I’m having a lazy evening, reading posts on here, browsing YouTube. Currently listening to the Alex Murdaugh cross examination (because bleep that guy), sipping diet Dr Pepper, and trying not to think about tomorrow and the weekend. Today while I worked I could hear birds outside at one point. It was kind of nice. The sun was shining, I could feel a bit more warmth coming from the windows, and the signs of Spring seem to be upon us here in my area.
I feel like such a drag, though. The positivity I enjoy for a moment, and then the dread of feeling lack of accomplishment on where I want to be seems to occupy my mind. Work and its stresses aside, I need to get back on my health journey, but I just find it hard being positive and motivated. I wonder if my lack of motivation is my lack of discipline or something more. I don’t want to do anything positive and goal related in my life anymore unless I’m doing it mainly for myself. I think I learned a bad habit doing things for the benefit of others, and I’m trying to learn how to show appreciation for my own efforts so I can build up to desiring more from myself. Sometimes I wonder if it’s even possible for me or if I’m too old to “learn new tricks.”
Sometimes I feel sad because I realize I’m not like my sister. She’s almost a decade older than me, and she grew up in a much different environment. I look at her and she’s always had goals in her life, and for the most part she has met them. I never had her drive, but I wanted to. I just couldn’t quite find the way to find my drive, to put the sake of my soul into something and hope/aim for the sky. I’ve had things I’ve wanted to do quite a bit, especially writing and my art, but growing up I wonder if something fundamental was just missing. Did she just have more stability than me? Or was I lazy? Did I lack the discipline to overcome my depression? My partner said, from their clinical perspective, that I had a “f*ton of neglect” as a child—but I don’t want to think of it that way because I don’t see what good it really does in my situation. There has to be drive still, right? There has to be the drive to want to overcome…and not just the numbed patience to dangle one’s feet above the water, waiting to be pushed in…
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