Very Sad Girl Sunday, May 30, 2004
I have never admitted this to anyone, but I feel maybe if I write it out I will see it. In return to seeing it, maybe I will be able to set the feelings free. I am admitting that I am a very sad girl.
I became sad at age 12. Then I become even more sad at age 14. Then again at age 20. Then again at age 21. Then once again at age 24. Then one last time at age 27. Now at age 28 I have enough sadness in my heart to cry for 40 days and 40 nights. And alas, at age 28 I find myself extra sad.
I can't believe my brother is going to die. He's only 36. He's too young to die. Lately, this fact has really sank into my mind. It's like all of a sudden all I can do is feel my body sink It's like every time I say, "My brother is going to die" my mind sees it and sends these incredible feelings of pain all over my body. At first, it was like I was just dreaming about him dying. Now it's more than a dream. It's like a dream that snuck into my real life. It's like a dream that can't be woken up from.
It's like sometimes my brain will say it over and over again, "Shawn is dying. Shawn is dying." It's like out of no where my brain is trying to accept it, but the pain it causes my body fights back the belief. My body says, "No, Shawn can't die because that is too painful." Then my brain fires back, "There is no amount of pain you can't handle... you must accept this."
Sometimes I want to cry, but I can't. It's like I want someone to tell me that everything is going to be just fine. I want them to hold me. Yet, at the same time I don't want to hug anyone. I remember the day my sister left to go to war. While the bus drove away I stood there with no emotion on my face. I just wanted to turn around and go home. That's when someone came and hugged me. Out of no where tears flowed and I couldn't stop. I don't even know where they came from.
I don't know why I am so sad. This is just life. This is just how it is. People die. People are born. This is how it has to be. Live the life you have... that's all I can do.
Her
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I just thought Id let u know, the girl who's diary u posted a note one (~LiL tRiNa~) died May 15th... 6/4/2004 9:52:42 PM
Hey gurl... well this left me in tears...to think that someone else would have to live throught what we just went through with a very special person (Lil Trina) she died May 15th and that was such a heartbreaker for everybody...well just thank the Lord for letting u have the time with him that u have had ...well gurl i will really keep u in my prays...KEEP THE LORD BEFORE U!! [dixie gurl] 6/5/2004 8:00:34 PM
Hey... Just as you know.. Lil Trina Died May 15th 2004...And ill pray for your brother and family.. 6/6/2004 11:55:42 AM
well Lil Trina died in a car crash the injuries she had due to the wreak killed her..which she was on the way home when she was speeding and over corrected her self ..and hit a tree and it killed her....I KNOW WE WILL MISS U KC-MAC [dixie gurl] 6/6/2004 3:41:56 PM
hi there...i am here to listen if u need a friend...i am also 29..female...and love makin new friends...my email addy is [email protected] u need a friend to chat with... :)
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