The scale finally arrived. I stepped on it last night because Novio wanted me to do it every night to see if I make any progress. And the results were not amazing, not perfect, and not what I expected. I immediately felt shame, guilt, fat, self conscious, self-hate, disgusting and sad. In a perfect world I would be able to keep my love for food (Novio thinks its more of an addiction than love) and keep my weight off, and love the idea of not eating carbs, sweets, or any of that fatty nonsense. It consumes my every thought. Eating food, the types of food, being skinny, being healthy, what does that even mean, why do I even care, I should love my body the way it is but I don’t so I should change it or make better changes for myself. The list just keeps on and on and often I have a hard time shutting it off.
Well, today is day 1 of trying to cut out a lot of crap out of my diet and I’m mad, angry, hungry, tired, my head hurts and I have aches and pain. I’m frustrated and aggravated and irritated at everything and all the things. My stomach hurts, my body hurts, and I most seriously hate this entire situation.
This week can end now. I just want to eat a piece of cake and go to bed and hide for a long time.
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