Suicide. Been there done that. Then last time I was going I looked at my 2 birds and realized I need to live for them. Realized I need to get my shit together to do so. Quit drugs and drinking. Got into therapy, on prozac and into meditation.
Instead of focusing on doing for others or what you think needs to be done, do for YOU. Pick yourself up and look at your life logically. Without emotional bias. Like a friend might.
Do the best you can but do it UNCONDITIONALLY. No conditions. If someone is asking of you ask yourself if they are just trying to use you.
When I worked in the factory I would give my all. Often exhausted and injured. Maybe not as good as others but dammit, I did my best. That is what mattered.
My dad hated me but that was his fucking problem.
I got to a point where if someone wanted me to be more or do more...fuck them. NOT THEIR LIFE. GO LIVE YOUR OWN. But here I am trying to help you.
Fuck It, Drive On.
Keep going.
Growl a bit and keep your head up.
Stop whining about wanting to die etc.
Face life and TAKE CARE OF YOU.
If you are drinking and or drugging, give it a break.
Eat good.
Exercise.
Get more sleep.
Meditation is great. Make it simple with simple closed eyes breathe in then out for maybe 10 then more minutes. Breathing means you are still alive. The only reason we die is we stop breathing.
Choose to not live for others imagined expectations of you. If others want to be critical of you? Get some balls, smile and say, "fuck you. This is my life and I will do what I want and live for me and if you want to come along with me for the ride, fine. Otherwise, don't tell me what to do who to be or how to live".
I just did so...you can tell me to fuck off ;-)
Keep in touch.
Next time I want to hear you growl instead of whine.
You will get through this bullshit, ok?