You're Still With Me Sunday, October 31, 2004
You slept with me last night. I could actually feel your breath against my neck. I tossed and turned all night trying to get away from feeling the warmth that you seemed to be creating. The whole night you kept saying my name, yet every time I responded you wouldn’t say anything more. It was just like those times you called me on the phone. Every time I answered the phone all I could do was hear you breathing. You never spoke unless I asked you specifically what you wanted from me. Your only reply: “You know what I want.”
My mom and dad have moved since we last saw each other. You already know this. You called them. When I think about hearing your voice again I get this sinking feeling. I feel as though I am lying down and something heavy is laying across my chest. It makes it so hard to breathe. I keep trying to get up, but something is holding me down. My Lord, listen to me. When you went back to Seattle you took my sanity. Now that I think about it I can’t help but wonder. If you had stayed here would I still have my sanity? What was the better trade off? Sending you away with my sanity, or keeping you here and keeping my sanity? There is no way for me to know.
I sometimes wonder where you and I would be at this point of our lives if we had remained together. Would you have beaten me by now? You beat the other girl. I know you did. You got very close to hitting me twice. The first time I hadn’t even done anything. You had backed me up against a wall. We had only been dating about a week. I was so confused. I wasn’t scared, just really confused. I didn’t know what I had done to make you so mad. I tried to leave but you grabbed my arm. Hard. The second time was the day I broke up with you. Man, you were so mad. You backed me up against a wall. Then everything went in slow motion. You were yelling at me and I was watching your hand out of the corner of my eye. I could see you making your hand into a fist. You began to raise your fist to me. Then something happened with me. I became this strong woman with incredible mind strength. Before you could hit me I stood up completely straight and looked dead set into your eyes and said, “Don’t touch me.” My words were ice cold but dead serious. I said the words with such conviction that you immediately backed off. However, you only backed off of me. Then you went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. Everything happened so slow it burned into my brain so that I would never forget. You stood in the kitchen and I stood in the living room. The kitchen had a cut out wall so that you could see into the living room. The kitchen counter is what separated us. You then raised the knife to your own neck. I felt my heart sink. At this point I was scared. At this point I mind began to panic. However, I knew that if I began to lose my cool, he just might slit his throat in front of me. I remember picturing him actually doing it. I remember thinking about seeing blood. I saw blood all over him and all over the kitchen floor leaving me alone with just blood and me. Finally after much staring at the knife to his throat I almost too quietly spoke to him. All I could do is ask him if I should call the police. His reply: “You think I am mad now? You just wait until I get out of jail.” It wasn’t until a few years later that I actually thought about that night and actually realized something that scared me. The night he took a knife to himself I never realized how easily that knife could have easily switched from his throat to mine. I was really in danger that night. The blood I pictured in my mind could have been my own.
I had all these thoughts under control. These thoughts were finally buried far into my brain. Then with one phone call from him and one dream about him, they are all back. Once again I must try to let go of him before he has so much control of me that I will no longer be able to eat, drink, or sleep with out him. His grip is strong. However, I must be stronger.
Her
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[Pink Floyd (2)] 10/31/2004 9:59:13 AM
wow, thats all i can say [loved loser] 10/31/2004 1:32:57 PM
[LastInLine] 11/1/2004 9:06:41 AM
being strong enough to never step back in is the key. [muted exposure] 11/1/2004 12:28:47 PM
RYN : Thank you ... I'm actually too vain for my own good though. But it's better than having NO self esteem right? I will say this though - more people hate me for this reason. Oh well. I just say they're jealous ;) [Narcissus13] [p] 11/2/2004 1:02:20 AM
[XOXO] 11/3/2004 10:26:40 AM
so i've been reading up on your whole background with this keith guy. i'm sure i don't have the story straight at all, but based on what i've read, it sounds as if he's a real ass. if a guy ever lays a hand on you or comes close to it for that matter, that's when you know he's not worth it. a real man would NEVER hit a woman... [geetar_911]
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