Just a Bit of Catching Up [Friends Only Entry] Monday, April 05, 2004
There was a time that whenever a friend came over they would go straight to my freezer and grab a fudge pop. This is when I was living by myself in a small apartment. I always enjoyed seeing their big eyes as they held their fudge pop in their hands, holding it like it was gold. That was a long time back when I had more money than I knew what to do with. There were times I wouldn't even have to cash my checks and I would get them piled up. Those were the days that I had no car payment, cheap car insurance, and no credit card payments.... Ahhh the good ol' days.
Now that I am working two jobs I have money again. I only have one credit card left to pay off and I will be free from that.... then I work on paying off my damn car... er my wonderful car. I love my car, just hate the payments.
I guess I have given up on trying to lose weight. I bought ice cream and fudge pops today, so that pretty much confirms the previous sentence. I also bought a new book. It's nice to read. While reading I don't think about anything that I may other wise want to think about that I shouldn't think about. Gotta stay strong, right? In other words, when I read I don't think about Keith. I haven't broke down yet and e mailed him. I told him I sent my last e mail to him and I meant it. At least I think I meant it. I mean, I said it... so doesn't that mean I meant it? Well, I know I meant it when I wrote it. Therefore, my boycot of Keith continues. He should really understand where I am coming from. I mean, is there anyone in this world that would find it easy to stay friends with someone that made you believe that they cared about you, then you find out they are fucking someone else at the same time...?...and on top of that they get caught and "let you down" to be with the other person? I mean... how I am supposed to hang out with him while he's loving and fucking someone else? Are there people strong enough to forgive someone for that out in this world? I mean, I have forgiven Kumbi for it, but I don't ever call him up to hang out. I couldn't! It's just not right. It's too painful. Keith should understand that... All I ever wanted from Keith is a sincere apology. Something I am sure I will never get. He doesn't understand that he did something wrong... Yet another reason I can't be his friend. It's sad really. Something that could have been so good wasted by dishonesty and jealousy.
The last e mail I sent to him was a bit phycotic. I was just trying to make a point though. I was trying to let him realize how important it is to me to have him accept me as a real live person. In other words, I wanted him to realize that I am not just a person that has no feelings. I want him to accept me as a person that has to feel accepted. I dont know if he understood that or not, but as long as he trieds to hide our friendship we will never be friends.
Anyway, I told myself I wouldn't write about him anymore. It's getting easier, I have to admit. I don't really miss him anymore. I mean I do to a point... but I don't miss the pain he caused me so everything is getting better. I never really had the oppertunity to be able to call him up and invite him over, or have him just stop by to say hi, because he was always busy fucking other women, so it's not like I am missing anything. The only thing different is that I am not getting hurt by him any longer. So obviously having him in my life verses having him out of my life is no contest. It's plain and simple.
I am better off with out him. With out him, I am better.
Her
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