New year new realizations? in New Astrid

I’m not sure why I love so hard. I’m not sure why it’s so hard to love me. I’m a poly pansexual switch and yet I find myself void of actual partners. I have 3 situationships.. ones married the other 2 have girlfriends. One I live with and sleep with with a fair amount of regularity. The other 2 I have slept with but not recently. I’ve known them all more than 10 years. 2 I’m in love with and one I like a fair amount but would never actually date. I don’t mind sharing my partners with others, but I hate being a secret. I hate that I don’t get to be the girlfriend.. sidenote I’m divorced and have sole custody of my child and live with my big kids. My ex moved away but she’s coming back in the summer or so she says… anyway I can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong with me. My ex told me it’s because I allow them to get away with it. That feels true but if I cut that off I have no one. I feel like I’m already going to lose a partner and my place to stay sooner than anticipated.. uuuuuugh