Again, I Have To... Thursday, October 28, 2004
I have to remember the things that I seem to always be trying to forget. With seven years passed and a lifetime yet to come, I feel cheated in some way. I feel as though you are still controlling me after all these years.
I saw your car parked beside me at the red light. This happened not quite a week ago. You were on a cell phone. You were laughing, but at what I can only imagine. Was it I? Was it because you knew I was discovering you again for the first time in seven years? Could you possibly be detecting the fear that was shooting through my body? Even if it wasn’t you, the tightness I could feel in my chest, and the way I could feel the temperature of the blood in my veins begin to rise. I didn’t need it to really be you, to be you. Just the notion that it could have been you made your return seem incredibly real. A real that I have to try to figure out how to make fictitious.
Being that you controlled me in so many ways I learned to protect myself. You trained my brain to remain calm during times that were alarming and to look for “clues” that would help me get out of uncomfortable situations. Immediately after noticing you in the car I noticed you spoke on a Nextel and that your car had Michigan plates. Those two things, even though they don’t seem like much, told me the story of the person driving that car. I know the last time you called me, a few months ago, you were in South Carolina.
I remember what you said last time I spoke to you. I will be back to Michigan, and when I do, I am not leaving with out you. Your words stabbed me as though they were icicles. When they went into me they hurt, but the evidence of what caused the pain just melted away. The only things left was the pain… the pain you won’t let me let go of!
I dreamed of you last night. I dreamed just like I used to dream of you when it was every night. When I was younger, you were always hunting me. Filling my whole mind with fear. However, in this dream it ended differently. In this dream you actually caught up with me, which you had never done. Also, you actually spoke to me.
You: Hello, remember me?
Me: Yes, Chris.
You: Don’t call me Chris any more.
Me: Ok, Paul.
You: Yes, Paul.
Me: Anthony.
Me: Martin.
You: You remembered me.
The dream ended with you smiling at me as though he had succeeded. He had succeeded doing what he had always tried to do. Have me never forget him. He knew he had succeeded after I spoke his name. I remembered his alias, and his real name. He had won.
I am living with him again. I can’t. It’s too much. My God, what will I do if he is here in Michigan and he approaches me? What happens if he backs up his past words? I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. Last nights dream has started the cycle over. It had been four years. Now it’s back and I don’t know if I will be able to handle it this time. A long time ago I had a dream that he died. That was the closure I needed. I truly made myself believe that he was dead. Now that he called my mother, and remembered her name and number, scares the Hell out of me. I need some kind of closure again. All this not knowing is making me go mad.
Her
Leave a Note
[LastInLine] 10/29/2004 11:36:01 AM
weird dream..note me [loved loser] 10/29/2004 8:14:35 PM
wow, um... i am just wow, i dont even no what to say except do whats best for you and no one can make you do anything you dont want..... wow. [~underneath~] 10/30/2004 11:48:04 AM
I hope you do get that closure you need. I know all too well that situations such as this can be tough. Hang in there, and good luck hug
ryn: There wasn't a funeral, but Saturday evening she was buried in the same bed as my Calla Lilies (by my drunk boyfriend lol - how sad).
Yeah they are quite the escape artists. I had a young one die by hardwood a few years ago. Take care [HawkSF]
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