OKAY.
I'm going in. I'm going to try to break my PB cherry here. I am going to reveal something here that hasn't been revealed anywhere else. Maybe that will be the mojo I need.
Before I do that, however...I am trying to add people that leave me notes if I recognize you and such. Sometimes it doesn't happen.
I also relentlessly go back to THERE and try and try and TRY to make it work. I know not many people can read my shit over there because, if it works for you the way it works for me, you can't read bookmarks much either.
Anyway. Relationship update.
It is what it is and basically, it sucks. Tonight, I was getting Chelsea ready for bed. I said, "Honey, it's almost time for bed." And she said, "Should we wait for Daddy?"
I wanted to lose it. He had been there last night (didn't work) but he won't see the children until Saturday morning now. He works until 11:30 nearly every night.
The night he DIDN'T work was the night I thought maybe we'd fool around. NEVER MIND THAT. Never happened and he was actually pissed about it. (really?) Wow. You suck, dude. You suck so bad. Why the FUCK AM I HERE? I hate you! Dick. He got all pissy with me later at night. He has no concept of when he's falling asleep. He just doesn't. I can't stand that. You start to talk to him and you hear a little snore...you say, "Hello, you're asleep" and he gets fucking belligerent. rolls eyes GOD. Honestly. This is what life is reduced to?
Fuck you. Just fuck it all. Why does Chelsea say things like that?
sigh
Nothing new with Hubby's job except he is going to be fired and he acts half like he can't believe it. Fucking seriously? He has a free ticket to do pretty much whatever he wants and he won't even take it. Each night, he checks the Asshole Ops Manager's email but he acts like it's a fucking chore. He's also not nearly thorough enough. He talks a good game - "oh I'm gonna go in there and say THIS to him" - and then clams up like a fool. This dude is going to take your job, okay? Maybe you want to rattle some cages before you're THROWN THE FUCK OUT? Whaddya think?
No. He just buries his head, works more hours. Thinks that will do it. It won't do it. The trail of broken shit that he's caused is just too much to bear. The broken dreams.
Three weeks before this shit went down in August, three weeks before I realized that he'd lied about my daughter's tuition and has been dishonest in this relationship longer than he's been honest...three weeks before that, he came to me with this really serious proposition.
He was dead serious, he said. He'd been praying (and hes' not a praying guy, but apparently God wasn't telling him EVERYTHING, like quit lying to your wife!!!) and he said he felt something he needed to tell me.
Okay then. What?
HE - yes, HE - brought me the photograph of a young girl in Bulgaria. Just like I had done 18 months before.
A girl. I hate girls!
He has never done anything like this, but he just believed that this young girl was meant to be in our family. We had talked - not at all seriously - about adoption again. We had talked about an older child because of the experience we'd had with my nephew over the early part of the summer. It had worked out so well. Chelsea wasn't bothered or even threatened. Joshua had a playmate. We knew how challenging finding good homes for older children was.
The girl was very pretty, and she was healthy. She had some teeth issues and she needed new glasses. Most of all, according to her write up, she had asked for a family with younger siblings. She was known as a good little caretaker in her orphanage and got along with some of the younger, special needs children.
Never, ever in a million years, has my husband come to me about something like this. The years and years that I thought we would adopt (really since 2006) he never came to ME. Joshua was primarily MY idea. He quickly warmed to it but if I hadn't been the instigator in that one, he might be somewhere ,but he wouldn't be asleep upstairs.
I couldn't believe it. Remember: This is all BEFORE I KNEW ANYTHING. This is when I thought things were different; financially...between us...all of it.
I told him I would think about it for a few days. In those days, he kept bringing her up. Again, I couldn't really believe it. I still can't fully explain why he was so interested. By this point, he knew what he was doing was wrong and his shrink had already told him "You have to tell your wife".
In hindsight, it reeked of that "let's have a baby to save the marriage". I wasn't thinking that, but I think he was (He swears he wasn't.) If it truly wasn't that, it was the most boneheaded, stupid, most reckless, just dumbass DUMB thing to even suggest, knowing what he knew.
But after a few days, I thought maybe it was a good idea. A non-special needs child might be a good fit. She was with the agency and the facilitator we'd always wanted to use. She lived with other children who had special needs. She'd have a Bulgarian brother. I admit I wasn't as connected to her as I had been nearly the moment I saw Joshua's picture, but I quickly said we would begin a home study update. I contacted our social worker to discuss the plan to eventually bring a 12 year old Bulgarian girl into our home.
You never heard about that, but why would you have? We didn't have much of anything done until........
(shh. Hear that? It was the bottom dropping out of my life)
One of the first things that I said to Hubby when all of this came out was, "you understand, there IS no adoption."
Do you know that he was shocked? Do you know that he actually argued with me? DO YOU KNOW WHAT LITTLE SENSE THAT MAKES?
Jesus. Asshole. Are you insane?
Maybe he thought the adoption would force me to stay.
Little did he know I have a 4 year old daughter who is doing her best to make that happen without his help. sigh
Obviously, and rightfully, this young lady who might have been adopted by us is not being adopted by us. She is currently sitting waiting to be matched to a new family. She has my husband to blame for that, since he couldn't keep his lying tongue in check, I guess. Apparently this (our life now) is easier than being honest with me was.
Tomorrow, Chelsea has a Fall Festival at her preschool and I'm trying to decide if I can manage both children in the chaos. My husband will miss Joshua's first halloween and I can't take my kids out to the farm like I wanted to get pumpkins.
This is my life.
This is what has happened to my life.
By the way, I hate having to use HTML tags for the text and desperately miss the Old Dump.
sigh
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