Thursday in Das Book

I still don’t like coming up with titles for things. I am really tired today - Last night I didn’t get home until 12:30 and then Alex and I stayed up until 1 trading stories about our evenings. Lindsey, a girl from my cohort, put together a full-moon drum circle on the lake shore near her house. It was really lovely. It was also the first time I have willingly left the house in awhile. I biked out there with Cody, who is probably the person in the cohort that I feel closest to. It was nice biking in the dark, under the full moon, spinning fast and smelling all of the night smells.

I’ve been really smelling things lately. On the ride there was the mucky pond smell when we passed the little “lake”. There were cow smells and hay smells when we passed a few little farms. There was a chemical, modeling-glue-ish smell when we passed by the airport. And then as we were drumming I was hyper-aware of the way all of the people smelled. One girl had this sweet, musky scent that was really incredible. I told her she smelled wonderful and she said, “That’s like the best compliment ever!”

I am feeling really ready for this counseling session. I got so triggered last week by my practice client. As soon as he said the word “alcoholic” I felt like someone had poured a bucket of ice water over my heart. I guess it’s time to start dealing with Daddy issues. It feels so insurmountable. I am impatient for that shit to be dealt with, even though I’m aware that this stuff takes time and will never actually be over. That makes me more reluctant to start than anything else.

Today during my Helping Relationships class we were instructed to share movement with our practice client, using empathy to inform our responses. I paired up with my favorite person to pair with - she doesn’t make me feel as shy or self-aware (in a bad/weird/critical way) as a lot of other people do. She is feeling really, really sad lately. She curled up into a little ball on the ground. I put my hand on her back. Then she curled up next to a rock (we were outside) and I sat on the other side of the rock and let it support my body, as well. When she did me I curled up on my side and laid on the ground for a long time. I let the grass tickle the palm of my hand, then found steadiness in the earth with it. She sat and witnessed. Eventually I felt open enough to lay on my back and stare at the cloudy sky through the browning leaves of the cottonwood tree, and I could smell it so acutely.