Feel free to ignore this. lol
I spent all day looking at Teachers Pay Teachers and downloading materials and resources for my future classroom. I'm focusing on K-3 (primary grades), since I really do want a primary class.
It's a little depressing, because there's all these plans that I'm coming up with when I download this stuff. "Oh man! This will be GREAT for centers!!" or "This would be PERFECT for folder work!" and "This can be for kids who finish early," or "This can be re-enforcement for kids who need more work in this area." and so on, but it's so painful knowing there aren't any future kids being lined up for me.. I don't need to print this stuff and start laminating. I don't need this stuff at all right now. I don't have a classroom to rearrange and figure out where everything will fit.
sometimes I feel foolish, having a great big rubbermaid tote full of supplies and resources for a class that I don't have. But, they say you should dress for the job you want, right? This is similar, isn't it? sigh It's just so hard knowing that so far, I don't even have a CHANCE because the STATE couldn't process my paperwork. That denial letter could have been the yellow verification card that I need to get in for interviews.
Then, one of the other interns who I graduated with, the girl who I actually switched places with during the two week trade, posted that she was hired at North Pole Elem. to teach 1st grade. I left her a big fat CONGRATULATIONS!! note on the status, but inside I'm DYING. I didn't apply for that position, because I didn't want to drive in and out of North Pole every day, so that makes me feel a little bit better.. but it still hurts, makes my guts feel all twisted up and floaty, that I don't even know if I'll get any INTERVIEWS this year.
This is something I've worked for for SOOOOOOOOOOO long. I've been pursuing this dream for basically my entire adult life, and it has been nothing but struggle. I have overcome all of the other obstacles, slowly and painfully, and now THIS is what holds me back? Seriously? The inability of the state to process paperwork? Sad. Sad. Sad. I got through my math classes, I survived the MentorTeacherFromHell, and now I'm the stuck waiting in limbo FOREVER because the state department can't process an application correctly.
And it seems like I'm the only one who is having this problem, since Krista got a job... I know John and Chasity have both had interviews. I haven't been contacted at all, and my emails to HR haven't even been returned recently (probably due to the holiday/4th of July weekend) and I'm seriously starting to lose hope. I feel beaten. I feel like they have defeated me, that I can't even get into the race with everyone else because of this. I know I'm being melodramatic, but forgive me. This has really and truly been my life's work thus far. This is what I've been working towards since Kasin was a baby.
Part of my pity party here is the fact that I recently misplaced (HOW??) my anxiety/OCD medication... it makes me worry, fret, and stress, yell a lot, and feel panicky. I just got it refilled a couple days ago, so I'm only 2 days back into it, but I'm not feeling quite right yet.
I should stop complaining. But honestly, why does EVERYTHING have to be SO hard? I feel like odds have been stacked against me in everything I've done so far. Can something just go right? :-\
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