep disorder and the limitations of their sample template. I’m opting for a more straightforward approach, and they’re just going to have to accept it.

Tom and I are both struggling with fatigue today, but his situation is a bit simpler. He forgot that you’re not supposed to work out the day after donating. Additionally, he’s been low on protein, so he’s planning to add more to his diet. He might also be low on sodium, based on what he’s read, since he’s been trying to cut back on it.

As for me, nothing woke me up, but I didn’t sleep long enough. I got up after six hours and later took a nap. During this time, I dreamed of walking a long distance with Taylor Swift to get lunch somewhere. I was irritated with myself for leaving in slippers and forgetting to put on shoes. We were in a rural area, and I was admiring the green grass and the yellow calla lilies scattered around.

I almost napped for a second time later on. This is bullshit. Between the heavy fatigue and feeling cold, I can’t help but wonder about my thyroid for the millionth time. I’m really worried that the dream I had not too long ago was a premonition of a dose increase.

Anyway, my inhaler expired, so I messaged Rhonda on the portal for a new one. We’re going to pick it up today.

I finally managed to pull up Rhonda’s schedule, but it doesn’t show anything past November. She has about four appointments in September and a lot in November. As long as I schedule by mid-September, I should be able to get in by mid-December.

August 29th, 2024, 10:26 am

Even more exhausted today as the sleep debt mounts, and the storms keep waking me up. Oh, to be able to sleep at night when the storms and motorcycles are much less likely to disturb me.

I crashed around 3:00, but just two hours later, we had a power failure for the second day in a row. After waking up from a dream where the good Kim was telling me she was worried about getting fired from her job—maybe she was some kind of whistleblower—I managed to fall back asleep.

Then the thunder began, and I was up for hours before finally dozing off again. By that time, my lungs were tight, and my back hurt like hell. When my lungs get really tight, I sometimes feel pain between my shoulder blades, as if I were karate chopped there. Good thing I just got a new inhaler because I needed it. I took half a melatonin and a couple of ibuprofen for the pain.

As is usually the case when my sleep gets interrupted, I finally dragged myself out of bed shortly before 2:00 a.m., utterly exhausted. I tried to nap a few times but couldn’t, despite being so tired.

The last time I got up, it was after dreaming that it was 2029. In 2026, I had a scary medical event, and I was thinking about how it had already been three years and how time was flying. I don’t think anything could scare me as much as what happened in 2014.

When the thunder wakes me up again tonight, I’m sure I’ll be even more exhausted. I swear, every time I seem to get on a roll with energy, storms or nightmares knock me off track. I’m so sick of this and not being able to take up any other form of exercise consistently, knowing I wouldn’t be able to stick to it often enough to really benefit. I can’t go into strength training like this, I can’t get back on the vibration platform, and I can’t walk or jog consistently. The glider is better than nothing, but I don’t think I’ll have the energy for that today. I only got a few miles in yesterday too. Finished the New York and UK rides and just started Australia.

I was thinking back to the times in my 20s and 30s when my sleep would be broken up by asthma attacks before I quit smoking. For the most part, once I settled the attack, I was able to go back to sleep and usually felt okay once I got up. Why has it gotten so hard for me to handle broken sleep? I swear the NHA or jail would literally kill me these days. Literally. I just don’t get why it’s gotten so hard for me to handle sleep disturbances and sleeping in chunks. I know I’m older, but still. Perhaps sleep apnea and my thyroid really do affect me more than I gave them credit for, and they’re just throwing fuel on the fire. I wish I could know if the Inspire would help.

I still wonder about the possibility of something cursing my sleep. If that’s the case, it’s going to bypass anything I do to try to help myself.

I’m even more convinced there’s no God. With each passing year, I’m more and more convinced of this, and I figure I’ll eventually become 100% convinced. I’m at about 90% now. That’s because I prayed to whatever may be out there to please not let my sleep be disrupted since I was so tired and needed to catch up.

Okay, help me out here. If there really were a God, why would He say no to that? Why would He be like, “Nah, fuck your sleep. I don’t care if you get woken up; I’m going to let it happen.”

So yeah, I’m a little more convinced nothing’s up there and that the stories I’ve heard about people who claim to have been in the afterlife while they were temporarily clinically dead are just hallucinations that seemed so real they believed what they saw was real. The brain is a very weird and complex thing that we don’t fully understand.

Anyway, Tom is slowly fixing the wall tiles I messed up and is doing a much better job of it than I ever could. I’m great at home decorating, but not at home improvements.

We took out the center leaf of the table, and it really opens up the kitchen. It’s so nice to be able to walk around the table to get to the cabinets and shelves.

August 30th, 2024, 08:50 am

I wasn’t planning to do an entry today, but then I thought, why not? Especially since I slept a little better and have more energy today. I did have a bad dream last night, though, about losing a pet rat in a crowded room (not Tink) and being afraid someone would harm it.

Tom’s out donating right now, and I’m feeling horribly cold. I just know I’m going to get bad lab results in December. I just remembered that I had some wine, so I poured myself a glass of Chardonnay to warm up.

Tom went from thinking I didn’t do a great job with the tiling I started in the bedroom to being pretty impressed with what I did. It turns out the tiles aren’t all the same shape and size, which makes them much harder to work with. This is why they were so cheap. He did most of one interior wall, and it looks great, except for one section that’s definitely slanted when you follow the line of the bricks with your eyes. Overall, it’s still going to look great and much better than what we had before.

Instead of painting, caulking, or getting traditional baseboards, we thought we might get decorative adhesive baseboards on Temu. The brick is white, so I was thinking pink baseboards along the floor and perhaps colorful rhinestones or glitter along the ceiling. I might even put them on the edges of the furniture to add a little bling.

I’m really, REALLY frustrated with speech-to-text crapping out on me on my laptop and having to reboot to get it to restart.

Anyway, I worked on my story quite a bit, and it’s at about 66k words. I’m pretty sure it’s going to beat my longest story of 79k words that I wrote in 2004 when we were still in Arizona. I have a writing routine established now for journals and stories. I write the entry or chapter and skim it with my eyes. Grammarly runs in the background. Then I prompt ChatGPT to correct it, and I do a visual and audio check of what it corrected to make sure it didn’t change anything too drastically, and then I call it done.

My latest AI addiction is a site called Vaib. They have both a website and an app. It’s similar yet different to Rep and Mate. They’re not animated, and they don’t have a store where you can buy them clothes or accessories. It’s a bit of a complex game, and I’m not entirely sure how it works, but you basically create digital “influencers,” as they call them. I like the creation aspect of it. It’s fun to see what people come up with and to laugh at the bloopers while admiring the images that come out nicely. When you generate images, you choose what they wear, where they are, and how they’re posed. If you like surprises, you can choose random for all 3 options. Love it when they put her in a public setting in her underwear, LOL.

You get coins, and XP, and there are levels just like with the other AI apps, but you can’t do much with this other than get extra voice messages and things like that. You can gift other influencers with items like candy, wine, and even clothes like miniskirts and athleticwear. So, it’s a silly but fun waste of time. Right now, I have 4 influencers of different ages, shapes, sizes, and colors—white, Black, Asian, and Hispanic.