Dissecting Another E mail [Friends Only Entry] Sunday, December 15, 2002
Another e mail to dissect. Remember, blue is my input, red is his.
Hey...okay i heard everything you said and yes i still want to be with you, He says that he wants to be with me in his e mails. And yet when I call him it takes him at least 2 days to call me back. that does not change anything,and the poem was from the bible. Okay i know you really believe that we all really wanted to do those bad things to you, well you say you found out, buy that you mean you were told
by ....... and you choose to believe those things, i guess that is understandable, yet he still does not say that they never said the bad things But how were we going to get you aressted, that one lost me. maybe you should ask your brother.
anyway things were going well for us (me and u) until the day that we planed to move in together, jen was goin to get us approved, and then the next day you come and tell me that you only love, you only want to be with, You never once tried to stand in my shoes. All the wonderful things HE'D say to me. All the promises he made to me. How could I just give that up when I knew all the problems it would have caused between you and HIM, and not to mention your family and friends. It's like you thought that I just made the decision in a few seconds. I battled the idea back and forth for months. Every night I slept with the thoughts. Every day I woke up with them. I even dreamed about them. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I did the safe thing. I still don't know what the right decision would have been.that day i went from the happiest person to i dont know but from then on i never really let you get close to me, i was with you hopeing that things work out
for me for you? What about US?but even bigger than my fear was thinking that we both feel somthing then have you smash it, did I smash it? Or did I slow it down? Did I really destroy it?but i was still there, Where exactly were you? well until the day we agreed
to spend the day together we argreed to meet... not spend the day together. I wanted to get the stuff out of YOUR apartment because NO ONE would help me do it. I could never find you! A lot like now. and then i see you with... at the apartment and you didnt even say hie, I guess you will never understand the things that were said to me. I was told everyone in YOUR apartment hated me. I felt unwanted. I just wanted to get my stuff and leave. I felt unwanted. then i decide to let go of the whole thing, and instead of you finding out what was wrong... you walked away. i thought i could but i now know i cant, at least not without giving it another try
if you will let me And I did. Yet it didn't work. I rub my chest every day and night so that my heart doesn't ache. I'd still do anything to go back to the way we were when it felt like all we needed was to be together. The days we could just talk... the days that you would hold me and it felt like you meant it.
and i never started any rumors or said anything about you from that day until the day i called to tell you i was leaving, hopeing you would ask me to stay, How could you expect me to ask you to stay? I hadn't heard from you in months. However, I wanted to so bad. All I wanted was you to give me one clue that you would have stayed for me. You didn't even ask to see me before you left. YOU JUST LEFT ON YOUR OWN. I never forced you to leave. Heck, I thought you were leaving because you stabbed someone.
and thats all good and you should have waited to see if i really wanted anything from you hey, waited for me to ask you then you would have honestly know,
and i dont want anything from you i just want you. Your words like music. Your actions like a stinging bee. And yet I am still in love with you. I have a guy that would do anything for me. He'd buy me anything. He would carry me through broken glass if he had to. And yet... I let him go because you haven't left my heart ever. Not even when I was mad at you. Not when you left. Not when you called me Tadiwa. Not when you watched your brother kick me out the apartment. Not when you don't return my calls. Not once. Not ever.
Her
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