The NFL and the domestic violence scandal is all over the news. People are filling twitter with hashtags such as #whyistayed or #whyileft.
I know people - people right now, today - who are victims of domestic violence.
It is haunting because people are looking at Janae Rice and wondering why she doesn’t just leave. I’ve heard this on talk radio, media, in blogs, and on websites. At some point, someone says, “It’s not all Ray Rice’s fault. Why doesn’t she just leave him?”
If you are reading this, and you were (or are) a victim of domestic violence, you might understand.
Even the term “domestic violence” is far more than one person beating on another. Domestic violence encompasses psychological, economic, emotional, or sexual abuse. (You can read more about this here: http://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence )
I am the victim of domestic violence.
When I was 18, I lived with my boyfriend. We were in economic turmoil. It was the only time in my life that I got food stamps. We had no job. Our relationship was strained and we were too young. (He was 21). One day, while we were driving somewhere with my sister, we got into an argument. I was in the passenger’s seat of the car, he in the driver’s seat. During the fight, I smacked him (hard) in the arm. He reached over and backhanded me; my lip began to bleed.
My sister saw all of this and when we left her out of the car, she was crying, shouting, “You hit my sister! I saw you hit my sister, you fucker!”
I had a fat lip. I hid from my parents for days.
Why I stayed: I loved him. He said he wouldn’t do it again (to be fair, he didn’t).
Why I left: After we were evicted from our apartment for non-payment and the car he bought for us was repossessed…I knew (even at 18) that it was a dead end.
When I was 19, I met the guy I really thought I would marry. For several months, things were terrific, but I was still in love with my ex-boyfriend too. After being with him for about six months, I discovered that he had tapped my house phone, capturing conversations I was having between me and my ex.
We reconciled somehow after that.
After we were together a year and a half, we moved in together. Not long before that, he began verbally abusing me. Called me stupid. Called me fat - “big butt” was one of his favorites. I thought it was just his sardonic sense of humor, but it hurt. When we finally got a cat together, he abused the cat. He let the cat roam on our front patio at our apartment, apparently believing that you could train a cat in the same way as a dog. But when the cat ran into a tree, he removed the cat by dragging him by the tail and threw him into the bathtub. I was afraid he would die. I can still remember the shocked look of my neighbor as he saw my boyfriend acting this way. Later, when I lived with him, an argument escalated to the point where he smashed my beloved tower-speaker stereo with a hammer.
I filed a restraining order against him but I later willingly dropped it.
Why I stayed: I thought I could change him, I thought things would go back to the way they were.
Why I left: He broke up with me, which was the greatest gift I was ever given short of my divorce.
Jon abused me too.
Not physically. He has never really touched me. He abused me financially, economically.
It’s hard to conceptualize that what he did to me was abuse. But through therapy and a lot of self-reflection, I know that it was. His unilateral actions with our finances - actions that at times put us in great danger - were abusive. The lies that he told so many times to cover those actions (redirecting mail, changing passwords, hiding money) were abusive. He abused me and he abused my children by risking their future and putting us in terrible jeopardy.
I’m not sure if a single incident of this would rise to the level of abuse, but his repeated actions - in 2013, it was twice in one year - rose to the level of abuse.
Why I stayed: Because he finally got REAL help. Because he finally recognized that he was abusing everyone, including himself. He spent time in therapy; I wasn’t thrilled with a lot of it and thought it was a waste but some of it actually stuck and mattered. Because he agreed to change - REALLY change - and he has mostly stuck to that commitment of total transparency, complete accountability, and zero tolerance.
Why I left: I didn’t leave. For a long time I wanted to. For a long time, I felt I couldn’t. There is truth in that last statement; leaving would have been close to impossible. Financially, I was dependent. My children love their father and he is, by and large, a very good father to them. The damage of breaking up the family was frightening, and on a day to day basis, their lives were good and decent.
But more than that, it was about me. It was a process of reflection, knowing that I had not been perfect either. I had retaliated, and while I have (and always will) apologize for what I did, there is a part of me that fully owns that and says: TOO FUCKING BAD. I have never repeated my mistake and I doubt I ever will.
Even me being less than perfect didn’t mean that I “deserved” anything that happened to me. I have taken a very “Reaganeque” approach - trust but verify. I have access to verifying everything now.
Why I stayed: Because this is a man that sits next to me in church, who held my dying twins, and who truly is flawed but who really does love me.
I’m also in year one of a three year graduate program. A graduate degree, even in social work, doesn’t pay too badly. So, there’s that.
Don’t suffer in silence. It’s not easy to leave, and it’s not easy to stay. If you can’t leave, get a good counselor. Talk to your family. Get support. Get help. You are worth it.
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