A Ferris Wheel and a Movie Theater in The Story of a Girl

I remember the first day of 7th grade. Wait, no. I remember one moment, specifically, the first day of 7th grade. I remember other parts of the day, but none so clear as the first time I saw his face. Oh, he was the cutest boy I had ever seen! I remember instant butterflies in my stomach, a dizzy feeling in my head, a tingle in places I had been previously unaware of. I was twelve years old, almost 13. I suppose it must have been early September, hmm? For the first day of school? My birthday is in November.

Little 12 year old me was terrified, absolutely mortified, at a new school and tons of new people. I wasn’t aware yet of all my differences from all those new kids. I wasn’t aware of what they would call us kids from my poor little town now that we were being bused to the nice city for school. Lake rats. We were lesser, you see. From the shitty town, the poor white trash town. I also wasn’t aware of my own mental illnesses. I was painfully shy, filled with constant anxiety. I never felt like I fit in anywhere. Sure, I had some friends, but we weren’t the cool kids, you know. We were just lake rats from shitty town. We were very small fish in a much larger pond than we were previously accustomed to. And I felt like the smallest fish of all. I felt pudgy and ugly and awkward and out of place, always out of place. I never knew the right things to say, or when to laugh. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself, really, and I had been bullied before.

I don’t remember the exact location, the hallway or classroom, but I remember the first time I saw his face. I swooned before I knew what swooning was. It was instantaneous. And for all of 7th and 8th grade, I looked at his face every chance I got, but only if I could do it without anyone noticing. Especially without him noticing. And it certainly felt like he never noticed and never would because why would anyone notice a dirty, poor, pudgy lake rat?

Junior high was such an awkward time for me. I mean, it’s awkward for pretty much everyone, right? Hormones and crushes and bitches (oh my gawd, the bitches) and boys who are just discovering what their penis is for.

I remember once, I think the summer before junior high, I had this friend with an older brother. I slept over at their house only one time and I had a bit of a crush on him, I mean, I was 12 and he was like 16 and he was super cute and I had only ever kissed a boy a couple of times and no tongue. So this boy tells his sister, my friend, that he wants me to come have sex with him. I had literally no idea at all what that would entail and so, of course, I was terrified of the prospect. What the fuck is sex?! I mean, I guess I kind of knew it meant the rubbing of private parts together or something, but uhuh, no way, I was horrified, nope, not gonna do that! So my friend goes and tells him and comes back and says he just wants to kiss me good night, then. Okay… I don’t remember the kiss itself, really. Not vividly, anyway. I remember sitting on the edge of his bed and he half sat up and put his hand on the back of my head and kind of tried to pull me down to him. I didn’t budge. He leaned up then and kissed me and there was tongue, but I don’t really remember the feel of that part, just the knowledge that it happened that way. I guess it was pretty underwhelming.

I have very vague memories of junior high, though. A few bright flashes here and there, stupid shit, really. I remember a few boys I may or may not have been “involved” with for a few minutes here and there. Most of 7th grade feels like a blur. The summer after, I started dating a boy who was a year older than me and going off to high school in the fall. I remember I was at a friend’s house and he lived down the street from her and she called him and told him I was at her house and liked him. He wasn’t sure who I was by name (because I was as invisible as I could be for most of my life) so he rode his bike over to look at me. He rode up in front of the house and my friend and I were on the front porch. He looked at me, grinned, turned around, and rode away. Then he called my friend’s house to speak to me after he got back home. He came for Thanksgiving that year, the one and only time my parents ever allowed me to bring a boy in the house. We sat on my bed with the door open (to the kitchen where my mom was working on food and could keep an eye on us) and watched Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. You know, the Kevin Costner one. And we snuck kisses when mom wasn’t looking. We went roller skating together most Friday nights and held hands and kissed and kissed as much as we could. We would sometimes meet behind the gas station that was about halfway between his house and mine, or in the woods nearby, and just kiss and kiss for what seemed like hours most days.

I don’t remember why we broke up. Probably something to do with the fact that we were total opposites and I tried for a good long while to not be opposite, to try to be more like him, to fit in and be accepted. Because even then, even at only 13, I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. Want someone to like you? Be what you think they would like.

That took up most of 8th grade, I guess. Memory is hazy on time frames from nearly 30 years ago, okay? I have other vague memories of junior high, but nothing that feels significant. Just teenage girl stuff, friends, choir, book reports, and crushes.

My biggest (and longest-standing) crush, that boy from the very first day of junior high, I seem to have a lot of incredibly vivid memories of him. Just his face, his smile, his voice, the way his mouth moved when he talked, the way he walked, the way his hair curled on his forehead, the tilt of his head, the way his hands moved.

Okay, yeah, feeling a little creepy now.

I wasn’t so much obsessed with him as fascinated for some reason I couldn’t identify. There was always just something about him that… I just couldn’t look away. I always wanted to observe him because that was all I could do. No way I could ever actually talk to him or tell him any of the weird shit that was going on in my brain. I didn’t even understand what it was so how could I have said it out loud?

And then there was the county fair, 1991. I was there with people. I don’t even remember who. Friends, obviously, but no clue at all whatsoever who I spent the entire day walking around the fair with. It’s a complete blank. What I do remember is that boy and I riding the ferris wheel. I can’t remember who asked who, I can’t remember the exact words spoken on the ride, or if there were even words at all. I was on the fucking ferris wheel with the boy who lit up my universe. Nothing else mattered in that moment. I was exploding with every imaginable emotion, none of which made a lick of sense to me. I WAS ON THE FERRIS WHEEL WITH HIM! And then there was a kiss that lit my world on fire. Also, I confiscated his sunglasses for some reason. I don’t know. Perhaps a bargain. Want your sunglasses back, you have to call me. Something. Probably something far bolder than I was actually feeling, or had ever felt, because there was always that something about him that made me someone different somehow. I was a 14-year-old girl who was painfully shy and insecure and plain fucking weird, an outcast, a black sheep. But that day, and in the few short months that followed, I was dating my dream boy.

Yes, I know the title is A Ferris Wheel and a Movie Theater*, and no, I’m not telling you about the movie theater.

Neither of us know now what happened. We’ve both asked, “Why did we ever stop dating?!” Who knows? Doesn’t matter. Those few shared moments were enough to plant a seed that grew into the most unimaginable tree, with deep, deep roots, and the most luscious of fruit.

That day. The ferris wheel. That is my most incredible, sweetest, most beautiful memory.

It was universes colliding, to be entwined for eternity. An inalienable bond was formed all those years ago, at the county fair, on the ferris wheel. I haven’t been able to look at or ride a ferris wheel since without remembering that day, and no ride has ever been as good as that one was.

That boy became The Unicorn.

Last updated May 08, 2019