What am I supposed to do?? Sunday, November 24, 2002
I truly don't even know where to start. I am just sitting here thinking about how to start this entry. I want to talk about Keith and Beau.
Keith is this man that I haven't been able to let my heart let go of. No matter what he does or I do, I just can't stop caring about him. I can't help but want to be with him. I can't even expain why I am so attracted to him. If someone were to ask me what I see in him, I would't have an answer. I used to know. When I first met Keith he was everything I wanted in someone. He still remains the only person that I have ever experienced so much feeling for him simply by meeting him. It was strange. As a matter of fact... I can't even tell you how I met him. It must have been through his friend Hilary, but I don't remember more than that. Except, I do remember when he asked me to dance at the bar. I must have met him there. All I know is that I will never stop loving him. He could stop talking to me for 7 months and as soon as I hear his voice... I forgive him. I kind of wish I was Keith. I have never had someone love me the way I love him. I could keep talking about him forever, but I have to talk about Beau now. The only problem I have with Keith is he won't commit to me. He says he cares about me, but that's as far as that goes.
Ok.. Now Beau on the other hand wants to be with me. Beau could give me everything that I need. He already offered to buy "us" a house. Not just any house though. A house worth about 3 hundred thousand dollars! Beau could give me security. I would never have to worry about where money was going to come from. He would give me love. Anything I asked for would be mine. He's polite. He's kind. He never pressures me to do anything I don't want to. He always calls when he says he will. He takes me out on dates. He knows how to cook, clean, and is not affraid to do it. He's everything I have ever hoped for. Except, I don't feel anything for him. I don't want him to kiss me. I feel squeemish when he kisses me on the forhead. I won't let him kiss me on the lips. I always look away. I truly do not feel anything in my heart for him. I don't want him to touch me. It all feels weird. The whole time I am with him I think about Keith.
Do I follow my heart or should I go with security? It seems like such an easy answer. I should go with my heart. However, Keith hasn't showed me any reasons why I should trust him except this last week. All of a sudden he calls me when he says he will. He even stayed the night with me. Keith did a complete 180 on me and now I am more confused than ever! If Keith really feels something for me then of course I want to be with him. However, I am scared that I am just getting played by him. Beau I have complete trust in. What am I supposed to do?
Her
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Follow your heart. Money isn't everything. If you have children with Beau, would you want them to see such a warped sense of commitment? Would you want them to think money equals love? I know I wouldn't want that. I would rather be living day-to-day and be happy and in love than have everything I ever wanted without love and joy. [.wishyouwerehere.] 11/24/2002 2:15:05 PM
jl 12/10/2002 11:53:40 PM
dwp 1/8/2003 3:36:08 AM
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