Journaling prompt:
What am I most deeply seeking at this point in my life? How can I reconnect to a sense of wonder? Where in my life do I need to take a risk?
Your Seeker Spark:
Go for a meandering walk around your neighborhood. Tell yourself you will take 15 minutes out of your busy schedule, but if it ends up taking longer, go with it. Don’t have a goal in mind — not a certain amount of steps or a cardio workout or even a destination.
Wander instead. Wander and wonder. Be open to surprise. Notice everything — how the light falls, blossoms on branches, the clatter of delivery trucks, birdsong, the colors and shapes of houses.
Stop. Look around. What do you see that is unique to this day, a day unlike any other?
Today was Aunty Joyce's funeral. She was a sassy, vivacious woman who was constantly trying to set me up with waiters and shouting "Hubba, hubba!" every time I entered the room. She hit on anything that moved and loved rubbing men's chests. Especially cute, college-age men lol. Even as the cancer ate away at her, she never lost that quality. Which is why it was surprising that she was adamant that we cremate her, entomb with Uncle Al...and leave. No memorial service, no afterparty, no family dinner. She wanted nothing. And while I can understand her not wanting a wake (I sure as hell don't want one), it was surprising that she absolutely refused to allow us to gather in any form to do...anything. So most of us just went to Friendly's. But it wasn't the same. I remember when Uncle Al passed away, we all went back to Aunty Joyce's place afterwards and had a potluck. Relatives who rarely got to see each other had an opportunity to catch up, see new babies, reminisce. The house was filled with laughter and people swapping stories. We headed home that day feeling like we had said goodbye to Uncle Al, without losing Uncle Al.
So I guess, what I'm looking for right now, is closure. But I don't think I'll get it in any traditional way. I never got to say goodbye to her; every time I wanted to visit, she wasn't feeling up to company because of the chemo. And then once she was set up with hospice, that house descended into absolute chaos and disgusting behavior. Relatives bickering and at each other's throats all the time while Aunty Joyce withered away. No one just letting her die gracefully. Maybe that's why she decided she didn't want any sort of service...because she saw these people's true colors and didn't want them around her anymore, even in death. I have no tokens of hers, no photos. I don't have a Ouija board and I don't know anyone who's as comfortable and experienced with one as I am, and I don't like using those alone. I'll have to figure out something....
After the short service at the gravesite, I spent some time wandering around the cemetery, with the baby tottering around with me. St. Jerome's is a gorgeous place. Some of the tombstones are amazing...some are terrifying...like a lifesize depiction of the crucifixion. How do people afford stuff like that?? But it's a beautiful place, especially near the rear of the graveyard where Aunty Joyce and Uncle Al's plot is. Huge draping trees, full of blossoms, stone walls and strange staircases....it was beautiful and incredibly calming.
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