My partner arrived last week and will be leaving Wednesday (tomorrow). We have known each other for over 4 years (became close friends almost instantly), and have been together romantically for almost 2. They’re soon to take their test for getting their LISW and are actively looking for a job in my State. They’re not moving here just for me. Getting out of their current State and back here has been a long term goal for them. We’ve spent the last couple of years traveling a lot so we could make sure we could see each other for at least one week a month (usually), but it’s been a very rough 2 years…
(Quick note: pronoun choice here is strictly for anonymity and for no other reason.)
I haven’t been happy this past week. Sometimes I enjoy my partner being around and wish they were here already permanently, and other times I feel I want to scream. They are not emotionally abusive, but they are avoidant and in some ways a bit neglectful/thoughtless. They spent the entire week playing on my PS5, just as they did last month. They were playing still until 12 AM when I came out from my bedroom to surprised them with a Valentine’s Day card I made and a box of chocolates. They took the box of chocolates and began opening that before even looking at the card. I just don’t understand. It hurt my feelings, and I tried to nicely point it out, “aw, you’re not gonna look at your card first?” And they paused, I suppose then understood how it was kinda rude, and then proceeded to look at the card, but not even paying kind to the obvious decorative fold-out heart that had to be untied to be seen. I know everyone is different, and I’m not disrespecting them, but I just don’t understand. It wasn’t even a huge or unique box of candy, but that was what they wanted/cared about. They are a therapist and it blows my mind so much just goes over their head. The past two years have felt like a battle to even stay with them at times for the disregard I feel. To be honest, the only reason I haven’t is because we’ve spent so much time already waiting this out and we won’t really know if we can progress further until we’re constantly living around each other… but I just feel so worn-out already, and I worry if I’m making the right choice.
Their family and my family, I believe, are rooting for us, and their family likes me and mine likes them (which is a fantastic plus when you’ve experienced the opposite); there’s very little that my partner and I don’t know about each others’ pasts (the good and bad); we know we would each benefit from the situation of sharing the same living space and bills; and we seem to get along pretty okay when just going about our daily routines in the same living space. All great things, surely, but…I’m so tired of feeling disappointment, and I’m wanting to know what it’s like to honesty be able to rely/depend on someone else, and not feel stressed like I have to maintain everything.
Everyone ought to realize that no one is perfect, but sometimes I wonder if I’m trying to set myself up for continuous sadness in romantic relationships. My partner is slightly on the eccentric side, on the spectrum, and has come to discover that they have unhealthy issues being too emotionally avoidant. Just for a few examples of their behavior to try to illustrate other quirks: I sometimes now preemptively try to give pointers that they should watch out for with how they talk to people (as a loving reminder) because they can get a bit judge-y and snobby-sounding, even over something as stupid as them talking about beer quality, or buying all natural/organic food when they can’t even afford it themselves. Then the spectrum stuff makes them picking up on social queues almost impossible, which I try to help them maneuver. They can have a hard time making new friends, which makes me sad for them, but some of the stuff they say just comes off so insensitive, or they don’t take certain matters with as much care for all concerned. Then their personal beliefs, which almost made me stop talking to them when I first met them, that cancer is karmic and the person who dies from it basically has themselves to blame. (This didn’t sit well with me for many reasons, and one being I lost my best friend to cancer.)
And as for expressing my feeling about them to them, I have been painfully vocal, yet I guess they share the thought that we need a workbench first before we can use our tools to make this better/work for us. So, I shut down, and in part because they have shown they actively are trying to improve, and I don’t want to make them feel punished or stressed out simply for my own feelings… And I’m proud of my partner, too. They have been going to therapy at least once every week or so, they continue their own education to discover their own mental health needs, and they are trying very hard to find a clinic to work in over here, sometimes having such tenacity that the amount of interviews they do a week leaves me speechless. I respect them… I am just…not happy. And a few prior events last year just really left me in a place where I shut down. Literally all I could do was work, play video games, sleep. Rinse and repeat for months. It was terrible for me and my health, but I didn’t choose to act healthfully or against the depression until recently. I just didn’t have the will, and that’s even worse to admit. Self preservation mode, I guess.
I know that I am fortunate, though. I’ve had some very miserable years, but I’m grateful for what I have right now. I just wish I felt better about it, and I know there’s still quite a bit more of an upward hill to climb, but what is the view going to be like? I just hope it is worth it, and that I’m not just subconsciously trying to cause myself suffering in the end.
In any case, Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone, whether celebrated or loathed. Make the best of it. I’ll try to do the same.
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