So I’m sitting here, watching my daughter refuse to eat her pop tart and playing her ipad, stressing over what to put her in for “picture day”, having just cleaned a shitty ass diaper from my son, who I am convinced will never be potty trained. He will be on dates in diapers. He will never, ever, ever, ever be potty trained and I will be changing diapers until I am dead.
I’m sitting here, and I’m looking at Chelsea’s hair, which is remarkably wild today. But of course it is, because it’s picture day. And she has left the pop tart on the couch, leaving a stain of crushed gel-like jelly in the cushions of my couch.
I check the clock so I know when I have to start getting her dressed. I cannot be late today because I must run her over to kindergarten and then fly off 30+ minutes to her one therapy place so I can complete the paperwork for her therapeutic after school program twice a week. Couldn’t I complete this paperwork by mail? Well, of course I couldn’t. That would be too easy.
I’m tired. I’m beyond tired. I haven’t had my thyroid medication in three weeks because who has time to go to a doctor? They won’t refill it without seeing my face, and have you tried taking two children six months apart ANYWHERE?
(That brings up the subject of twins; something I should write about. But not now.)
I’m watching her, and I’m thinking to myself:
You know what? I never really figured out why people have children. I always wanted to, because I believed if I found “the” answer, it would make sense (or not). I’ve read the anti-procreation folks and I get their arguments. Really, I do. They have valid points to make. I’ve heard the pro-children arguments too. I queried my mother endlessly for a while and all I ever got out of her was, “I always wanted to be a mother, I just knew it was time.”
How do you “know”?? I NEVER KNEW!!
And I know plenty of people who “know”. I know those who say “I knew since I was ‘x’ years old, I wanted to be a mother.”
But that was never me. NEVER me.
I have enough education to recognize the social stigma in NOT having children, but even that, I believe, doesn’t explain why so many people HAVE them. Sure, it explains some…maybe even most. But not all.
There’s a risk factor in not having kids because at some point, (at least biologically) it becomes impossible to have children. Thus, if you embrace this lifestyle - at some point anyway - the choice is made for you. Is it that some people struggle to truly stick to that lifestyle decision? Like the atheist who tries to “get saved” on their deathbed “just in case”? I was listening to one of the last phone interviews Maurice Sendak (author of WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE) gave in 2011 (he died in 2012). He was an atheist. He was old, he was probably dying when he gave the interview. But he stuck by it. He was okay with it. I don’t know what he did in his final days or moments but he spoke about not believing in an afterlife; that there is no real “God”. Dedication, man. I don’t know if I’m that brave.
Then is it bravery, or lack thereof, that has some of us raising children? But even that seems insufficient.
Who would want to saddle themselves with ungrateful children who shit their pants and have to go to the doctor and have to have stupid Picture Day and who get sick…who wants that?
I never came up with a satisfactory answer. But I had kids anyway. W in THE F.
But this morning, watching Chelsea do her thing…I thought of something.
Why do people get married?
No, really? Why? Income? But you can make your own money and never have to share it with a soul. It’s all about you if you stay single. You can do exactly what you want, when you want it. You can have friends so you’re not alone. Every reason to get married can be augmented by staying single. I’m reminded of George Clooney in UP IN THE AIR (great flick, btw).
I have dealt with more bullshit in my relatively short life from being married than even from having kids (don’t worry - give it time!). So why do it?
But I did it. TWICE. And really, there’s no reason to do it. I didn’t need a spouse; indeed, I don’t think anyone really NEEDS one.
Maybe, for the big questions in life, there really are no answers. So you just do it anyway. Because.
Loading comments...